Would you/should I ask this question...

[Rosiecidar]

So, am mid 50s, met a man OLD roughly same age really had a great first date and he invited me on a second during the first date. Met him for lunch today and a walk so about 4ish hours, kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't. I feel a bit blown off and can't put my finger on what sort of changed in a few minutes... Would you ask/should I ask ...." I don't want to have any regrets, so I am going to be bold and say I really like you and felt that we clicked...but I sort read a "thanks but no thanks " into our farewell, I hope that I am wrong because I would like to see if we can have the lovely relationship that we are both looking for.." Or alternatively just say "would you like to come to dinner and discuss the podcast that you mentioned?"

Go on your holiday, send him a photo of yourself looking great and see if he replies. Just a light hearted ‘having a great time’ sort of message, not loads of messages

@Twelftytwo I definitely got the sense that he's not someone who has found it hard to meet someone OLD and has had that flurry of interest!

and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days

My first thought was he took that as a brush off from you. If you are really interested in him don’t wait for a date to be suggested or suggest a date without an actual day, just message and say I’m back from holiday on X date are you free on X at Xoclock. If he wants to he will or if he’s busy he may suggest another time

I don't get this "wait for him to chase you" idea.
If you are interested then ask him on the next date. If a man likes you, he equally won't be put off by you being forward, he'll probably quite fancy it.
I'd remain casual about it myself. No chat about how you felt a connection for something more and got vibes he wasn't planning another date. Its still only date 2.
Just a solid "shall we go for drinks when I'm back from holiday, id like to see you again"

But above all, be yourself. There's no need to be something you aren't or to play games waiting certain times to message or drip feeding to keep them interested. Be unapologetically you.
The right person will absolutely love what you are offering.

He's not found it hard to meet someone.

And he's NOT had a flurry of interest? Or he's had a lot of interest?

Your post is a tiny bit confusing.

How would you know either from a date? Did he discuss his OLD history?

I don't get this "wait for him to chase you" idea.

It' s wired into men's brains that they enjoy a chase.

I fully get women don't need to 'wait to be asked' in 2025 BUT if you read anything to do with psychology and the differences between the sexes, men do enjoy a chase. If they want a woman they will walk over broken glass.

IN this case, the OP felt he was pulling back at the end of the evening and didn't make any firm commitment to see her again.

She told him when she'd be away, we assume he's logged that, so she ought to wait and see.

The biggest issue is that after 2 dates, she's already decided he's relationship material. That's moving far too fast!

You can't know anyone well @Rosiecidar after 2 dates when they are going to be on their best behaviour.

It sounds like you haven’t massively given any signals that you want to see him again. I think he’s politely putting the ball in your court to let him know if you’re interested. Saying you’re off on holiday and you not arranging something for when you get back sounds like you’re trying to let him down easily. Don’t be weird about it. Just message and say you’re back from holiday on Wednesday, would he like to meet for dinner on Friday?

kept on alluding to "next time" during the lunch and during the walk. Then as we get to the tube we hug etc and he just says see you soon, and I mention I am going on holiday in a few days but he doesn't suggest fixing a date. I send a message thanking him for the lunch he sends one back saying thanks for coming to the lunch and the walk and says have a nice evening. He had mentioned on the walk sending me the name of some podcasts when he reached home but didn't.

Are posters actually reading and understanding this? ^^

'See you soon' is what a LOT of people say when, being honest, they have no intention of doing so. It's the same as 'we must do lunch' and you each know it'll never happen!

She says she's going away [not for very long] but he doesn't pickup on that and say he'll call when she's back.

SHE sends a message when she gets home saying she's had a lovely time so it's very clear she'd like to see him again [note- he doesn't contact her first.]

He responds politely.

He'd said he would send some podcasts when he got home. He doesn't and hasn't.

Honestly, if it's not clear he's a bit lukewarm or even pulled back, what other evidence do you need?

Is it too fast ? People have sex after 3/4 dates so I don't think it's too fast after spending hours and hours talking about very personal, life love, work, what you're looking for, whether you think there's a prospect of a relationship ?

@mindutopia The OP messaged him first after the date to say she'd had a lovely time. He didn't message her first. He didn't suggest another date when he got that message- just a polite 'thanks for coming today'.

Does that not tell you something?

You're coming over as too keen. Having sex after 3-4 dates doesn't mean it's 'relationship' for life- it just means they have sex!

I don't know what your experience is of OLD or how long you've been single .
BUT it's far too soon to be eyeing him up as long term relationship.
Have you seen his home? Met his friends? Met his family?

You don't know this man. You might like what you've seen so far, but it's way too soon to be telling him you're in it for the long haul with him.

In his shoes I'd run for the hills because it IS too soon and makes you sound a bit flaky TBH.

So this is how I am reading it. I don't really understand though how all through the date it's about meeting up again and talking about the podcasts and then the rather damp response.
But the point I am making is do I just nail my colours to the mast at some point and suggest meeting again because I know plenty of women who have done this...and it's worked.

But the point I am making is do I just nail my colours to the mast at some point and suggest meeting again because I know plenty of women who have done this...and it's worked.

No. Because you risk getting no reply, blocked, a string of excuses where he doesn't tell the truth and you're no further on, or 'whatever are you thinking of my dear, we've met twice'.

If he wants to see you he's got your contact info.

Keep busy, enjoy your hols, put him out of your mind.

Being really, really blunt, he may have had 2nd thoughts about you during the day and not wanted to end it abruptly by saying he'd had a nice day but didn't want to take it further.

ALSO many people doing OLD are seeing several people at once or in succession. Of course he won't tell you that, but each of you are free to date other people and you don't know where you stand in this.
He may have dates lined up or he may have had dates before your walk .

I'm older than you. It's along tie since I dated BUT I have friends who do.
It's very common to say 'I'll call you' or 'Lets do it again' and then be ghosted. This is because a lot of people are afraid to be honest face to face.

In fact 40 years ago a man dropped me off at a bus stop and said 'I'll call you' (after our 2nd date) and I'm still waiting!

@Rosiecidar when he was “alluding “ to next time what did you say ? Or were you quiet ?
It sounds like he was very up front on both dates.
What was your communication like ?
Did you take him up on any of it. Or were you waiting for him to chase it up again

Read her posts.

She messaged him after the date and gave a clear sense of wanting to see him again.

Don’t message again!
You will come across as needy.

@Rosiecidar I think it would be fine, say tomorrow, to say something like “I get back from my trip on Monday and it would be lovely to see you again. Assuming you’d like to, are you free on (insert date)?” If he says yes or suggests alternatives, you can message about podcasts etc. If you think that’s a bit too much, you could just ask about him sending the podcast info and, if it feels right, drop in a suggestion for a date on your return. I wouldn’t over-think the lovely relationship stuff at this stage.

I’ve read her posts . Thanks

You set the tone of the relationship in the early days. If you chase now, you will always be chasing, and given the nature of a patriarchal society that is a power imbalance too far IMO.

But by all means, if you want to be the one doing the majority of the romantic 'work' in the relationship, send a text.

Personally I'd get on with enjoying my week/holiday. Some people just 'give good date' and are less interested than they seem in the moment (to my shame, I can be one of them if I am not careful). Some men are lazy and only want a woman who will do all the work. and this will tend to be the case in all areas of life. I don't want to be involved with either of those types, but you do you.

Ok. Well, in my mind, she messaged him first after the date to say thanks etc. Ideally, he should have done that first if he was keen. OR even basic good manners.

He replied- with a thanks. He had the chance then to suggest another date.
He also hasn't sent some podcasts or links, etc.

I cringe when I think of the 'reasons' I used to contact men after a date in the hope they'd jump and ask to see me again. It never ever worked and I ended up feeling stupid and rejected.

Men will always make the effort if they want to see you. They're hard wired that way. They don't need prompting.

If they're too 'shy' or lack confidence to ask, would you want to be with that kind of man anyway?

So here's the messages..
Me -Thanks very much for lunch X, I ended up going to dinner with the family that I mentioned almost straight away as they ate early..
Him- A good day for food! It was good to spend time with you, thanks for coming out to lunch and the walk. Hope you have a fun evening!
Me - am a bit tired * but the family are lovely, have a good evening too x

*I had said I was recovering from a cold and was a bit tired...

To be honest I feel quite rejected now - it felt as though he had shared quite a lot with me was planning more times to meet up and then blew cold

@Rosiecidar Final post- and sorry to hog your thread. I'll shut up after this unless you want more of it!

Maybe try to change your mindset on this one?
No idea of your relationship history or how long you've been OLD.

Men and women think and behave differently. This man won't be talking online or even to his mates, agonising over whether Rosie likes him and if he should contact her.

Men are driven by testosterone and if they want a woman they will make the effort. They don't spend days mulling stuff over. They act.

You need to start rating yourself higher and believe any man who ends up with you is bloody lucky! tell yourself you're a Goddess to be won! Not scrabbling around in your mind wondering if he wants another date.

I do accept there is a middle way where, for example, this man could have said to you 'Message me when you're back if you fancy lunch' - so the ball is in your court. That's him sending out a clear message but leaving room for you to ignore it.

I agree with a PP who said that the early days set the scene and pace. If you chase you'll always feel insecure- not a good place to be.

x-d posts. Sorry :(

Are you new to OLD after a long relationship?
It sounds as if you need to grow a thicker skin.

People always say this but it’s not always the case.

One of my best friends is a man, in his mid-40s. He has NEVER chased a woman, or even asked one out. He admits he just doesn’t have it in him and prefers the woman to do all the running.

He’s done alright - been engaged three times and had several other relationships. Unfortunately his relationships all fell apart for the same reason which I won’t bore you all with. Just wanted to point out that not ALL men will do the chasing.