Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

The only impact on the daughter is to say that the husband has deprived her of a possible sibling. Do older children not feel jealousy when a baby comes along and takes up all the parental time?

I’m very sorry for your m/c OP. Evidently that pregnancy wasn’t meant to be, which, in reality, millions aren’t.

A relationship & having children with someone is about 2 people and working at things together - not just 1 person’s wants / needs / imaginings about how their life would pan out and the other person bending over backwards to accommodate that regardless of their own wants / needs. Sone of the entitlement in these posts is astounding.

Imagine if this situation was the other way round and the man was trying to force / manipulate the woman into having another child she didn’t want.

This relationship sounds like it’s over and going forward you both need to put the child you do have first. Her happiness / childhood should be your priority here.

You are experiencing the parenting journey that many can’t, but wasting it on an obsession over something that may never happen.

Yes the miscarriage was terrible, my husband just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand how it feels to feel that something is truly missing. He is a good dad and our little girl has everything she could ever want except a sibling. This isn’t about childhood - I get there would be a gap (wouldn’t have been so big if it had happened already) but it’s about life. I love my sisters/brother. I couldn’t cope with my parents without them. I have friends who are only children and hate it. Every single woman I work with regrets not having another child - despite how many they did have. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want or be crushed that my entire hopes for what my future may look like are gone and not by my choice. And that it’s too late to realistically fix it.

I am an only child and the reasons only children don’t like it are twofold

1. the realisation that their parent(s) wanted another child and they weren’t enouhj

2. the pressure of being the sole focus of parents often having them being too much in charge of their parents happiness

yiu are doing both to your child. You are making her not enough and too much pressure at the same time.

Whatever happens your dream of close siblings is gone it simply won’t happen now so you have to work out how to rectify that without doing the above

I have a sister and when our mother was dying, she left me to it. She was the one who wasn't working and I worked full time still she left me with it. She was very close in age too.

My life would have been infinitely easier without my sister around. She left me with everything anyway and bullied me my entire childhood.

I simply don't believe that every woman you've met wished they could have had another child no matter how many they already had. I've met plenty of women who wish they hadnt become parents at all.

A colleague of mine is an only child and she is so glad she doesn't have what she calls sibling, drama.

This isn't about your daughter needing a sibling.This is about you wanting another child.

You are definitely young enough to have another child potentially OP - and I really hope you do ❤️ BUT - I think you need to decide what happens with your marriage first

Do I stay or do I go?

You're not actually really considering your daughter. You have tunnel vision and are so focused on your needs.

Sorry I don’t believe that most women you work with wish they had one more child then they have already, regardless of how many.
My SIL wanted one child, had one child and my nephew loves his life. I had 2 and was happy with my 2 and had planned no more. We had a surprise baby 6 years after the youngest one who we adore, I certainly don’t want another and was perfectly happy with my 2.
No one I know wistfully wishes to have another on top of the children they have especially given the cost of living pressures etc
It may sound harsh but the only person you are thinking of is yourself, not your daughter or your husband who you admit is a great dad and your daughter wants for nothing. You have decided that you want two children and aren’t prepared to listen to your spouse about what he wants.

You're not considering your daughter at all, it's all about you and some make believe fantasy.

@Whatisthisallabout1

I’m sorry about your miscarriage. It must have been hard. If your husband was not happy about the pregnancy, I suppose he wasn’t as affected by it as you were and that is perhaps not surprising. That does not excuse him being unkind or mocking you though, which is totally unacceptable, whatever his feelings about the pregnancy were.

That said, you aren’t being rational. I just don’t get your reasoning- you paint a picture of an unkind- and possibly abusive- husband, whom who you say you hate. But you still want to push him into having a child he does not want. Why would you want a baby with him, if what you say is true? Honestly, how do you see that working out for the children? And for you? I think this is absolutely not a situation you should aim to bring a child into.

If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, you should absolutely not bring a child into that. You should be making plans to leave for own sake, and your daughter’s too. Or, you are exaggerating how bad he is, in which case you are potentially being manipulative in order to get what you want. Either way, you are not in a good place mentally and a baby is not going to magically fix everything in your life, however much you have convinced yourself that it will.

I think the truth is that you want another baby so much you are twisting all sorts of facts to fit your narrative. The nonsense about your daughter absolutely, 100% needing a sibling in order to be happy and well adjusted is exactly that- nonsense. Your daughter is not being deprived or damaged solely by virtue of being an only child. Your husband is not harming her by declining to have another baby with you. He really isn’t. The truth is you desperately want another baby and will hang onto any and all justifications for this.

Most only children are just fine, and if they aren’t it is usually nothing to do with their lack of sibling- it is because of the way they are parented and their home environment. Additionally, you argue your daughter must have a sibling for support. Sibling relationships can be wonderful. They can also be fraught with angst or active dislike. Or sometimes, indifferent. You have no guarantee your children will like each other or have any relationship at all, nor is there any way to anticipate if they will be supportive towards each other (with regards caring for you as you age, or anything else). With a large age gap, it is more likely than not that their relationship will be more distant (especially in childhood, as they will be such different life stages).

Leaving just to have another baby is not straightforward- at least, if you are doing it with any care towards your daughter’s well-being. By all means, end an unhappy or abusive marriage, but then you need to give your daughter time to adjust before you jump into introducing her to a new partner. Then you would have to give them time before living together and then giving that time to bed in before trying for another child. You can’t just leave, jump into a new relationship and be pregnant within months. Even if you decided to go down the sperm donor route, you’d still need to give your daughter time to adjust to the change in her family and to see how you manage as a single mum, before moving forward with that.

You need to take a step back, look at the situation and your marriage, decide whether you are in an abusive or unhappy marriage and if you are, then make plans to end it and move forward. Or, if your DH is not quite as you have painted him, and you do love him and the family you have created more than you desire another baby, then you need help to move past these feelings. It is clear that he does not want another baby, come what may, so you need to make peace with the fact you are not going to have a baby with him (willingly at least).

I’m sorry OP but you need to accept that life doesn’t give us everything we want, and we need to count the blessings we do have and make the most of them. DH and I would both have liked a second but for various reasons including our ages and finances we have decided it’s best for our existing child if we stop at one, and concentrate on giving him the best life possible and every opportunity we can afford. We hope to have the time and levels of attention to teach him how to be a good friend and a good partner to someone in the future, in the hope that he has good people around him when we’re gone.

It’s been a difficult decision and we both still have moments of doubt while it is still technically possible, but the risks of negatively impacting his life if a second had health issues or caused them in me are simply too high. It would be selfish of us and he doesn’t deserve it.

If you don’t stay with your Husband after everything then that’s one thing, but don’t go haring off in desperate pursuit of another baby. Think of the one you already have and how that will impact her.

Cheesewisely, that is a very sensible post. I hope the op takes it all on board.

This is an absolutely excellent post

I desperately wanted children. My body was unable to have them. I had many miscarriages over the years. My hopes for my future were taken away not by my choice. But you know what? That’s life. It hasn’t destroyed me. I have no choice but to cope and learn to live with my disappointment. And you DO have a child already at least. Yes it’s fine to be sad and disappointed you haven’t had another one. But it really isn’t the life destroying thing you seem to think it is. Yes you might always feel something is “missing”. I feel like that about the children I didn’t have. But again, that’s life. It’s sad and unfortunate not to have exactly what you want. But sometimes it’s better to accept that.

I’m also an only child (and to be honest I loved it). I had to deal with my parents deaths when I was in my 30s by myself. Again, yeah it sucked at that point. But I managed. Because I had to. It’s the hand I was dealt. You say you wouldn’t have coped without your siblings. But that’s because it’s all you’ve known. I’m pretty sure you would have coped without them if you’d never had them to begin with. No one’s life is perfect. Even with siblings there’s no guarantee they’ll be helpful. My mother had a brother and sister. Her sister died fairly “young” at 60. My uncle didn’t even bother attending her funeral because he was “busy” that day. My mum always said he was an arsehole but I think until that moment I didn’t realise how much.

My mother's an only child and so am I.

I have 4 cousins from my dad's side of the family and 2 from my mother's step brother. Between them they also have 8 children. Both my parents are in their 80's and just back from their fourth trip this summer.

Your daughter might marry someone with siblings, nieces and nephews who will be hers by marriage. She might have six children of her own and a pile of grandchildren.

Your upsetting yourself by focusing on the worst case scenario, that's she's all alone caring for sick, elderly parents. That's the least likely outcome but the best for making an argument for a second child I guess....

Whatsthisallabout - I have friends who are only children and hate it. Every single woman I work with regrets not having another child - despite how many they did have.
........
I find that difficult to believe. It's what they tell you, probably prompted by you talking about it. 'Hate' and 'regret' are extreme words.

I have learned over the years that people often agree with whoever they speak to - and later show they didn't mean it.

My experience is quite different. I know perfectly happy only children and many women who do not regret having an only. Many have no choice and are extremely thankful to have a child when so many cannot have one.

Count your blessings and be grateful, you have one more child than many, and don't sow seeds of disappointment and regret into your child. Just love her and make her happy.

Cut it out.

No body has kids because it makes logical sense!!

Maybe that's why most people who have kids should never have had kids. And we all know it.

Your fixation on the land of what ifs is impacting your present.