Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

I agree with this. For me I would remain resentful.

It's a bit late anyway. At least 8 years gap, it'll be more like two only children. What interest is a 12 year old going to have in a 4 year old?

I have a massive age gap and zero issues.

She should not 'just accept it and shut up'. WTF ?!

If not having a second child is genuinely making her hate her dh, then they need to talk about it. Each needs to be honest and make their wants clear. Then if neither is prepared to budge, and OP feels that it will change how she feels about her dh, then she has the right to end the marriage and walk away.

We all have choices, and being open and honest is the only way to deal with them.

That’s not a reason to have more children either. I have a sibling but no nieces or nephews.

Also with the declining birth rate, it gets more likely not everyone will go on to have kids of their own.

I 100% agree with you.

My comments about the woman “shutting up” were sarcastic and in response to another poster who implied that women have no right to challenge their husband’s decision about not wanting another child even though she does.

But at least if you leave you have a shot at meeting someone and a family you want. If you stay with him the bitterness will eat at you.

If she leaves him, she could only have 50% time with the DD she already has and no other DC or other man. Or shit men. I don't think fuelling the fantasy is helpful and will only ramp up the bitterness rather than leading to any balance. Whatever she chooses to do shouldn't spring from this mania for another baby and needs to be much more realistic about her and her DD's future well-being.

Ok, so supposing she does dump him and splits up her family, then what.

She's a single mother aged 38, and then she sees her daughter, 50% of the time, because she'll be with her dad. The other 50%.

There'll be less money because the house will have to be sold. That will all take time by which time the op will be pushing 40

So then she jumps straight into dating and tries to find a man who's serious about marriage commitment, and having a child pretty much immediately and also new partner immediately becomes a step dad. OP may also become a step mother herself taking on somebody else's children and that wont be easy.

Her DD loses her stable home where she is the only child with 2 parents both there., just because mum wanted another kid.

That's if OP even finds somebody else to have a child with. She may end up permanently a single mother with one child who she only sees half the time.

How likely is it that dumping her husband will work out? I'm afraid it's not as simple as you put it, just dump him and find somebody else. There's also difference between lying and changing your mind. Hes changed his mind and doesnt want another child.

You see what most people fail to do is realise nothing is perfect and truly accept it and be at peace with it.

I’m not saying you should stay in a comfortable marriage if another child with someone else is what you'd rather have.

But that if you were to want to leave them what would your alternative reality truly be? Would it truly be better, would it truly make you happier or are you just HOPING it’d be better?

That is your issue. Are really hoping it’d be better versus being confident it’d be better.

Hopefully you can evaluate your alternatives better before you throw yourself in to a worse relationship predicament than your current.

its my opinion. Sorry. Not “fuelling” anything. Your reply is full of hyperbole. It’s what I’d do. I wouldn’t want a child to be an only child. If my DH was making this a non negotiable I’d leave.

What if you didnt find someone else. Or your child didnt like their new setup? What if your child was unhappy thst they have to live 50/50 between 2 houses and / or didnt like your new partner or their half sibling.

Try telling them...I did this for you so you wouldn't be an only child...

Be honest at least, you're doing it entirely for yourself. If it was your child's welfare you cared about you'd stay and not throw a grenade into their life just to have a half sibling they may not even like.

The marriage is dead. what do you want?

Pretty selfish to dress it up as wanting a sibling for the DD when it's really the OP wanting a baby. Sure DD would rather have her parents together. And how is this other child going to come into being? The perfect scenario of a lovely fertile committed guy stepping in asap is very unlikely so then it gets complicated and messy. The hyperbole is the OP's catastrophising around only children's woes.

My mum was one of 4. We lived 200 miles from my cousins.

I would have been one of 3. But my sister’s twin brother died a few hours after being born. What do you think that did to my family? It has affected me for the rest of my life. And my sister has hated me since birth. (Mum said she had my sister so I wouldn’t be lonely.)

Might be best to take the rose-tinted glasses off.

Have the life your want.

You've purposely missed out that she's worried her daughter would be pushed out if he had a new family.

Head over to the step parenting board to find out how harmonious blended families are

That's absolute rubbish! Only children are not some sad creatures living in loneliness. They can have thriving childhoods and amazing relationships with extended family.

What’s cruel about it?

Probably to avoid feeding that mad spiral of what ifs. There is no new family to push her DD out. It's all in her head. She needs to up the therapy, a lot.

!00%.
This more about what YOU want as opposed to what is best for your d.
She doesn't need a mum who is crying and miserable because she can't have another baby.

Quite. Honestly my life would have been so much simpler had I been an only child.

My sister was bullying and abusive to me and it carried on into adulthood. I cut her off years ago and no longer speak.

It's so sad that you are constantly crying and upset for a child that does not exist. You may want another child but sometimes life does not pan out like that. It is a difficult pill to swallow but you will have to eventually accept it. Why not focus on what you do have? You keep saying that your daughter will suffer without a sibling- why so? What's the guarantee that she and her sibling will get along? You are clearly projecting your own unfounded notions and fears on what the future will look like and spoiling your present. And if you dislike your husband, then it would be best for both of you to separate and live peaceful lives.

FFS, if you were my w I'd divorce you if you fell pregnant in that manner.
OP's wants do not trump h's.

I think most unplanned pregnancies happen that way to be honest.

Contraception failure is bullshit. It was deliberate most of the time.

Its an abhorrent thing to do.

I think you should seperate. You resent him, he refuses to go to counselling. I think this will only get worse as the chance of a second child disappears.