I don't want to live together.

[ItsTheCoo]

My partner of 9 months is pushing for us to live together and I simply don't want to. I had a messy divorce and now own a lovely little house with my children where we are very happy. Partner (f) lives in rented accommodation with their 2 children and wants us to rent together. Our children get on, but I think its too soon and I'm unsure if I ever want to live with a partner again. My partner is not happy about this but I just can't bear the thought of moving my 2 children (one with additional needs) out of our little bubble.

I'm considering walking away.

Don’t do it. Your gut is telling you no so listen to it.

If possible go on a holiday all together and have some habits that you know will annoy her and realise that separate houses are the best idea.

Never do what you don't want when it comes to protecting your mental health and the well-being of your children.
Anyone who is pressuring u isn't caring about u. Just them thinking about how you can improve life for them..🤮

Here’s a link definitely worth checking through while you have the time away and headspace. I for one am really glad that you followed your intuition enough to post on here for help. You and your children deserve nothing but freedom, emotional safety and happiness which in my opinion this woman will never bring. You should be incredibly proud of the Dad you have been and clearly continue to be by reaching out. You aren’t in your own and I’m sure people around you will want to do everything they can to help you. They may have noticed your partner’s behind Rae waiting for you to say something but if not, keep posting here for support
https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/

I'm home from holiday, she's clearly realised something is wrong as has been crying and begging me not to break up with her. She said she's had a horrible week and has lots to fill me in on...I'm dreading it as I know I'll feel terrible.

Her week isn't your responsibility - you don't need to feel bad about it

So has she asked you about your holiday? Or is she only interested in ‘me me me me me ‘

She sounds as selfish as fuck - please don’t pander to her emotional blackmail.

@ItsTheCoo i am pretty sure she’s making a drama up here as she knows she’s going yo be dumped.

Why didn’t she “share” this problem while you were away, If she wanted you to have a good time she wouldn’t have been using so much emotional blackmail. I don’t think there is a real situation that excuses her behavior - don’t give her the time to explain.

She and her dc had no right to make your break away a living hell!

She sounds very draining. Just end it. Do what’s best for your kids.

I thought the same thing to be honest. I hate making anyone sad so this is so hard for me, and now I'm feeling guilty.

@ItsTheCoo she knows you have a kind heart and may have forgiven her for past upsets. But this really crosses a line. I go away with my dc without my partner every year. Even though he doesn’t like me going, there are no horrible texts or phone calls. We stay in regular contact like at home but no drama! So I actually can’t wait to see him once I am back! Feeling dread of seeing a partner is a sign of abuse. I was like this with my ex h, being around him put me on edge.

You've had a horrible week too, thanks to her!

With someone like this, there is always, always an explanation for them being shitheads. They dump their lifecrap at your door and expect you to clean it all up for them.

Don't buy back into it OP, please!

You haven’t made her sad, she’s using emotional blackmail to manipulate you. It’s abusive behaviour - please don’t let her coerce you into a relationship you’re not happy in.

This.

Please. Protect yourself and yiur assets. I just had my ex pull rug from under me, i lost both parenrs, then dx left and has made such a drama i fouhd itneasier to just get equity and move on.

I had some inheritance for a deposit, or my dx would have had me living in a hmo and lose my beloved dog.

Protect yourself and your children, renting is twice the cost of a mortgage these days.

If your partner loved you, they would respect you and not force this.

I'll never I've with anyone again

After 9 months, ignoring you in holiday and begging you not to break up with her?

9 months is nothing. This is too intense.

I'm guessing OP that you feel you need a valid "excuse"?

All you have to say is that you just can't cope with all this and don't want it in your life.

I know it's hard, but those are the facts and to say anything else would be unnecessary and misleading.

She really can't argue with that. You have as much right to happiness as she does.

Oh wowee. Huge manipulation tactics coming your way.

She's going out of her way to say what a horrible week she's had to make you feel awful for having a holiday without her. She wants you to feel that it's your fault she had a bad week.

Don't fall for it.

IF she tells you about her horrible week, maybe you wouldn't break up with her?!!! She is far too intense for a 9mth relationship. She wants more than you can (willingly)give. Just be honest and tell her. Good luck OP.

Stay strong, she's doing a classic - making it all about her and not about you - move. She doesn't care about the impact she's had/is having on you. She just sees her gravy train starting to pull away from the station and will do anything to delay and hopefully stop it.
Tell her that you've had time to reflect and this relationship isn't for you. If you need to collect anything/return anything of hers, do it asap - I would be prepared to write your stuff off and put hers in a box to leave on the doorstep.
Be prepared for her to not take no for an answer and to become very pest-like and ramp up the love bombing. Go grey rock and repeat that this relationship isn't for you.

Interesting you assume the OP is male, I assumed female in a same sex relationship. Funny how we can get these ideas from the way someone writes on a forum.

True. I guess lived experience that still causes trauma makes me jump to a lot of conclusions. I think the fact that I (female) was a victim of a male perpetrator and my partner was a victim of female perpetrator I deciphered OPs posts as them being g isolated due to being male. My mistake. The same abusive tactics are sadly used by covert make and female perpetrators all too often and the gender should never be assumed. Hope that my intentions were very clear though

Don’t feel guilty you’ve done nothing wrong. This is gaslighting at its finest. She’s ruining your time away too which is mean and spiteful. I’d run an absolute mile!

Time to give your head a massive wobble. You can do som much better than this x

This really isn't a healthy relationship for you @ItsTheCoo and the really important thing is that it is not your job to fix your soon-to-be-ex who I really hope you split up from asap. Neither is it your job to invest loads of time explaining to her how inappropriate and unhealthy her interactions with you have been. She's a drain on your emotional energy that you didn't sign up for and breaking up with such a one can, if you let it, take months and be more of a nightmare than staying in the relationship. You'll need to summon up strength to resist.

Your priorities for at least the next year, or more, need to be (a) the wellbeing of your children and (b) working on your own mental landscape to work out why you are drawn into unhealthy relationships, to learn what green flags and red flags to look out for in future and develop the self-esteme and personal independence that you will need for your next relationship to be a healthy one. This is not something that you can do from inside a relationship.

Hope you’re doing ok OP?