Would you/should I ask this question...

[Rosiecidar]

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

She IS right, and if she persists now he might carry on because he has nobody else right now, but has no real interest in her and is just wasting her time.
He will get rid of her when a better offer comes along, or maybe not even have the courtesy of doing that since he can’t even send a text.
Absolutely no way would I do any running towards this man or any man.
It’s a huge mistake,

So I have been out with men I have met through friends and through them have heard why I haven't been asked out again;

• doesn't seem interested (when I was interested)
• Too busy a life to make time for me.

In OLD I think people who are new do want to see what's out there when they have first joined. And frankly you get less niggly as time goes on.
I am 57, if I looked like I did at 30 or 40 I would probably be shouting "next !". But the reality of it is that the pool of men is smaller for me. I know I look good for my age and I really look after myself but men 10 years older than me often don't and men my age date around 8 years younger. I know this because I have a lower profile age (I always tell them from the off - none object, how can they as I am the same age as them!). When I put my real age not only are most men pretty unattractive but they are looking for someone to share a retirement with not someone who goes out 3 x a week and works 10 hours a day...
I also know many male friends who have ended up with the woman who showed them interest and was keen and these are nice guys

Sorry to quote your whole post but it's easier as you've raised new issues.

First, your bullet points on feedback. Maybe take those with a large pinch of salt? Do you think those comments from men to your friends are honest? They sound like excuses to me. Are the men really going to be honest about you to your friends?

IF they are accurate, is what you're saying that you give off the wrong vibes- ie not interested when you are? There's a difference between your behaviour on date ,when you can show you like them , and 'chasing' when they appear to pull back.

For example with this man you started the thread about, when you said Good bye at the tube, it would be fine to say "I've had a lovely, day, call me/ message me if you fancy doing it again." So you'd clearly be saying you enjoyed it but putting the ball in his court.

When you thanked him afterwards by text that could be seen as polite but not very encouraging. You could have said 'Let's do it again sometime.'

The too busy to see them- no, that's an excuse. Maybe they feel threatened if you've got a good career? OR if you put them bottom of the list when it comes to seeing them. Do you?

I think you should focus on meeting men through activities like walking, sport, holidays, charity stuff, clubs for common interests.

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime now you mention it I didn't say "It would be nice to see you again" or similar or that it was a lovely day, I think I have in the past or maybe still step into the role of a restaurant reviewer " what a lovely restaurant, wonderful food"
I do think the comments from the men to my friends have a ring of truth.
So with this guy, I spoke to him on a Sunday but because of a mix of work and a dinner party I could only see him on Thursday lunchtime and then the date on Sunday as I had a drinks party, a lunch and a dinner and also a dinner after seeing him on Sunday and then was going on holiday (which is actually around a party that they are hosting) - so you probably have a point, obviously I do have quieter weeks.

Interesting.

Maybe you need to work on giving out more about your feelings 'in the moment' rather than after the date. You don't need to 'gush' but you could say something warm and encouraging that leaves the door open and the ball in their court.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to have a busy social life but if you're only able to offer someone the 'odd free slot' they are bound to wonder where in your life you would have time for them, longer term.

Again, maybe that's something to think about? If you're seriously looking for a partner, you have to create room in your life for that to happen. Not to the extreme you're sitting at home for 7 days a week waiting for Mr Right, but at least part of a weekend and one evening a week.

Honestly they all sounds like excuses. I think he lost interest full stop. I’ve dated extensively in the past and I give cold vibes apparently and still many men pursued and no I didn’t say “let’s do it again”. I actually used to shake hands at the end of 2nd-3rd date, very business like. I simply think he’s not interested no more no less

TBH the ‘not seeming interested on the date’ thing could ring true (but equally I might be projecting here).

Its definitely feedback I’ve had not only on dates but from friends who know my general style and also ChatGPT when I asked it to analyse some of my back and forth messages with men who went quiet before meeting.

How comfortable are you with giving compliments and being (to a small extent, it’s only the first dates after all…) vulnerable enough to say / show that you’re interested in someone on the date OP?

This is definitely an area I need to think about….

@Iamfree I have definitely done the same as you, shown no interest at all just being polite and leaving in about 40 minutes and got a message wanting to meet again. But I know from male friends in my age bracket that they want to have some interest show.
The last guy who really really chased me turned out to be bloody awful and chasing just represented winning a prize.

I don't think I gave any compliments at all other than in relation to something he had made. And on the first date when he suggested meeting I said "I would like that" but I think I showed some interest but I really can't remember it so obviously not a lot. I didn't say for example " yes send me those podcasts it would be a nice excuse to meet" more "oh those sound interesting"

@Rosiecidar I thought you said you had intimate chats about a potential future on the date? I’d say that’s you definitely showing interest! Gut feeling, in my experience, is the best indicator. If you’re getting a gut feeling that he’s not interested now you’re probably right. Easily solved by sending a quick, enthusiastic message about a funny thing that happens on your holiday or something and asking a couple of lighthearted questions about what he’s up to etc and see how he responds. Whenever I’ve been on a date that’s gone well I usually text back and forth with them casually at least once a day. Also for future OLD if you look younger and don’t want someone your own age maybe knock a few years off on your profile 🤣

This a 100% . Don’t text .. don’t chase .. it never ever ends well. Anytime someone is unsure there are a million excuses trotted out for why he hasn’t called/texted and the op sends a chaser and invariably they get shot down. If men are interested you will know .. zero confusion. I’d leave the ball in his court

@RosiecidarI am a bit younger than you but not much and I’ve had quite a few dates. I wouldn’t have wanted a man who needs “encouragement” or “compliments”. Go ahead and message him, my money is on him not being interested. And there’s nothing bad in this, sometimes interest just fades I’ve had the same and it’s one of those things. I used to multi date so didn’t have time to focus on one only. Let us know please!

There's a danger that you're always going to over-think these OLDs.
Maybe chill a bit? Was he so drop dead gorgeous and interesting that you feel you have to pursue him?

I think most people know after 2 dates if it's a 'go-er' or not.

If you really must make contact I'd do something very casual, like saying you were going to an exhibition/ film/ talk/concert/ gig and if he felt like joining you, let you know (and give a deadline so he doesn't pick you when he's short of other dates!)

On balance I agree with recent posters who say if a man's interested he will make it known. It's not as if he's 16 - he's a mature man.

But look at your own behaviour on dates maybe as well- do you come over as cold and formal?

@purpledaze24 I think OP said a few posts back that she says she's younger on dating sites.

I think the danger with sending messages about 'funny things that happen on your holiday etc' is that men are very 'literal' - will reply to the message and take it at face value, but it won't tell you if they are interested.

Years ago I once messaged a man I was interested in to ask if I'd dropped a piece of jewellery in his car ( I'd not but I wanted to see if that would initiate another date!) He replied very politely that it wasn't there and I never heard from him again.

I now cringe at my stupidity.

He's not interested.

He has made no attempt to make another date or even make conversation.

I honestly wasted so many years of my life doing this pointless thinking/ wondering - I read a book called 'he's just not that into you' it actually changed my life.

I will save you time now OP. delete this man he is not interested and at the very best you will get some pointless 'hanging on ' type interest as he might think it worth keeping you on a back burner.

ps absolutely cringeworthy that people suggest you say 'oi where are my podcast suggestions' - totally desperate and needy - he would have found a thousand excuses to keep the conversation going if he had been left excited by your date.

he didn't leave your date excited or keen on seeing you again - he is aware you might move on and date elsewhere and doesn't care or feel the need to ensure he sees you again.

I Honestly can tell you - your life will move faster in the right direction if you do not give men like this any more of your energy.

Yep, literally in the walk to the tube he was talking about meeting in future so I was really surprised with the polite message not suggesting anything.

So ..

• Mixed responses on whether to message again or not. Some saying don't chase, he's not interested. Others, everyone is different. Some saying what have you got to lose - I thought he was quite special and if there was any confusion, if he thought I wasn't interested etc then I would rather send a message which he can ignore or respond to and will see how I feel when I am back.
• Re my own behaviour ..I have never been described as cold but I can sometimes hold things in on dates, so not actually match energy so that's something I need to work on. Someone in this thread mentioned showing my intention after the date rather than on it which I think is accurate.

I feel this message has a lot of truth to it and it is something I need to think about.

@Rosiecidar I'm glad you found something helpful in my post.

I'd caution you against contacting him where you either suggest meeting, sending a message etc UNLESS you can cope with the outcome (ghosted, excuses etc.)

If you feel you really HAVE to have closure or another date, I'd send him a brief text when you're back from holiday NOT suggesting dinner, (too heavy) but meeting somewhere for a coffee or to see an exhibition .something you might do yourself.

Of course if he says he's busy you're back to square one not knowing if that's genuine or he's not interested.

I'm sure it's hard but you sound very invested after 2 dates and that's not a good place to be in.

Okay OP. Message him and let him know you're interested. If it turns out that he's really into you and was waiting for your message, I will take back all my comments! But I suspect that what will happen is that he'll either not respond at all, or respond with some bland holding message which gets you no further forward, or he arranges a date which he then doesn't turn up for, or tries to turn into a hook up.

You need to change your mindset. You are acting like there's a scarcity of men and so you have to make all sorts of compromise and chase after one who clearly doesn't want you. That's not the case. You could date a different man every night. But if you're going to fall for their nonsense then you will never have space for an actually nice, interested man to come along.

Matthew Hussey is a brilliant dating coach. I recommend looking up his videos on YouTube and following his advice.

Try dating at 57.. there's certainly not loads of men out there. There's quite a few threads about the scarcity of men in their 50s.

OP, sorry I’ll comment again. Do you LOVE yourself ? I honestly think I’m the best thing on Earth. I’m smart, pretty, slim, very very well educated, incredibly funny in 4 languages, have a great job with big salary, I can fit in with the highest aristocracy and with the more modest people and I feel at ease with everyone. Any man who has ever managed to have a date with me has been a lucky man. They would need to make an effort to see me. I had two tricks when I was dating 1. Multi date so you don’t have time to focus on one man only and 2. Delete their phone numbers (basically don’t save it and delete every message after you’ve read it so you’re not tempted to contact that). My dates were with men 50+, I made sure they were divorced and having their own place and I had a good list of requirements. You could use this guy to test the theory - message him and as another poster said he’ll have a non committal reply (or not reply at all) or will say “yes let’s fix a date” and cancel at the last minute. Best case scenario he’ll be a FB while searching for someone to fall in love with. Do this experiment, learn from it and move on. The next one might be the right one and you’re just wasting precious time now !

I'm like two years younger than you! So what, you just want any man who will have you? Go the opposite way - raise your standards. Be picky. Yes, you will probably have fewer second dates, but at least the men you do date will be actually worth bothering with.

Seriously, Matthew Hussey is great. Check him out. You'll learn how to turn this all around.

There’s that famous scene from ‘When Harry Met Sally’…

I'd keep dating but without investing too much emotional energy.

And get a cat. Cats, even though they are entirely self-centered, may end up giving you more than a selfish boyfriend.