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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband refusing 2nd child

444 replies

Whatisthisallabout1 · 07/08/2025 21:11

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 08/08/2025 10:35

Whatisthisallabout1 · 08/08/2025 10:31

This is what I feel is happening, like years ago he made it really clear during a conversation that if we ever separated it would torture him to see our daughter part of another family. I feel like he’s keeping me here until she’s older/ I’m completely infertile.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel upset at the the thought of the DD you love being part of another family. It doesn't indicate an evil masterplan to imprison his wife until she's infertile then ditch her. I think you're suffering badly with depression or similar condition that's skewing all of your thinking on this issue and everything is becoming about his persecution of you and the phantom baby.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:37

Whatisthisallabout1 · 08/08/2025 10:31

This is what I feel is happening, like years ago he made it really clear during a conversation that if we ever separated it would torture him to see our daughter part of another family. I feel like he’s keeping me here until she’s older/ I’m completely infertile.

Ive changed my mind. Leave. Go on. Today tell him you're leaving. End your marriage today. If you feel trapped and he's keeping you until you're post menopause then your marriage is over if you feel that way.

Come back in a couple of years and tell us about your new man and your new baby and how well it worked out.

Catfox1 · 08/08/2025 10:37

Good for him.

Your only option is to walk away.

I am in the same boat x

Catfox1 · 08/08/2025 10:37

Good for him.

Your only option is to walk away.

I am in the same boat x

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:40

pinkdelight · 08/08/2025 10:35

I think it's perfectly normal to feel upset at the the thought of the DD you love being part of another family. It doesn't indicate an evil masterplan to imprison his wife until she's infertile then ditch her. I think you're suffering badly with depression or similar condition that's skewing all of your thinking on this issue and everything is becoming about his persecution of you and the phantom baby.

And all the while the 7 yo is seen as not enough.

Ccrazysnakes · 08/08/2025 10:41

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:25

He's allowed to not want another one.

You speak as if he's wasted her time.and denied her chance to be a mother. He's married her and had a child with her and tried for more as she had a miscarriage..

Therefore he hasnt run down her bio clock. She had a child at 31. He's allowed to change his mind but he has not deliberately run out her bio clock.

He has wasted her time by constantly changing his mind. This has been years. Her fertility is running out.

Sorrynotsorrybut · 08/08/2025 10:43

With kindness, if you did have another child with another man, the consequences of that on your existing child could be far worse than her being an only child. I really do hope you can move forward in your life away from this situation

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:43

Ccrazysnakes · 08/08/2025 10:41

He has wasted her time by constantly changing his mind. This has been years. Her fertility is running out.

Ok so she should leave and find a new man to have a baby with. It is SO easy and simple.

I do hope she comes back and tells us in a couple of years how great it all worked out.

Pinkelephantridesagain · 08/08/2025 10:43

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:40

And all the while the 7 yo is seen as not enough.

That's not a fair comment
Many people have more than one child
It's our hormones and biological clock ticking ,women are designed to want children, otherwise the human race would die out
Some of us have more of a pull for more children,it doesn't mean the first one isn't enough,it just means we have so much love to give we would like another child .

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:48

Pinkelephantridesagain · 08/08/2025 10:43

That's not a fair comment
Many people have more than one child
It's our hormones and biological clock ticking ,women are designed to want children, otherwise the human race would die out
Some of us have more of a pull for more children,it doesn't mean the first one isn't enough,it just means we have so much love to give we would like another child .

The non existent baby is being prioritised over the existing child.

She's prepared to blow up her child's world for this fantasy. The living child actually does matter less than the fantasy child at the moment.

The OP is quite clearly depressed and suffering quite paranoid thoughts thinking her husband has a master plan to deny her children when they have one and she lost one. He's probably just changed his mind.

mcmooberry · 08/08/2025 10:48

Honestly, as you are the main breadwinner so hopefully able to afford housing, would you consider a sperm donor? I believe your relationship with him is doomed over this. I personally found secondary infertility worse than primary as I felt both awful for myself and even more awful for my child. However, with the enormous benefit of hindsight my child would be fine as a single child now he is 16 (and I will have to work until I drop to fund my younger child's hobbies)

NameChangedOfc · 08/08/2025 10:48

perfectcolourfound · 08/08/2025 07:47

It isn't ruining your child's life. I'm not aware of any connection between whether you have siblings and how happy your life is. You are projecting your want for a child on to your existing child.

Your husband has done nothing wrong not wanting a second child. His changing his mind hasn't helped, and I understand why that's been confusing and hurtful. But he is being honest - he doesn't want another child.

If you think he's doing this to purposely hurt you, if he doesn't think about your feelings, if he's not a good person generally - all reasons to consider leaving him (not necessarily to have another child with someone else, but because he isn't a great husband).

If he's a good, decent man who cares, supports, is honest and dependable - and there is only this issue on which you've had any real problems - then I would think seriously before breaking up for your family. You would be rocking your existing child's world on the basis that it might mean you can have a theoretical future child (obvs no guarantees there anyway).

I agree with this.
I'm so sorry, OP, that you are in this situation 🙏

MightyDandelionEsq · 08/08/2025 10:50

With 8 years between the new imagined child and your current one, they won’t be close siblings anyway due to the age gap

I think you’re projecting onto your child that you want the new baby - not them.

Whatisthisallabout1 · 08/08/2025 10:50

I have all of these thoughts. I get it. My daughter is amazing. But I’ve now spent a good 2 years soul searching and I want what I want. I have been in therapy for months wanting the want to go away. It would be so much easier not to feel this way. But it’s a tap that I can’t shut off. But I’m struggling with the bomb of what feels chronically selfish is going to set off in my family. I think leaving is the only answer but it ruins things for everyone with zero guarantees for happiness. As a logical person I can’t make it make sense.

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 08/08/2025 10:51

You may desperately want a child, but agreeing with other posters, it's not at all necessary for your child to have a sibling, and they won't be missing out from it. I'm an only, I've always been very happy with it, and while I do have cousins, we're not at all close. I also have many friends who have one or more siblings, and I would say that close sibling relationships seem to be the exception far more than the rule. Most seem to see them just a couple of times a year, and some actively don't get on with them. And it's very common for just one sibling to be left with elder care, while the others don't contribute. So don't project all those hypothetical reasons onto your child, please own that it's purely your own desire, and that's fine.

You know what I did find damaging though? I was an accident baby, and although I was definitely loved, and they chose to keep me and stay together, I knew I was an accident, and that did hurt. Your husband is absolutely right to say no if he doesn't want another one - children deserve to have two parents who are fully into and committed to the idea of having the baby.

At 7, the gap is already pretty much too big for them to enjoy each other as siblings anyway. Looking into the future, a 2 and 10 year old, or 6 and 14 year old won't have much in common anyway, or much desire to play together.

Appreciate it's very difficult, and sending you very much sympathy, but maybe your energies/therapy would be better spent reframing your thoughts into focusing on having a wonderful relationship with your DD and pouring love into the relationships you do have, rather than yearning for something that in reality might be much worse for your existing DD, worse for your husband, and carries no guarantees for you that it will turn out as you wish.

Gettingbysomehow · 08/08/2025 10:51

Can't you just be happy with the life you have? A second child could be a disaster, 38 is quite old to be starting with babies again. My mother had my sister at 38 and never really recovered. She was always complaining about how exhausted she was and all the fun and life went out of her, my sister had loads of medical problems and was always in and out of hospital. The possibility of having a child with problems really does increase at your age. How would you feel if that child had severe autism or Downs? My friend did and it ruined her life.
I only ever had one child as did DSis and they never complained about not having a sibling.

Ccrazysnakes · 08/08/2025 10:53

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:43

Ok so she should leave and find a new man to have a baby with. It is SO easy and simple.

I do hope she comes back and tells us in a couple of years how great it all worked out.

I didn't say it was easy. But not being able to agree on children is a massive thing, not a minor niggle. The desire for a child can be overwhelming and it's not something that is easily shrugged off, nor should it be treated like it's wrong or selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting more children, just as there is nothing wrong with not wanting them.

And some men will string a woman along until nature intervenes and her fertility has gone.

WrylyAmused · 08/08/2025 10:55

Also... At 37/38, this is peak hormone-fuelled "drive to have another baby" time.

I had a really strong desire for it for about 2-3 years at this time.

But it passed, because the hormones changed.
Really appreciate how difficult it feels, but it might well be that if you wait it out, the feelings will pass, and you'll find they are more biologically driven than maybe you can imagine just now.

Extraenergyneeded · 08/08/2025 10:57

If you did split would you consider a sperm donor?

Nelliemellie · 08/08/2025 10:57

There is also no guarantee of a healthy child. I had 2 severely disabled children after my son, I live with problems and obstacles every day even in their 20s. I love them and do everything I can to support them, but it’s redefined our lives enormously. I think the older you are you are taking risks.

Steffie2 · 08/08/2025 10:58

I want what I want despite knowing it isn’t logical… and will blow up my family…

Honestly op I think you need different therapy. This sounds like some mid life crisis.

There is no need for your current child to need a sibling. Lots have posters have pointed out that siblings often don’t get on, old age care often just falls to one sibling anyway, that friends often are more than family to many people anyway etc etc.

What is it that drives you to want another? Have you really explored this? To me it sounds like you are unhappy and have confounded all this into the dream of a second baby being the cure. But it won’t be Op. And if you blow up your life for this irrational dream I think you’ll regret it

OneNeatBlueOrca · 08/08/2025 10:58

Ccrazysnakes · 08/08/2025 10:53

I didn't say it was easy. But not being able to agree on children is a massive thing, not a minor niggle. The desire for a child can be overwhelming and it's not something that is easily shrugged off, nor should it be treated like it's wrong or selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting more children, just as there is nothing wrong with not wanting them.

And some men will string a woman along until nature intervenes and her fertility has gone.

I dont think he is stringing along his wife and the mother of his child with her to deny her children.

Some men string women along without ever intending to have kids and then theyre 38 and childless. That is not the case here. He has not wasted her time.

But you dont see it that way.

So the OP is leaving today and seeking her new baby and perfect life and she'll tell us all how happy everyone is especially her DD is in a couple of years.

Whatisthisallabout1 · 08/08/2025 10:58

Extraenergyneeded · 08/08/2025 10:57

If you did split would you consider a sperm donor?

Yes - I could do it on my own. I could afford a 3 bed and childcare ect

OP posts:
Steffie2 · 08/08/2025 10:59

Are you happy to do 50:50 custody though op? Are you happy for your husband to likely remarry and then have a step mother involved in 50% care? Try be rational here!

Ccrazysnakes · 08/08/2025 11:01

Whatisthisallabout1 · 08/08/2025 10:50

I have all of these thoughts. I get it. My daughter is amazing. But I’ve now spent a good 2 years soul searching and I want what I want. I have been in therapy for months wanting the want to go away. It would be so much easier not to feel this way. But it’s a tap that I can’t shut off. But I’m struggling with the bomb of what feels chronically selfish is going to set off in my family. I think leaving is the only answer but it ruins things for everyone with zero guarantees for happiness. As a logical person I can’t make it make sense.

There are two things to say here, really. One is that the feeling will go eventually, painful as it is right now. A lot of women have a sudden and overwhelming desire for one more baby as they reach 40. It's common. It's the body saying this is the last chance before menopause, if you will. It will fade and you won't always feel this way.

Second is that I've got a sibling who is considerably younger than me (because my mother had an 'accident' as 40 approached). There is no sibling relationship. The age gap is just too much. We've got nothing in common. And my mother was so absorbed in having a baby to play with that I was basically left to my own devices when puberty hit and I really needed support and care. Part of me wishes she hadn't done it.

If another is the right choice for you then it's the right choice. Only you can know if it is. But it will change everything, some things for the better, but not all.