Would you/should I ask this question...

[Rosiecidar]

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

I can honestly tell you there are few men in their 50s actually looking to date women in the same age group....so having done OLD for some time I would honestly say there really aren't plenty out there.

These men are deluded.
They think they can pull women 10 or 15 years younger.
Eventually they wake up to the reality.

I suggest you find other ways of meeting nice men.
Walking groups, solo holidays, classes, talks, sport (golf anyone?) etc.

It's very rare to meet someone IRL these days and the last time I did that the guy was genuinely the worse boyfriend I ever had. Most men looking for a partner don't will use OLD even if they are also doing activities.

I don't know how anyone can be bothered with doing anything but be straightforward. How boring the game playing is.

@Rosiecidar if he’s new to this he may have decided he is being too keen and to step back a bit. I honestly think, don’t second guess everything. You both thought during the date you want to see each other again - if he does, then he probably thinks he doesn’t need to reassure you because he told you. He probably has arranged some other dates given he is new to this (because it is nerve-wracking and a minefield) and he might even be regretting that because he likes you. Or, he doesn’t want to carry on but only he would know, unless you ask him, which I think you have every right to do, but I probably would want to wait until next week. But then I’m crap at all this so - arrgh!

I understand the idea that men like to chase but that's implying all men are the same and they really aren't.
Just as some women like to be taken care of and have the man pay for the dates, some women don't.
We are each our own people and I know men and women who have ended up in relationships by doing completely opposite things so there isn't some "rule book" to follow.
I have never been chased by a man, ever, not once. So this premise that a guy will always chase if he likes you really devalues women who have never had that.

Yes, the early days in a relationship can set the scene, but that's exactly why you should be yourself and not play games.
The world is not full of options, there's a very small pool, so if you like someone, don't be afraid to tell them. If they aren't for you then they reciprocate in a way that shows that.
You just have to then be adult enough to move on.

I'd be asking myself if there is really 'chemistry', or have we both just been very open very soon in to getting to know one another.

Do you genuinely enjoy spending time with him and want to see him again, or are you looking for the feedback from him, that he wants to see you again?

It's not about following rules. It's about reading the room. He has cooled off, and made it clear he's not interested. Some people turn themselves inside out trying to find a way to interpret non-interest as shyness or even liking you too much. It's highly unlikely to be either of those things, and if it is, he will certainly be back in touch soon.

The danger of pursuing a man who has shown he's not interested is that he then sees you as someone he can pick up when he hasnt got someone else on the go. You are no longer in potential relationship territory. Most women don't want to be in that situation, but they fool themselves that the guy getting in touch days or weeks after dropping them or ghosting them has finally mustered the courage or realisedhis true feelings, instead of seeing that you are just an option to him and he's messaging you because his other options have fallen through. And you have a track record of buying into his bullshit.

I have never been chased by a man, ever, not once. So this premise that a guy will always chase if he likes you really devalues women who have never had that.

So how have your relationships taken off once you've met? 50-50? 70-30 with you making the more contact?

Where I've chased, it's when there has been an unequal balance of interest and they have eventually backed out or not returned my enthusiasm. I stopped doing that when I was around 20 once I'd realised that men who are truly keen and see you as a keeper, make an effort.

@wrongthinker thinks right… - worth taking note, @Rosiecidar !!

I agree with @wrongthinker

Men are really very straightforward creatures.
If they want to see a woman they make the right noises and moves.

Women, on the other hand, try to 2nd guess behaviour, tie themselves into knots coming up with 'reasons' (pseudo psychology) why the man isn't showing up, what he might be thinking, feeling etc etc.

Men are goal-orientated. If they want a woman they will make the effort.

When you want a man, and he's not behaving as you'd like, it's very easy to convince yourself there are kinds of plausible reasons.

After two dates no one should be overthinking like this.

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime I would say I'm an instigator in all aspects of my life. So I will have initiated things more, but I don't see that as always being a bad thing and it doesn't mean that a man doesn't like you if they aren't chasing you.
Note I was with him for 16 years. And yes, it didn't pan out in the end but I don't pin that on me being the one who initiated our relationship at all.
My ex was not a type to chase anything that interested him. Not women, not jobs, not hobbies. He was a very sedate and non reactive man.

I think you have to be careful not to make excuses for them, if they don't reciprocate then they aren't interested so move on.
But if you are they type of person to ask these questions, then I don't feel you should shy away from being yourself. If they fancy you, then they won't have an issue with your direct nature.

No response is a response.

Go on holiday, enjoy it and just go with the flow.

I’ve done a lot of OLD. My advice is to forget him and move on. Here’s the thing, he would have arranged something, or he would be texting if he was interested. Keep your dignity.

@Freeflight I'd not be at all interested in a man like your ex. Thankfully he is an ex!

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime we had some happy times (and some amazing kids).
I'd still always be the type to ask a question and get my answer over questioning everything about the scenario.
Again, that's my personality type which means I won't likely be with someone who wants to be fully in control the same as I'd hate someone who wanted to "take care of me" and was too smooshy.
Internal vomit (but one of my best mates loves that sort of stuff)
The joy of the world, we are all different.

The opposite of chasing is not being with someone who's domineering.

Anyway we're getting sidetracked but hope you're happier now.

"Chasing" doesn't have to mean aggressively pursuing or wooing. It simply means showing that you're interested. If a man likes you, he will show that he likes you, by, for example, texting about those podcasts he mentioned, or arranging the next date.

It's not about enforcing rigid gender roles. Just noticing that men will show interest in women they are interested in. If he doesn't show interest, he's not interested.

There is therefore no need for you to show interest in him at this point or to ask questions of him or try to find out what he's feeling etc. All that will do is make him believe he has won you over and can pick you up and drop you whenever he pleases. He will know that you're interested in him even though he has shown you he is not interested in you, and will think this means you will be available for no-strings sex as clearly him not liking you hasn't stopped you, in his eyes, chasing him.

Of course not all men think that way. But those who are genuinely decent people do not make big plans and then drop you or ghost you. They let you know it's not working out for them and wish you well, so you know where you stand. Not doing that is not a sign that he really likes you but he's too shy or has trust issues or whatever. That's not how it works.

If you don't know where you stand with a man, it's highly likely that he has made his non-interest perfectly clear through a lack of communication, dropping out of plans, or otherwise being weird and evasive. Don't make excuses for people who do this. If he likes you, he will not act like he doesn't like you. (And if he does, then... well, that's a whole other kettle of dysfunction you don't want to get involved with.)

You have never been chased by a man ever? Nobody has ever shown an interest in you ever?
They all waited for you to make the move? How did you even know that they liked you?

I do actually think the majority of men are the same or very similar anyway!

I tend to read their body language, tone of their voice, eye contact etc. And then I'd ask them.
Im not a type of female that tends to get chased, but I don't intend to then sit in a corner and wait because apparently no one likes me if they aren't chasing me.
Sometimes you have to take a chance at life and see what happens. Win some, lose some. Some men will like it and some won't.
I just don't buy into the idea that all men are the same and I think if you want to know, just ask instead of second guessing yourself.

Isn’t this another good reason not to chase though?

Like, there’s a small chance he could like you but will be the kind of man that won’t ever make anything happen for himself…

I’m not sitting in a corner waiting for anyone either, I’m getting on and enjoying my life. If someone likes me they can make an effort, I’m not depriving them of that.

I find the vibe/energy I get from the person on the date on whether they’re interested or not is almost always accurate. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever been wrong. Intuition and gut feeling are powerful so if you genuinely got the feeling he was interested I’d send him a short, simple message (maybe about the podcast) or just ask him about his day or something and see what happens. If he sends short replies back and doesn’t ask you any questions then I’d leave it. Then delete his number and messages (I think it’s helpful sometimes to move on from it) then enjoy your holiday and try not to overthink it. If he’s no longer interested it might have nothing to do with you, people are flakey when they start dating and who knows what else he’s got going on. Definitely don’t send him anything heavy like you suggested in your OP

I just don't buy into the idea that all men are the same and I think if you want to know, just ask instead of second guessing yourself.

But not after 2 dates! There's a time and place to ask if you want something long term , or exclusive, and they aren't showing they want the same.

All men aren't the same in many respects, but all men are the same when it comes to 'winning' a woman. The sort who are lukewarm about that, or indeed life, aren't worth the effort.

If they're interested they will show it. If you have to do all the running, it could come across as being unbalanced with you being more invested - which is NOT a good place to be in a relationship. It's a recipe for feeling insecure.

@purpledaze24 OP has done all of that. She followed up their date, messaging him first, and got a rather lukewarm reply, no mention of meeting up again, no podcasts (whatever that was all about). Her gut reaction is he's lost interest so I think she's right.