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Original poster

Would you/should I ask this question...

186 replies

Rosiecidar · 03/08/2025 22:41

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

OP posts:
MascaraGirl · 12/08/2025 10:11

purpledaze24 · 12/08/2025 09:47

As someone in my 30s who’s been doing a lot of OLD recently, I can tell you it’s pretty much expected to be messaging back and forth at least once a day, if not multiple times a day, from when you first decide there’s a mutual connection there after 2 or 3 messages on the app. I usually then switch to WhatsApp. I think there’s pros and cons to this - it’s good to get an idea if you’ll click with the person before investing time and energy going on a date. But while you might get an idea if you’ll click or not through messaging, you don’t know if there’s going to be a spark there romantically. You have to meet for that, and as a PP pointed out, it does create a false sense of intimacy. Then you build this amazing picture of them in your head and you meet them and you don’t fancy them. And it’s far more disappointing than if you hadn’t invested all that energy into chatting. I find the expectation (among my age group anyway) frustrating because if you don’t message them at least once a day (even before you’ve met) it’s seen as you not being interested or you have to make an excuse. It’s just not socially acceptable to say that you’d rather not (potentially) waste time chatting to them before you meet cos you don’t know if it’s going to go anywhere yet

Show quote history

I totally get your point @purpledaze24 It all seems the wrong way round these days, like you need to get to know someone before you actually meet, whereas ideally you should establish if there’s any sort of spark before anything else?

victorianbaby · 12/08/2025 10:16

HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 12/08/2025 06:59

Thanks for the update and hope you find someone who ticks all the boxes.

I think he was 'being tactful' suggesting neither of you thought it was going anywhere long term, rather than simply saying he didn't think it would.

It's perfectly normal for one side to think there is chemistry but the other doesn't. I'd not over think it.

To give him his dues, he did make contact first and didn't mess you about with more dates.

Edited

Agree. I used this phrase or similar once.

Iamfree · 12/08/2025 10:27

I was in the camp of those thinking he’d lost interest. I am positively surprised that he actually messaged. OP, nothing to do with showing more interest, chemistry is not something you can determine. There will be the right man for you out there, this wasn’t it. Onwards and upwards!

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 12/08/2025 10:47

I agree. I think he's quite charming and charming men can be quite good at making someone feel there's more of a mutual feeling then there is, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ponyprincess · 12/08/2025 12:20

As you have told him you are away, I am guessing he has some other dates in that time (particularly as you said he's new to OLD) and is maybe waiting to see how those pan out.

You have the rule to be exclusive from date 3, but don't assume others do. Unless you have the conversation on exclusivity (and date 2 early for that!) assume it's not.

I think it's a bit much sharing videos and names of exes on date 2- for me that would be a red flag.

Go on your holiday, enjoy and see how you feel when you get back.

ponyprincess · 12/08/2025 12:30

Sorry hadn't seen your update- I am guessing he might have met a better option (for him- you sound lovely), sorry!

DatingDinosaur · 12/08/2025 12:50

Apologies, I've not read the full thread yet @Rosiecidar but -

"kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. "

How did you respond to this?

From reading some of your other replies, he's asked you questions, you answer but don't ask anything back. Could be he's interpreting this as lack of interest from you and backing off.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/08/2025 14:26

DatingDinosaur · 12/08/2025 12:50

Apologies, I've not read the full thread yet @Rosiecidar but -

"kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. "

How did you respond to this?

From reading some of your other replies, he's asked you questions, you answer but don't ask anything back. Could be he's interpreting this as lack of interest from you and backing off.

I'd agree with this. It sounds to me like he was looking for some indication from you that you were interested but wasn't getting it.

He organised the second date while on the first, showing a clear indication of his interest. He them mentioned "next time" a few times on the second date, clearly hoping you'd then take the bull by the horns and suggest something. Instead he got nothing.

He's given it a week for you to suggest another date, and when he's got nothing, he's politely moved on.

MascaraGirl · 12/08/2025 14:37

But its so difficult - finding the balance between showing enough interest and not coming on too strong. However if he was genuinely really interested I still think he would have pursued things. Unless the OP behaved like a real cold fish (and I don't think she did) I don't think she did anything wrong?

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 12/08/2025 15:11

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I definitely didn't blow off the suggestion to meet but maybe/definitely wasn't saying"yes when ?" @HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime suggested showing interest in the moment rather than in a follow up message. @ponyprincess I was really surprised he messaged again, there really wasn't a need, there was nothing in his message that was an invitation, he knew that I was going away.

OP posts:
ponyprincess · 12/08/2025 15:14

I guess it's a little better than being ghosted? Although as a ppl said, outcome the same.

You seem great and I hope you find someone who sees and values that

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