Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

I think it is totally unfair to suggest OP should continue in an unhappy marriage to 'priorise' her DC. Anyone that thinks modelling an unhappy marriage is in their DCs best interests is kidding themselves. I am the first on SC threads to say existing DC need priorising buy plenty of people move on and manage to prioritise their existing DC too. We only see the ones that is have gone wrong here, there are plenty of decent step parents.

There’s no indication your husband is nasty or deliberately wasting away your fertile years - this is something posters have put in your head.

You’ve not said you have an unhappy household.

But you are willing to destroy your family and your daughter’s life for a non existent second child. Therapy is clearly not working for you so I strongly suggest you find another therapist before you cause long term damage to your daughter.

Yeah, the world is just full of wonderful men who want to have babies and be step fathers 🙄

I don’t know if this perspective helps.
I wanted kids desperately for as long as I can remember and tried to go through a process to have them alone. It became clear that wouldn’t work because of a previously undiagnosed medical condition. Aged 35 I decided I’d focus instead on finding a good man and a good partnership if I was lucky enough to get that opportunity.

I met my now husband aged nearly 39, he was a little older. He was very ambivalent about having children by that age (for sensible reasons) and then various difficult things happened to him and his family that meant it felt unwise to push it. We did try after we got married but it didn’t work out. We are both sad we didn’t meet younger and have children but we have a good life.

One of the hardest things about the situation for me is that my younger sister has kids - so I have a niece and a nephew. They are great but since she had her second our relationship has changed for the worse. We’ve never been super close but have had some great times together especially in the ten years before she had kids and even when she had her eldest. Now she will only do things with me and the kids, she’s disappeared into her family and I feel like a spare part despite my best efforts. My parents are sad about it and of course love her and the grandkids but understand my position too.

There are no guarantees that giving your child a sibling will make their life better. You can’t guarantee cousins or grandchildren. Not all siblings are able to or willing to share care for elderly parents equally (I’ve seen this in my husband’s family) and it can cause tension. No one deserves any child let alone more than one. It’s not always better to have any or more. I’d have been massively grateful for just one in the end and in many ways came to see it as the best option given the world we’re in.

I do love my sister but I think either of us would have been ok being an only child. My mum has always been very against the only child scenario and me and my sister have both always thought that’s odd, what’s the big deal? My husband has an only child niece, some of my friends have only children. It’s complex and there have been compromises but they are happy families overall, have more money, flexibility and can give more to their other relationships and the world around them.

Society’s conditioning makes it hard for us all and I do think you are projecting your own feelings in saying your existing child will suffer - they won’t and they won’t necessarily gain from having a sibling.
If your husband has messed you around that’s really hard to come back from however and it’s very hard to judge a marriage from the outside.

But I have learned the hard way that in an uncertain world sometimes being grateful for what you have and making the most of that (if you judge you have a relationship worth saving with a man who truly loves you) has a lot to be said for it. It’s perfectly reasonable not to want a second child or any child particularly in certain circumstances. It’s not reasonable to mess someone around though life can be hard to navigate and people can change their mind.

Don’t know if that helps at all because I am not in your shoes. But try to separate the different elements of this, and consider what’s most important. Compromise isn’t always a dirty word but you do need to have space for both your feelings and those of your husband.

She's leaving a marriage to prioritise a fantasy DC that doesn't exist and may never exist. That's pretty unfair to everyone.

If your DH doesn’t want another, you need to decide what you want more, him or another child.

Surely having a father who loves their child and hopefully a good dad/husband is amazing, rather than having another child and your next post being another: “My DH doesn’t help with second DD/DS and expects me to do everything”

can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings

I wish people would stop using this as an excuse to have more children. It’s okay to just say you want another child. When the age gap is that big you are never having a child for your child to have a sibling. You are having it for yourself. And that’s okay.

There’s a 10 year age gap between myself and my sibling and it was the worst thing that happened to me at the time. I remember feeling like my world had fallen apart because I had to share my Mum. I obviously don’t feel like that anymore but I’m not close to them. The age gap is too big. There’s an 8 year age gap between DH and his closest sibling and whilst they chat, they aren’t close. The didn’t grow up together because the age gap is again too big.

I think you need to realistically take how you feel about another child out of the situation and assess how you feel about your husband. Do you want to stay? You sound like you are very unhappy. Him not even engaging in couples counselling is not a good sign but if he doesn’t want another baby and you are using couples counselling to force that then that isn’t fair.

Realistically you leave and then what. Are you happy with the fact you may never meet someone in time to have a baby with? Do you think that would be better than being stuck in a bitter marriage?

What if you do meet someone? You need to wait long enough to introduce them to your DC. Then wait to have the baby. You’re looking at an 11 year plus age gap. With a man that isn’t your DC’s Dad. Don’t disillusion yourself into thinking this will make your DC life better. If anything I imagine at that age after having her parents divorce and her Mum having a baby with another man she will be mostly disinterested and angry. There’s nothing worse than having a baby in the house as a teen.

Weigh up all of your options here. Don’t put your want for another child as a need for your DC. You sound unhappy in your marriage and full of hatred for your DH. If you leave then leave for that and for nothing else.

Wouldn't it be better to focus on achieving a life free from resentment, though?

I really feel for OP's situation, and I agree that her husband changing his mind has been a major contributor to it: in fact, I think it's a sign that the relationship has fundamental flaws that clearly haven't been addressed on time and now are surfacing under the cloak of this concrete issue.

But I also agree that having a child is a very important decision and we simply can't know, from OP's posts, his true motivation. So, assuming nothing nefarious is going on behind doors, OP is clearly idealising and that is hardly a healthy way of facing any kind of issue.
Leaving his husband and current family setup, as you suggest, to embark on the adventure of having more kids solo is a preposterous idea: she is already a mother. What about her actual, existing daughter? She doesn't need a sibling: what she needs is a stable enough mother, who puts her (daughter's) needs first and is mature enough to know that life isn't fair and we can't always have what we want but we can make the most of what we do have.

But again: I think there are important underlaying issues in the marriage, that manifest as this particular conflict of interest, but run deeper. However, if the husband is closed off to the possibility of exploring them... (although maybe, as others have said, he is closed off because of his wife's insisting only on the child issue).

It sounds like the root of the issue here is that you are distressed and he's refusing to engage with that. If he were willing to attend therapy with you maybe you would have found peace by now, because in reality you are extraordinarily lucky to have one child (it's one more than I'm ever going to have) and many people can and do find peace with their family size being smaller than expected. But you're never going to get there if your husband is closed off to your pain.

Have you ever laid it out to him in those terms? I am struggling here and it seems like you are turning your back on that when we are supposed to be husband and wife, a team. Because that's what marriage is, for me. You don't get to pick and choose when you 'see' your spouse, you have to take the rough and the smooth equally.

@BlueberryBagel there's a similar gap here, I consider myself an only child with siblings.

Just re read your posts "he isn't even compassionate about the situation" Sometimes he pretends he might consider it, sometimes he is dead against it. He is worried about (his?) mental health. He refuses to go to counselling.

So basically he is toying with you.

I notice you are the main breadwinner. It does sound as if his life is set up nicely for his convenience. Maybe I am misinterpreting the situation?

Sorry no advice because I know logic goes out of the window sometimes when we want to have another baby after a loss. Your feelings are valid. Only you can say if you could go it alone either with his sperm or a donor/new man. Either would upend your daughter's life.

You feel as if you hate him. Does he love you? If he supported you would you be willing to patch things up?

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation but I really feel for you.

I feel for you, I really do. I’ve had a similar situation myself, Reading your post (and other posters’ comments) has got me thinking about how I let my DH get his own way ie not having a second child because he felt it would affect his mental health… but actually my mental health has been affected by the grief of not giving my DS a sibling). So it’s interesting to consider - whose mental health is the most important, and is it more important to keep the status quo (ie not add to the family) as a default.
Anyway, something that struck me from what you say here, is about the possibility of splitting up with him and him going onto to meet someone younger and create a new family and push your daughter out. Heartbreaking and galling though that would be to see him to go onto to have more children with someone else, it’s a bit negative to presume your DD would be pushed out - I suppose at least it would give your child a (half) sibling. That’s just me musing and food for thought though. I genuinely do feel for you in your situation. (& of course it would be a ridiculous outcome for him to have that new baby with someone else rather than with you.)
I ended up staying with my DH in our little family of 3. I still resent him, but couples
counselling did help a bit, as in one of the sessions it was the first time he actually apologised and acknowledged my pain on it.

Yep me too! 10&12 year age gap.

I quite often say they’re my Mum’s other kids. I would never say that to her or them, but that’s how I feel.

Op don’t have a child with a sperm donor. You will then have one child with a father and one without. That’s cruel.

This sums it up.

@Whatisthisallabout1

there is nothing wrong with wanting an easy life and prioritising your mental health, Op. why do you wanna make life harder?

Enjoy nice holidays etc, stuff that would be harder and more expensive with two. enjoy some me time, focus on your career, fitness etc

there is no guarantee if you have your kid a sibling that they would get along and join up together to care for you in your old age, one might get lumbered regardless

OP when I had DD there were complications which meant I could never have any more children. I used to feel so upset every time I saw a pregnant woman.

The feeling does go eventually and, as life has turned out, I am actually glad that I only had one.

I understand that you have this need but it seems to be destroying your relationship with your husband. Is the marriage happy otherwise? If it is then I think you really need to try to understand the practical consequences of your decision. I know you say you have thought of these but the reality could be even worse.

Even if you don't find someone else and decide to use a sperm donor how are you going to tell your DD that she only sees her dad part time because your need for another child was more important than her having both her parents together.

It may be that this is not the only issue and if you have begun to hate your husband then perhaps separating is the right thing to do. I would say however that before you do you need to do everything possible to try to resolve this. I also include him in this. The fact that he is refusing to even try counselling suggests that there may be deeper problems.

I had 2 miscarriages before DD was born and my late DP wanted to give up trying after the second one. He hated how it affected me and also him. Maybe your DH doesn't want to risk going through this again.

Also have you been to the doctor? Crying all the time because you only have one child may be an indication of depression.

So one DD will only have half her time with her father and the other will have no father, by design. But that's fine as long as OP has money and gets what she wants. Sure it'll all work out great! (I'm the child of a sperm donor myself btw).

Some women really are awful

I didn't realise how awful until I found Mumsnet.

You'd blow up your existing child's world in your desperate search for another man who may or may not be a good step father to her and then present her with a half sibling who will push her even further onto the back burner? Your "need" for another child is 100% about you, not your 7 year old daughter.

I think it’s way, way more selfish to subject your child to a divorce (if this is the only reason you’re considering leaving him) and potentially unwanted step-parents than to give your child a sibling & satisfy your own desire for a second child

Nobody's life was ruined by not having a sibling. Lots of children suffer miserably from their parents splitting then moving in step parents and having children with them, though.

If your primary want is for your daughter to have a sibling, then why would it be a problem if your husband went on to have children with someone else?

Your daughter would have sibling(s) that way.

If you leave are you likely to "settle" for any man who will give you a child, due to the timescales involved?

What if you end up alone, with no second baby, and only seeing your existing dd for 50% of the time?

It's telling that you've spent a couple of years in counselling waiting for your "need" to go away. Why haven't you explored the option of trying to cone to terms with how life is for you instead?

I do sympathise, and I had a couple of years in my late 30s where I desperately wanted another. Now I'm in my 40s and the hormones behind it have worn off I'm very glad that it didn't work out that way.

If you've spent a couple of years in therapy and aren't getting anywhere then perhaps you need a new therapist/a different type of therapy, or to go and have a chat with your GP.

@Pinkelephantridesagain

i dunno, I have a feeling this bloke will be stocking up on the condoms. The short term pleasure ain’t worth the long term pain!

Why is it solely a woman's responsibility for cobtraception and pregnancy prevention?

How is asking a man yo take responsibility for this awful?