Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

I can’t believe the posts on here saying a good reason to have a second child is so that their children can have cousins. Wtf

Oh yes I did miss that. Well obviously that will happen if they split up, unless his new partner is some amazing step mum (unlikely)

He's running down your bio clock deliberately. That's why he flip flops. If he just said no you'd leave.

You know what you need to do, OP. X.

The marriage is dead because she wont stop hankering after another baby. It's unlikely she'll get her happy ever after with someone else.

What do you want

but be truthful to yourself, you want a baby for you - not your daughter
as 7 years is already a big gap and she will be at a different life stage from a sibling for years

your daughter may now end up seeing daddy every other weekend, or
50/50
which means you may not have your daughter from Sunday 7pm until the following Sunday 7pm

Find a new man and live your life

Running down her bio clock when they've had a child already?! WTAF is wrong with some people.

Yes op, what you need to do is continue with counselling, and find happiness in your existing life (whether you decide to leave DH or not). It’s not healthy for your entire happiness to depend on one thing that you don’t have. Or even one thing that you do have.

You will always hate . No matter what.

As the parent of an only (by choice), I find it staggering that so many people seem to believe having an only child is so dreadful that it’s better to divorce your husband, or trick him into having a second child, in order to provide a sibling. Can you hear yourselves?

OP, regardless of who is right or wrong here, you clearly dislike your husband so much that the relationship is probably unsustainable in any case.

Easy peasy and 100% guaranteed happiness, esp for DD! 👌

Honestly Op I think you are being totally unreasonable! What is wrong with making the most of your current child and enjoying your life? You are day dreaming of this perfect scenario where a healthy baby is born that is such easy work, your current child adores and your husband enjoys.
Your husband does not want a second - that is his opinion and his reasons are rational.
How do you even know your child wants a sibling? How do you know baby will be healthy? How do you know you will cope and won’t get pnd or have a bad birth?
You sound depressed i. truth and perhaps unhappy with husband and blaming everything on this dream of a perfect life if only a second baby.
I think it would be very very damaging to break up your family and be jumping into a new relationship TTC. Do you want 50:50 custody with your husband and possibly a new baby with another man who might not even work out.
You could be a single mum to 2 children and still deeply unhappy as your unrealistic life view that 2 children would make you happy never ever materialises….

You're just being deliberately obtuse.

Agree with this.

DH is well within his rights to decide he wants to stop at 1 child. Children are hard. An increasing number of families are making the decision to stop at 1 child, including many of my friends.

I also agree op wants a child for herself, not her DD.

Well ,you need to decide what is more important to you
More children or this husband
Personally having had 4 DC myself,the answer would of been more children.
You are in a strong position as the main earner,so financially able to go it alone.
When you have such strong differences in a marriage,and someone has to compromise on a huge important issue, then resentment will always creep in and destroy the relationship anyway
So id be looking at ways of getting pregnant as a single mum ,and going it alone

I was your husband in this scenario. When my DS was 1 I told my husband no more. He was gutted (quietly I think) but completely accepted it because he loves me and loves our son. We are a happy family unit and DS is a very happy boy.

I’m so thankful my husband, although saddened, understood. He said he made the decision to be the best dad to our little boy and they have the best relationship. OP I’d say you need to work through this in therapy yourself and if you can’t move on then divorce- but it would be such a shame for everyone involved x

What does the fact she's already got a child have to do with it? You are allowed to want more than one.

My story very similar. I come from a huge family but have no close relationships with any of them. Early childhood was characterised by me trying to find places to play alone, defend my peace from intrusive siblings and deal with weird cousins I didn’t like at family gatherings. In adulthood the sibling relationships have been either toxic or apathetic. My DS was 6 when my ex/his dad had his step brother, to be fair ex didn’t handle it well but DS hated the change, the age gap makes actually enjoyable joint activities impossible for them. They don’t have a close bond. There’s more to life than siblings and cousins, and no guarantee that they will be nourishing connections.

Is your want for another child stronger than the love for your husband and marriage? If you stay in the relationship will you end up resentful? No child is going to be miserable because they don't have siblings. Many people don't have siblings and have a very happy childhood (myself and my own son included). At 7 years old, even if you had another child in 9 months time, your daughter isn't going to 'grow up' with her sibling, because of the age gap. My cousin had another baby when her daughter was 10. It wasn't plain sailing. Her daughter was jealous of her brother when he arrived, resentful and it took a long time for her to bond with him. Yes, you could always end your marriage, but unless you are planning on going it alone and using donor sperm, you would be running out of time to meet someone and have a child with them. I do understand why you're upset, especially if your husband agreed to have another child, and now keeps changing his mind. However, having a miscarriage does impact a man emotionally too, it may be he's scared it will happen again? Perhaps he's concerned he won't cope with 2 children?

He's allowed to not want another one.

You speak as if he's wasted her time.and denied her chance to be a mother. He's married her and had a child with her and tried for more as she had a miscarriage..

Therefore he hasnt run down her bio clock. She had a child at 31. He's allowed to change his mind but he has not deliberately run out her bio clock.

This is absolutely disgusting. Your moral compass is completely south and you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.

baby trapping someone is fucking wrong. That child gets to grow up with a dad that never wanted them? You think that won’t come to light one day?

The other thing op
Is to come of contraception and tell your DH ,it's his responsibility now ,as he doesn't want children,so he takes responsibility for it
Most men don't like condoms and are to wuss for the snip .
If you get pregnant,it won't be your fault

This is what I feel is happening, like years ago he made it really clear during a conversation that if we ever separated it would torture him to see our daughter part of another family. I feel like he’s keeping me here until she’s older/ I’m completely infertile.

I was in this position and he backed down and went ahead with the child and we ended up divorced anyway.

I genuinely wish I’d had that child with somebody else, anybody else frankly

I was an only child of two only children. I had the happiest childhood I think it's possible to have.