I don't want to live together.

[ItsTheCoo]

My partner of 9 months is pushing for us to live together and I simply don't want to. I had a messy divorce and now own a lovely little house with my children where we are very happy. Partner (f) lives in rented accommodation with their 2 children and wants us to rent together. Our children get on, but I think its too soon and I'm unsure if I ever want to live with a partner again. My partner is not happy about this but I just can't bear the thought of moving my 2 children (one with additional needs) out of our little bubble.

I'm considering walking away.

I’m with you. I love my husband but if anything were to happen to us I’d never live with someone again EVER. Sometimes if our kids aren’t home we sleep in separate rooms just because we both fidget and snore or go to bed at different times - it’s bliss. He works shifts and I love when he’s on nights of a weekend - whole house pretty much to myself lovely. Our close friends met in later life and both sleep in different rooms too.

9 months is quite early too. Do what you feels right for you, be selfish.

And this doesn't give you enough to dump them?

They are trying to move in by stealth and now trying to control you with manipulation and emotional abuse? Please get shut of them!

Great advice, I too hope you reconsider this relationship.

Stick to your guns if you’re happy with your current circumstances. Not being nosy but what is her financial situation? She may just want you to move in with her to help with the rent and bills.

I bet you do loads for her, too, but don't think of it as a down payment on something that will benefit you at her expense.

You are 100% correct @ItsTheCoo - don't move in together. Stability is what you and your children need right now and blending families is very hard and often not in the children's best interests. Dating is great and forming a new romantic relationship that might turn into something long-term is fine but 9 months is far too soon to consider actually moving in together when there are kids in the picture. Better to wait till after they've grown up.

Now what is the female version of a cocklodger ?

I'm not even sure I would have introduced kids to each other after 9 months (not saying it's 'wrong' to have done that), let alone move in together! I'm not planning on moving in with anyone while my son is little. RUN, if she doesn't accept your decision with good grace.

So don’t! Easy.

Think about how long it has taken you to get through the divorce and find a happy settled place for you and your kids, you have done so well to achieve this do NOT risk what you have.

You are right and it’s a bad idea throwing 4 children into the mix too. 9 months is nothing.
From my personal experience I’ve been with my partner 5 years. He wants to move it however I don’t want to blend families. I would love him to live with me once both children are at uni and are young adults.

Controlling: doesnt like the fact youre away with family.
no respect for your boundaries: Wanting to push you in to something you dont want to do.
Wanting to destabilise your children: you own a house. Why would renting be an option for you? You gain nothing from this.

please do not do this. Everything changes when you live with someone especially the dynamics. Is it likely your partner is rushing in things as she’s in financial difficulty and needs help with rent etc?
stay in your lovely bubble x

Feeling pressure to do things you don't want to do because you feel ungrateful is a terrible dynamic. As is the jealousy and silent treatment about you being away. She doesn't love you for who you really are and thinks her wants should take precedence over your (very wise) wants and your children's needs. These are not good qualities in a long-term partner and the 'doing lots for you' probably comes under lovebombing as it's still early days and she's not actually doing the important things like listening to you, trusting you and respecting your wishes.

She sounds controlling and manipulative. It will only get worse if she moves in. Stick to your guns.

You do realise that the ‘doing loads’ for you was probably contingent on you expressing your gratefulness by letting her move in. This woman is calculating and manipulative and she shouldn’t be in the same postcode as your kids, let alone in the same house. It’s time to throw this one back.

No WAY. Far too soon. If DH and I split up tomorrow/if he died, I would never have another man in my life again, let alone have one move in. Keep your security and your little house, and let your partner carry on renting. How silly to want to move in after 9 months. FGS. Say NO, and if they keep pushing you will end it.

8 months
Is to soon to move in . Especially with kids involved. Tell her no its not for you

You know what, OP? If she was right for you, you wouldn't be posting on here.

You'd just say "I don't want to live together."

Job done.

The fact that you feel under pressure speaks volumes I'm afraid.

I've been there! I actually let DP live with me for years based on this precarious foundation of guilt and obligation. I hope you can jump-skip the whole process of realising this is total bullshit.

Toxic, toxic, toxic. Run a mile OP.

Are you also female? Lesbian relationships have the highest level of abuse out of all demographics. Don't allow your happiness to be stolen.

Way too soon!

Were you in an abusive marriage? Everything you are typing is telling me that you can't tell what a healthy relationship should feel like. This is not a healthy person you have involved yourself with. I think you have done some repair work since your divorce but you are nowhere near ready to enter a new one.

Big red flag 🚩🚩🚩

Give up your home and your DC’s stability?
No chance.
Your gut is telling you to walk away. Listen to it. Don’t listen to her.

Yes, it was emotionally and verbally abusive. I think you're right I don't really know what a healthy relationship looks like.