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Original poster

Would you/should I ask this question...

186 replies

Rosiecidar · 03/08/2025 22:41

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

OP posts:
IMissSparkling · 04/08/2025 10:15

Surely you can Google the podcasts if you're that interested? Confused

HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 04/08/2025 10:22

MsDDxx · 04/08/2025 10:13

People always say this but it’s not always the case.

One of my best friends is a man, in his mid-40s. He has NEVER chased a woman, or even asked one out. He admits he just doesn’t have it in him and prefers the woman to do all the running.

He’s done alright - been engaged three times and had several other relationships. Unfortunately his relationships all fell apart for the same reason which I won’t bore you all with. Just wanted to point out that not ALL men will do the chasing.

Show quote history

That's a perfect example of how he's a disaster in relationships so he's not 'done all right' at all!

cramptramp · 04/08/2025 10:25

You’re reading far too much much into this. He was bullshitting you on the date to see how you’d react. Probably to feed his ego. He doesn’t want to see you again. Sorry.

Charabanc · 04/08/2025 10:27

If he's only been OLD for two weeks then you'll have been one of the first people he dated. But be sure, he's dating some more now.

Personally I would leave it until after your holiday, then if you absolutely must text him about the podcasts.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 10:32

Charabanc · 04/08/2025 10:27

If he's only been OLD for two weeks then you'll have been one of the first people he dated. But be sure, he's dating some more now.

Personally I would leave it until after your holiday, then if you absolutely must text him about the podcasts.

I am leaning towards this...it makes sense. Also personally I have a rule that I wouldn't have a third date with someone while seeing other people, so perhaps it's a keeping options open type thing.

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 04/08/2025 10:37

I would send a casual message asking about the podcasts and if he has any thoughts about meeting up after you get back. Just something simple. I feel too old for wondering and pissing about. Ask a straight questions and get a straight answer.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/08/2025 10:37

I would just say -
Hi Jim, hope you’re well. Enjoyed meeting you
the other day. Could you send those podcasts when you’ve a mo? Would be great to meet again if you fancy it. Best, Rosie

GentlemanJay · 04/08/2025 11:21

Don’t die wondering. Ask him outright.

WatieKatie · 04/08/2025 11:54

Unfortunately with OLD my experience is that many men ‘future fake’ They speak of another date and all the places that you can go, then either you hear nothing or they message to say there is no chemistry.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 12:04

So thank you all.
I think that he created a sense or feeling of emotional intimacy - he spoke about his exes by name (obviously not the surname!), told me that about the sad relationship with his son. All of that created a sense of intimacy. All of that made me feel special, in my head I was thinking "he wouldn't be telling me all of this for nothing" - I have noticed this with very successful charming men, some seem to fast track the relationship and then take a step back.
I sort of think I will leave it, go away on my trip and if I see a picture to send I might and then perhaps depending on how I feel suggest meeting up.

OP posts:
HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 04/08/2025 12:26

I think that he created a sense or feeling of emotional intimacy - he spoke about his exes by name (obviously not the surname!), told me that about the sad relationship with his son. All of that created a sense of intimacy. All of that made me feel special

Sounds as if you were there as 'free therapy' for him to offload.

I'd be wary of a man who revealed so much on two dates.

I fully get how it pulled you in and made you feel special.

You've done nothing wrong.

Please don't badger him for the podcast. It's so obvious that it's a means of establishing contact again. (OR he will just send you the link and not arrange another date.) If he promised to send you something and has forgotten so soon, he's not worth the effort anyway.

Mintpie · 04/08/2025 12:37

Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 12:04

So thank you all.
I think that he created a sense or feeling of emotional intimacy - he spoke about his exes by name (obviously not the surname!), told me that about the sad relationship with his son. All of that created a sense of intimacy. All of that made me feel special, in my head I was thinking "he wouldn't be telling me all of this for nothing" - I have noticed this with very successful charming men, some seem to fast track the relationship and then take a step back.
I sort of think I will leave it, go away on my trip and if I see a picture to send I might and then perhaps depending on how I feel suggest meeting up.

Don’t bother sending anything. If he wants another date he will contact you. I think from reading your posts, he doesn’t.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 12:44

HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 04/08/2025 12:26

I think that he created a sense or feeling of emotional intimacy - he spoke about his exes by name (obviously not the surname!), told me that about the sad relationship with his son. All of that created a sense of intimacy. All of that made me feel special

Sounds as if you were there as 'free therapy' for him to offload.

I'd be wary of a man who revealed so much on two dates.

I fully get how it pulled you in and made you feel special.

You've done nothing wrong.

Please don't badger him for the podcast. It's so obvious that it's a means of establishing contact again. (OR he will just send you the link and not arrange another date.) If he promised to send you something and has forgotten so soon, he's not worth the effort anyway.

I hear you. I think it shows an emotional inconsistency. I don't think it's at all wrong to talk about exes on dates to a point but I have never met anyone on date number two who has told me the names of, I think at least three exes. Intentionally or not for me that created a feeling of trust and intimacy but maybe that was genuine in the moment or maybe not at all.
The point about the podcasts was only relevant if we were seeing each other again.

OP posts:
Thulpelly · 04/08/2025 13:04

Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 09:04

Is it too fast ? People have sex after 3/4 dates so I don't think it's too fast after spending hours and hours talking about very personal, life love, work, what you're looking for, whether you think there's a prospect of a relationship ?

Yes it’s too fast to talk about a relationship, for most people. Sex you can have on the first date.. it’s not necessarily an indication of intimacy/closeness!

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 13:09

Thulpelly · 04/08/2025 13:04

Yes it’s too fast to talk about a relationship, for most people. Sex you can have on the first date.. it’s not necessarily an indication of intimacy/closeness!

Show quote history

I have been on a few dates where men have initiated discussing the next date ...I think on OLD is a bit different because you have literally said in writing what you are looking for.

OP posts:
Pbjsand · 04/08/2025 13:10

Objectively, mentioning his ex’s by name is not creating intimacy.
If a man is interested, he’ll make it very clear.
If he’s only been OLD for 2 weeks and had a flurry of interest, he will want to explore other options.
If I were you, I’d send one message while you’re away and then leave the ball in his court.

Thulpelly · 04/08/2025 13:20

Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 13:09

I have been on a few dates where men have initiated discussing the next date ...I think on OLD is a bit different because you have literally said in writing what you are looking for.

Show quote history

It’s still too fast to send the first message/talk about a relationship after a 2 dates.
It would put me off someone.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 13:21

Thulpelly · 04/08/2025 13:20

It’s still too fast to send the first message/talk about a relationship after a 2 dates.
It would put me off someone.

Show quote history

I agree the first message is too heavy handed. He actually said he was looking for a lovely relationship but I still agree it's heavy.

OP posts:
HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 04/08/2025 13:25

Did you equally share your 'past' or was it all about him @Rosiecidar ?

Was he as interested in your previous life before him?

IME some men who talk all about themselves are a bit me, me, me.
Talking about all your ex's by Date 2 is not a good sign anyway.

I'm sure you're lovely and a good listener. Maybe he felt he had free rein to offload?

Even if he IS looking for a 'lovely relationship', that's a statement in principle. It doesn't mean every person he dates is The One.

wrongthinker · 04/08/2025 13:27

Just let it go, OP. He probably just wants to keep you on the backburner while he dates lots of other women. He's full of red flags. And has made it clear he's not really interested in you. No need for confusion, checking, or chasing. Just let it go, he's not the one and you're wasting time thinking about him instead of being open to meeting others.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 13:32

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime he asked me questions but I would say less emotional, I would say he introduced his exes into conversation. I tend to hold back a little on a second date even a very long one...I probably told him a little more because otherwise you can have these dates where you are just talking about general stuff and there's no connection.
He made a something, a piece of furniture and his ex was opening a drawer in a video and he said that's X ...I wouldn't have shown the video even though though it was in answer to my question about what he had made.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 04/08/2025 13:56

Christ don’t chase.
He said he’d send them, so be patient.

Don‘t ever make yourself look desperate!!

HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime · 04/08/2025 14:09

Rosiecidar · 04/08/2025 13:32

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime he asked me questions but I would say less emotional, I would say he introduced his exes into conversation. I tend to hold back a little on a second date even a very long one...I probably told him a little more because otherwise you can have these dates where you are just talking about general stuff and there's no connection.
He made a something, a piece of furniture and his ex was opening a drawer in a video and he said that's X ...I wouldn't have shown the video even though though it was in answer to my question about what he had made.

How long have you been doing OLD?

If it's not long, I think you will become more of an expert at picking out the men who say one thing and do another.

In your shoes now, I'd write him off and move on. He's already let you down re. the podcast, he's not firmed up on another date after you messaged him after your date.

He's not giving off the right vibes.

Move on. Unless he's God's gift to womankind (unlikely) there are plenty more men out there who will adore you- you just need to meet one.

wrongthinker · 04/08/2025 14:20

Lighteningstrikes · 04/08/2025 13:56

Christ don’t chase.
He said he’d send them, so be patient.

Don‘t ever make yourself look desperate!!

Definitely don't chase.

But don't "be patient" either. Why would you wait? He's had his chance with you, and he didn't take it. So move on.

Don't chase. Don't wait. Don't waste any more time on this person.

3luckystars · 04/08/2025 14:24

Do not text him under any circumstances. Men love the chase, you are ruining this if you text him now.

Just get on with your own life and be happy and if he goes out of his way to be part of that and make a genuine effort then great.
Don’t be bending yourself and know your worth woman.

Go on your holiday and enjoy it and do not text him.