I don't want to live together.

[ItsTheCoo]

My partner of 9 months is pushing for us to live together and I simply don't want to. I had a messy divorce and now own a lovely little house with my children where we are very happy. Partner (f) lives in rented accommodation with their 2 children and wants us to rent together. Our children get on, but I think its too soon and I'm unsure if I ever want to live with a partner again. My partner is not happy about this but I just can't bear the thought of moving my 2 children (one with additional needs) out of our little bubble.

I'm considering walking away.

In a healthy relationship your partner respects your boundaries and considers your feelings. She doesn’t.

Absolutely this ,don't risk losing your happy home ,especially after just 9 months.

It's a good sign that you started this thread, your gut is telling you that something is very off here. I have been in your position too, and still am to some extent, and it takes a lot of time to heal properly. I'm three years in and still don't trust my judgement completely so I just avoid romantic relationships and will do so until I feel ready.

What??

Yes, it's basically the larva stage of a fully-grown cocklodger.
It's someone who starts a relationship and falls in love with someone because they need somewhere to live.
They'll love bomb, things will move quickly.
And then comes the "accommodation emergency". The hobosexual has some kind of issue such as the landlord wanting to evict them; can't afford rent; they are living with parents or friends who are pissed off with them and want them out.
They'll then persuade their partner to let them move in with them "just until I get myself sorted out".
That's when the hobosexual metamorphosizes into the cocklodger. They don't leave and often an "employment emergency" follows where they lose their job; quit work due to nasty bullying manager; mental health crisis meaning they can't work.
They'll then hang around allegedly looking for work but not actually bothering too much.

That's what a hobosexual is and how it's related to a cocklodger. Vaglodger is the term for a woman who does this.

OP you are right. 9 months is far too soon.
Do not let her move in with you and be careful that she doesn't have some kind of issue with her current accommodation and pressure you into her moving in "just until she gets sorted".

There are children involved. I can't even imagine why she would think this was in anyway appropriate after 9 months.

Also I don't like her giving you the silent treatment because you are doing things with friends. I think you should rethink the entire thing. But tell her straight away that you are not ready to live together so it won't be happening. And then take some time to think whether you want to continue the relationship at all.

That’s not great, is it?

You’ve only been together nine months. You get to decide what you want in a relationship - don’t be railroaded!

I’d end things. She doesn’t sound great - sulky, abusive, controlling.

Another reason for you to dump them when you get home.

Seriously OP, I eat cheese that's been matured for longer than 9 months.

It is far to soon to move in together, especially when kids are involved, and you are being pushed into something you don't want to do. Your partner has no respect for your boundaries.

I would also have a concern with your partner being around your children if she moved in. Going by how she is treating you, she doesn’t sound like a good or safe person.

Hold your boundaries, @ItsTheCoo She's one pushy madam and if you give ever so slightly she will bulldoze you. Your inner voice telling you this isn't right for you, trust your instincts and be happy on your own. Doing the Freedom course might be helpful in working through your messy marriage and divorce, and learning to be strong so domineering people don't take advantage of you.

I would definitely walk away.

From what you've said about them, they're being forceful about living together, don't like when you see other people, and you're almost feeling obliged to do things you don't want because they do a lot for you.

It's only been nine months.

You look like you're heading into another abusive relationship.

Masterful summary!

Seriously - no way. Pressuring you, going silent - this is rubbish behaviour.

It’s only been 9 months and there are kids involved - you would be very unwise to move in so fast, even if your other half was behaving impeccably.

100% no.

1. You don’t want to
2. Err.. that’s it!

And yes, it’s WAY too soon. Stick to your guns, OP. Your kids and you come first.

Rooting in with everyone.
You are in another abusive relationship and it is going to escalate the moment you move in together.
Stand your ground.

Can you imagine your life if you lived with her?
You sell up your house and move into rented. Kids unsettled, you lose your security. Imagine finding a rental with so many bedrooms that each child would have a separate one. Impossible.
You find it challenging living with 4 children. They get on well now, but this won't be the case after the novelty wears off (have a look at step parenting board 💁‍♀️)
You may want to discipline her kids at some point, you may have a different approach to parenting, this causes arguments and silent treatments. From your posts I get impression she is the one with strong pushing character. She would want her rules at home you will be sharing. You will be disappointed for not being heard out, and unable to have a decent conversation with her. You will start resenting the whole set up. Unsettled children and you being forced to be a passenger in your own life. Anxiety kicks in again and these familar feelings you had in last abusive relationship come back. All of them. You're overwhelmed and not yourself any more. This is causing more arguments with your partner.
Let's say it is two years down the line.
Houses are much more expensive and you find yourself unable to afford even a small home for you and your children. You're trapped again.

Op, you have done a great job so far and your intuition screams to protect you, that's why you are here.
Listen to your own voice. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.
Stand your ground.

Thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement. For the first time this week I actually managed to sleep rather than lie there stressing!

Since she is now giving you the silent treatment you can just continue on with that. She is expecting you to reach out to her but just don't. She will eventually pop up with some gaslighting nonsense, you can just tell her then that emotionally abusive relationships isn't for you and that you would prefer if she didn't contact you again.

I had this whenever I met up with family ...they'd stop responding to messages, I'd imagine they'd fallen (doing the DIY they promised but never did)...agonise about going home early...it was just part of abuse and control. Sheer jealousy (even though they were invited but declined time from work). The silent treatment is a wish to hurt you...don't put up with this non love 🌅

This is really good advice.

They're now really upset and asking what they've done wrong. Honestly this is the worst holiday I've had - so much for relaxation 😭

This is a woman you have known for a very short period of time. She doesn't have the power to ruin your holiday. In a few months, or maybe even weeks, she will just be somebody you used to know that made you uncomfortable.

It really did!!

Block her - don’t let her ruin your holiday. It’s a deliberate tactic and it’s controlling and abusive.

Hi @ItsTheCoo why do you use the pronoun “ they” - are you also referring to her DC being upset. If so it’s ridiculous behaviour. Just ignore them.

I bet she's sending messages at the times most calculated to upset your sleep or interrupt your day. Don't explain, don't soothe, don't let her ruin your fun. At most send a message saying "let's have a conversation when I get back, until then I'm going to concentrate on my family and my holiday" and then mute her.

I would say to dump her now because she's ramping up the emotional abuse but I think you would probably feel bad about dumping her by text. When you dump her don't give explanations, she's only going to use those as a way to stop you from dumping her. Just say "It's not working for me, I wish you the best" or other bland things and make the conversation short and in a place that you can leave easily, ie not inside either of your houses.