Would you/should I ask this question...

[Rosiecidar]

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

And you do you too. Lies are lies - anyone who can lie about something as basic as their age and then try and justify it isn’t someone I’d want to be involved with.

I disagree. I’ve got a lot of friends who do OLD and they all say men lying about age is a dealbreaker. Who wants to date someone who can’t be honest and upfront? Just because there’s ’worse things to lie about’ isn’t justification for dishonesty.

What about someone who claims to be 6 ft but is actually 5’9 - should we let that lie go as well?

Maybe others aren’t 100% honest when they’re looking to date but those of us who are shouldn’t be expected to accept others who aren’t as honest.

And again it’s not the age/height that’s the issue it’s the dishonesty.

I met a man who said he was 54 and 5’11 - he was actually 59 and 5’8. Had he told me the truth upfront I’d have still met him but the fact he lied meant no second date.

My personal take is it's not a big deal. You sound very intransigent. That's fine. My take on it is it opens the pool and is not a very important 'lie' if you tell the truth on Date 1. Because the fact is that many people will just not find you if you aren't in their 'perfect' age range. As borne out by the fact I know couples with a 25 year age gap- each way!

As I said, I think the criteria for OLD should exclude age simply because it pigeon holes people and people DO lie in order to get past that.

Anyway it's not really the point of this thread.

Maybe his tape measure was inaccurate or he'd shrunk 😂

Did you measure him the moment you met?

My take on it is it opens the pool and is not a very important 'lie' if you tell the truth on Date 1. Because the fact is that many people will just not find you if you aren't in their 'perfect' age range.

That's fine.

For some of us, honesty is important.

If I am on OLD I am happy not to be 'found' by people who will lie, even if it doesn't seem important to others. To me, meeting them would be a waste of time and emotional energy.

@bluegreygreen I hope you won't have to be on OLD, but it's a lot to do with filters. So people will filter out age groups because of their expectations about how a person looks because of their age. I lie about my age on OLD but in real life if I am asked I never lie, there's no point, they can see how I am.
To be honest it's never been an issue when I have explained it to men, they don't care. What I have noticed is women seem to be more annoyed that I lie on my profile and I think it's because I "am fishing in their pool"

Hope you enjoy your holiday - fun starts tomorrow! I would go on break, enjoy myself, then see how I feel about it all once I am back. You never know, you could meet the Dairy Milk Man on your holiday!

If you still want to pursue it once you are back then there’s nothing wrong with you texting to say something along the lines of: “Back from X, had a brilliant time, hope you had a good few days. Fancy dinner/drinks in the week?”

100% - if I go on a date and the man admits he’s been economical with the truth be it age, height, out of date photos whatever - I’m cutting it short and going home

It’s a waste of both people’s time. And I’m shocked how easily people justify lying and ridicule honesty.

Sorry Milk Tray Man! 😂 DYAC!

Couldn’t agree more - happened to me a couple
of times. Someone shaved a decade off their age and someone else said they lived in my area but were there with work and lived 200 miles away…

Both said something along the lines of: “Well you never would have agreed if I told the truth…”

My response?

1. You don’t know me well enough to know my preferences or my red lines
2. Too late now anyway because you’re a liar

Thank you so much @Arlanymor . I love that detailed correction !❤

You probably wondered what I was wittering on about! Sorry I have a new phone and it enjoys tripping me up a bit by trying to pre-empt me a little too much. Have a great holiday! Hope the weather is good to you and that you have tons of fun!

So @Rosiecidar - what have you decided to do?

I think all these replies are massively overthinking everything…all over one simple text message! It’s really not the end of the world to send a quick message and gauge his response (or lack of one). So what if it’s seen as chasing. It’s not like your dignity and self-worth is going to be shattered if he doesn’t reply or sends a cold reply. If it is then OLD probably isn’t for you. Just send a text, not too heavy, if you really want to be sure and done with it just ask him if he fancies another drink one day next week, then you’ll know for definite if he’s interested or not. If he makes an excuse or says he’s busy but doesn’t offer a firm alternative date then he’s not interested. Delete. Move on. Yeah it might feel a bit shitty but OLD is flakey and it’s better to just accept that that’s the nature of it than be left wondering etc etc. then move onto the next one!

Re lying about your age on your profile. Personally I don’t really know how I feel about this but I find it interesting that so many people have no problem with it when it’s a woman doing it but I imagine the response if a woman came on here and said she’d met a man OLD who’d knocked 7 years off his age would be very different. Probably along the lines of “he can’t be trusted”, “GIANT red flag”, “delete, block report” etc 🤣🤣

I, personally, do not have an issue with age and reducing it online. People age very differently.

In RL if you met someone at a party, you'd never ask them upfront how old they were. It would be based on their personality, interests, chemistry.

IMO opinion ( and I know a couple of posters here will violently disagree) the fault lies with the OLD website/ construction where you have to reveal your age.
As OP said, it's a filtering system, but if you're not typical for your age, you will resent being in that 'bracket'.

I think there is a potential issue re. children - ie if a man really wants children, he does need to choose a woman who is still able to have them, but for older OLDs that's not relevant.

Are you back from your hols @Rosiecidar and have you heard from him or contacted him?

She's said in an earlier post that she's not back until tomorrow.

Hello. Update.
So. I got back yesterday. He messaged this evening to say loved meeting me but thought we both probably felt that we didn't feel we had the making of an epic love story, possibly keep in touch. Wished me well. A very kind respectful message. So that's it really. I think I need to think why in my head I thought there was chemistry and why there wasn't for him.

Thanks for the update and hope you find someone who ticks all the boxes.

I think he was 'being tactful' suggesting neither of you thought it was going anywhere long term, rather than simply saying he didn't think it would.

It's perfectly normal for one side to think there is chemistry but the other doesn't. I'd not over think it.

To give him his dues, he did make contact first and didn't mess you about with more dates.

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime thank you. The message is 8 days after the date although he might have thought about not wanting to hurt my feelings before I went away... Someone on IG said the date/meeting is the relationship and don't create a false relationship by sending photos and messages around the initial dates. I know lots of people on here are going to say you need to have a thick skin for OLD, so true, but it's hard to not feel very disappointed when you have a second date, have been messaging every day and on the second date suggestions are made about the future.
I think I will listen to Matthew Hussy as some have suggested, and I think I need to show when I am interested on the date not in a follow up (someone mentioned that above).

Sorry.

TBH (and I know things have changed since I dated) I'd be wary of constant messages after 2 dates. It does show an emotional investment but it can also mean the person feels it's expected of them. In the olden days you simply had to wait for a phone call - or not.
I'm still waiting for one from 50 years ago. Dropped me at the bus stop and said he'd call me.

It was me who suggested you're warmer and more interested on the date, not afterwards.

@HerNotIndoorsAlltheTime It's interesting there's another thread all about dates and it seems the norm now is to have messages via an app have a phone call if a date is arranged to message most days before the first date and then do more messages before the second date - so it can feel over invested but some might like that, being honest I don't as I want to see a person and build through meetings.
Thank you for your earlier advice.

The risk with constant messaging is it suggests emotional investment and it creates false intimacy far beyond what the reality is, whereas for some people it's just harmless flirting, an ego boost and a way of filling time TBH!

As someone in my 30s who’s been doing a lot of OLD recently, I can tell you it’s pretty much expected to be messaging back and forth at least once a day, if not multiple times a day, from when you first decide there’s a mutual connection there after 2 or 3 messages on the app. I usually then switch to WhatsApp. I think there’s pros and cons to this - it’s good to get an idea if you’ll click with the person before investing time and energy going on a date. But while you might get an idea if you’ll click or not through messaging, you don’t know if there’s going to be a spark there romantically. You have to meet for that, and as a PP pointed out, it does create a false sense of intimacy. Then you build this amazing picture of them in your head and you meet them and you don’t fancy them. And it’s far more disappointing than if you hadn’t invested all that energy into chatting. I find the expectation (among my age group anyway) frustrating because if you don’t message them at least once a day (even before you’ve met) it’s seen as you not being interested or you have to make an excuse. It’s just not socially acceptable to say that you’d rather not (potentially) waste time chatting to them before you meet cos you don’t know if it’s going to go anywhere yet