Would you/should I ask this question...

[Rosiecidar]

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

There aren't any fewer men in their mid 50s than any other age group.

According to a quick AI search the largest group of single men are those up to 29.

After 29 right through to over 65, single men account for around 28-30% of all men. So there are just as many single men aged 55 as there are men aged 35, 40, 45 etc.

As I've said before- don't rely on OLD. get out and do things where you will find men.

*any other age group excludes those under 29.

@Rosiecidar What's the context of this man?
Are you newly single after a long relationship? Have you been using OLD for long?

Don't want this to sound as criticism but if people marry young without a lot of experience beforehand and are single in later life, it's entirely possible not to 'get' how men can behave and how to respond to them.

I'm only saying this because when I was younger I did what you might end up doing- prompting men I liked in the hope it would initiate a response or another date.
Mostly, they were happy to see me but it always ended in tears (mine) when they detached themselves.

My advice to you now is hold your fire. If he's keen you will find out.

It doesn't really work that way, many men in my age group are looking to date a few years younger. So if you take 57 and add a few years most of the men that I have met are looking for someone to retire and spend time with but that's not me. I am not doubting your stats but I have been OLD for years. So I am a member of a small gym, have a hobby that is very absorbing and there's a lot of men that do it and do loads of activities.... yes there's men but that doesn't mean they are single or interested in me and vice versa.

So I have been married, have had a number of relationships the last ending over a year ago and I have done a lot of online dating. I have also met men through work and friends in the past but that hasn't happened in a while and the workplace atmosphere is such now that no guy would dare ask any woman for anything.

Not sure if it was you or another poster recently (there have been 3 threads going about OLD!) but you/they said they looked younger and knocked a few years off their profile, but were honest once they met the men.

most of the men that I have met are looking for someone to retire and spend time with but that's not me.

That sounds odd. My DH is retired and so are his work colleagues but they live very independent lives doing their own thing, not joined at the hip with their partners. The women (my friends) are really busy with volunteering, classes, seeing their own friends etc, often having holidays with their own friends.
Sounds like those men are just boring. No reason why you can't keep working if they are retired.

You're only 57. Visually you could probably pass for 50 so why do men want younger women? Over 50 many women look in better shape than men!

I'd start knocking years off your profile if you've not done it already.

So I have been married, have had a number of relationships the last ending over a year ago and I have done a lot of online dating.

That's interesting.

I wonder why those relationships have all ended. Was it you or them?
There must be a pattern if in your 50s you are able to date men, it evolves into a relationship (so not just dates) but all the relationships end.

maybe there is a pattern behind this- either sticking with men because you compromise and then reality sets in or they are doing the same.

No idea if this is relevant to that, but if you were to 'prompt' this man into another date you could end up jogging along together (some men are serial daters and can't bear to be on their own) never being fully invested and eventually he leaves.

Hello @HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime I have in the past mentioned knocking a few years off my profile for OLD but always mentioning it at the very start, and I actually provoked quite a backlash on MN !
What I would say is there's a difference between being joined at the hip and wanting someone to do stuff with in retirement, the big one seems to be traveling and easily over half of the men I have been on dates with have second homes abroad. And there's a difference how long established partners behave in a relationship with how they behave at the start where you do need to make time to get a relationship off and running..

I definitely need to look at relationship patterns . I have dated a lot in my 50s and have had one serious relationship, he ended it (because it was getting to the future planning but).
I think everyone compromises in relationships even if they don't admit it, perhaps not sweethearts who met at school or university, I suppose it's the extent of the compromise.

I don't think knocking years off your age is a bad thing tbh.
Age is just a number!
In real life no one would be asking how old you were before they'd even started talking to you!

I wonder- just a thought- if your online profile as it's written- is really describing 'you'?

Here, you come over as super-sociable, maybe career-minded, independent. Are you making it clear in your profile what sort of man you're looking for?
Ideally you want a man who is younger- early 50s at most- who is still working where you can lead your own lives but have fun together too.

On the other hand, is there space in your life for a man? From your other posts it doesn't sound as if there is.

Playing devil's advocate, many women would give their right arm for a man with a home overseas who wanted to share that.

It's a numbers game and as for the knocking a few years off - so what 🤷♀️ as long as you admit to it.

I’ve met men who knocked years off their age and inches off their height - absolute dealbreaker for me as shows they’re a liar.

They add inches on everywhere all the time 😁

You can open doors but never chase.

This. So no harm in sending him a quick message about the podcasts, and mention you may listen to them on your holiday (or whatever) but let him take it from there.

It's chasing.
All but the most stupid person in the world would realise it was an excuse to make contact.

He promised to send the podcasts when he got home.
He didn't.

So he's unreliable and not invested.

I'm sure if OP is that interested in them she can find them herself online.

Even if they said that they were 'young at heart' and only knocked years off to increase the 'likes'?

I think OLD should actually omit people's ages or at least have a very broad range, like 50-60.

You really can't choose a partner based on age alone.
I know couples with age gaps of up to 25 years in both directions- younger woman/older man, younger man/older woman.

On OLD they'd never have met I assume.

I'm not a man . What's going on with this emoji ??

It’s the fact they’ve lied that’s the issue imo.

Lying is a dealbreaker for me and when they can’t tell the truth from day one that’s a huge red flag.
If a guy is 60 and is honest about it that’s a million times preferable to saying he’s 55 just to attract a few younger women. Lying about age is a bit pathetic imo.

Im not on OLD anymore but when I was my profile was 100% honest and I expect the same in return.

And imo ‘young at heart’ or ‘age is only a number’ are the cringiest cliches and an instant swipe left

Well, you do you.

I've not done OLD but if I did I'd possibly drop a few years.
It's far from the deal breaker you seem to think it is.

There are far, far worse things to lie about on OLD- mainly already having a wife/ husband!

I think most reasonably minded people would understand that dropping a few years to avoid being pigeonholed was ok. If someone tells you on the first date, what's the issue? If they look younger and behave younger, that's fine. It's not cringy in anyway.

I am not going to ask about the podcasts! But chasing or not chasing I don't really see a problem with it. Loads of men I know who met people in later life have said it was the woman who made things very clear/chased.

You don't see the problem?

The problem is that if you do the chasing you will never know if he is really interested or filling time until someone more suitable comes along.

All those men who were 'chased' were IMO lazy and just not that fussed.
If you want a man like that, go ahead.

But you're ignoring the fact he's already let you down by not sending things he promised, you texted first after your date, and he's not contacted you since.

Read the room.

@TwistedWonder @HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime I think lying to meet someone younger is one thing but lying because to get to meet someone your own age is different, especially when you tell them.

I don't really think a dating profile is 💯 honest, people leave off things because it's better discussed, I have noticed that with men who have care arrangements with children, that's fine.

The biggest issue that men have said to me is a deal breaker is meeting someone who looks nothing like their pictures because they have used filters, old pictures. A lot of men have said to me they won't make contact with anyone who hasn't got a full body picture because they are often overweight.

I agree with the person who said that IRL you wouldn't ask someone their age when you meet them.

Partly it's because I have never been one to chase and I don't disagree with you but I honestly know many men who don't want to be rejected either or show interest in someone because she's really keen.

I may get shot down for this, but age can be neither here nor there if you like someone, but height is a more tricky issue.

So any updates OP, unless I've missed something he hasn't been in touch again?