Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

In your situation, I would lie and say you are on the pill, get pregnant and then he can either deal with it, or you can leave. Either way, you get your second child.

How if he a lier?? Jeez

So in OPs case, her husband is allowed to change his mind, that’s allowed and the woman should just accept it and shut up.

In my case I’m not allowed to change my mind and I’m also not allowed to talk about it.

Wow, women don’t really have much rights in your world do they.

You must feel furious about all the people on here who are suggesting counselling or expressing negative feelings about the husband not being willing to try it. After all, the man has made his wishes clear so why on earth should there be any more need for discussion?

You may not be able to live in my world where talking to each other about important matters is considered a “tactic”, but I couldn’t live in your world either where misogyny seems to be perfectly acceptable.

This is exactly how I feel, I can’t help look at my sick parents and feel the guilt that my child will have this all on her own. I send her for sleepovers with cousins knowing my grandkids will never get the same! It’s horrible . I think all we can do is split up as I feel he is showing nothing but disrespect for my feelings he’s not even compassionate about the situation.

Agree, it's an immature and unhelpful take, as are those telling OP to lie. Yes she matters and so does he and so does her DD. There's no 'my feelings matter' winning argument because everyone has feelings. Just because OP's make her cry a lot doesn't make them more important. A new DC would have feelings too, which would include - I'm the reason my mum/sister's first family broke up.

Plus the ease of 'move on and find another man who doesn't lie.' Sure - all those eligible guys in OP's age bracket who want a baby, are capable of having one, will be great step-dad's to DD, will be fine if OP can't actually have another DC, and all nice and swift as the clock is ticking. OP can end the marriage if she really can't work through this and get a healthier perspective, but to do so with the plan of finding this mythical man would be unwise.

Exactly this.
Sometimes we can't have everything we want - that's how life works. You already have a child, but you are wasting her young years in obsessing about a mythical second one.
Your husband has done nothing wrong - nobody should be forced to have a child they don't want, because having any child is a massive, serious commitment.

I find a certain amount of woman in England only want 1 child.
Pile on with your comments but I dont care.
Its all about money.
You want another child then leave him and you have plenty of time to find another lovingman who wants you to have his child.

pile

Agree with this. I read: ‘I bullied my husband until I got what I wanted’.

There is no guarantee that you will have grandchildren either - you are living in a fantasy world, OP.

You're seeing all this through the lens of what you want and stacking it all that way. If you wanted to see thriving only children who don't have these woes, there'd be plenty of evidence for that. Your DH may have lost compassion if that's how one-track minded you're being. Siblings aren't the magic factor you're framing it as. Many people on here have siblings who do FA (or worse cause lots of problems) and still get lumped with caring for their sick parents alone. Many people don't care for their sick parents at all. You need better therapy to get out of this all-consuming mindset and you need to want to help yourself, genuinely, rather than feeding the hate and OTT angst for your DD being an only.

Absolutely.

I love being an auntie to my sister’s children and my children love it when their cousins come to visit and we go on trips together and holidays together, and my children absolute dote on my sister, they love having an auntie and an uncle (my sister’s husband).

So although having a sibling can be a wonderful experience for a child, it’s also providing them with the opportunity to become an aunt and an uncle, and to have nieces and nephews, and for their children to have cousins etc. Having more than one child opens up a whole new possibility of family relationships to form and extends the family support system as a whole.

The problem I had was that I had an extremely close relationship tp my sister when I was growing up, she was always my favourite person and she still is (husband and kids aside) which is why I wanted my own child to potentially experience that. My husband on the other hand has no relationship at all with his brother, they don’t see each other or speak to each other, so he doesn’t see any benefit that a sibling may bring. Therefore we were approaching the issue from completely opposite places which is why we found it so hard to agree on how to move forwards. We’d had such opposite experiences of having siblings and they experiences were ultimately what were impacting on our feelings.

I understand it’s a very emotive subject OP but a child is too big a thing to compromise on, would you really want to bring another child into the world with a father you had to convince and drag?

He is within his rights to decide no more.

At 38 I don’t think I’d risk my currently family & life on the hope of meeting someone else and having another child- I’d be focusing on therapy to help me accept my life the way it is.

These are terrible reasons to have a second child. And that’s before you factor in the age gap.

A bit of false equivalence there, I think.

Has the OP’s partner subjected her to a years-long barrage of emotional blackmail- bullying, even- to wear her down to get what he wants? No. Having gone through the pain and trauma of losing a child he has decided no, actually, he doesn’t want to go through that again.

Your DH was clear he didn’t want another child. It is hardly misogynistic to trample over someone like that to force him or her to do what you want.

I would agree with you that counselling would be a good idea.

I have 2 siblings and STILL had to do everything on my own when my parents died. As for cousins, I've got 34 of them (a rough guess, it's probably more), and I have never had a "sleepover" with any of them. What I'm saying is you are yearning for a dream that may never come true. Focus on what you have now rather than risk it all for something that may not happen.

And that is bound to have a happy outcome, isn’t it?

Jesus wept…

I would never want to have an only child. There is so much they miss out on, their children miss out on cousins from that side.
i understand op where your coming from. If it were me, I know what I’d do.

This.

If's a straight choice. And I suspect if he stops you from even trying, that resentment will get worse.

Perhaps look at how you would survive if you walk away. Look at the logistics. Your child is at school so childcare would be minimal. If you are working full time, could you afford a small house or flat on your own. Could you look after two children on your own? The elder would be at least 9.

Once you have the facts then you will be better able to make a decision. Also, how will your dh feel about an 'easy life' if you aren't there to share the load. Work out your options and then have a blunt conversation. Is the need for a second child a deal breaker for you.

Don't leave it any longer. He (and you) need to be clear just how deep your feelings are.

You’ve already wasted your most fertile years despite everyone who will say they had a baby in their 40s.

It won’t be easy to start a life as a single mum and then find somebody to TTC with.

Address the depression and have a serious think about if you want him with or without another child. And focus on the one you have. Poor kids got a depressed mother over a dream that might never happen either way.

This isn’t right, but I’m afraid I think it’s what I’d do.

But at least if you leave you have a shot at meeting someone and a family you want. If you stay with him the bitterness will eat at you.

if I were you: I’d lay it on the line and say no baby, no relationship- he’s changed the goalposts on you. Then I’d follow through and aggressively date to find someone who wants what you do.

(most of mumsnet will disagree I’m sure but that’s my 2ps worth)

This is another option too. Not ideal. But millions of women have gone down this route.

Oh. You hate him so just leave for god sake. Not having a sibling won’t ruin your daughters life but you behaving like this will.

Money and mental health are perfectly valid reasons not to have another child. Children are HARD and expensive and exhausting.

The decision also needs practical thought as well as emotional.

At the age of 7, don’t worry about your child not having a sibling. I have 2 kids and while they love each other, the little one takes most of my attention away from the bigger one, so there are also negative sides to it when they are young.

Where in my post did I say I had manipulated my husband for years with emotional blackmail and bullying?

That’s just your interpretation of my post which is fine. That doesn’t mean that’s what happened.

Yes we talked about having a second child a lot, I tried to make him see things from my point of view and he tried to make me see things from his point of view. I wanted him to change his mind and he wanted me to change my mind.
And yes I got upset whilst having those conversations, but I’m not sure that equates to bullying and emotional blackmail. That’s just a married couple talking about something really important with one another, with one of us getting upset.

Or are wives/husbands not allowed to cry during difficult conversations or when discussing issues as important as having children?

You have obviously interpreted my posts in a way that makes you sit in negative judgement of my marriage which is fine, that’s your prerogative. But likewise, your posts lead me to make negative assumptions about how you view relationships and how the dynamics should work.

We will have to agree to disagree on what makes a healthy relationship.