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Original poster

How do I tell a man I want sex?

190 replies

Hmmmwhatshallipostabout · 02/08/2025 18:36

I have met a guy online. Exchanged pictures of each other last week. We both feel something for each other and yesterday met up irl. It was a fantastic date, we got on so well. But at the end of the night he didn’t invite me back to his hotel room. I would definitely have gone back with him had he invited me but instead he took me to my station for me to catch the tube back home!

How do I now tell him for our next date I want to rip his clothes off and have mind blowing sex?
he never steers the conversation in flirty or dangerous territory so I feel it’s upon me to do so.

this is the first man I have spoken to since my separation from husband a year ago so I know alot of it has to do with that.

any helpful hints from you all in this predicament of mine are greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
OliviaBonas · 02/08/2025 23:01

If a second date opportunity arises just message something like ‘you’re welcome to stay over at mine afterwards this time if you fancy potentially entering into a casual FWB arrangement with me…’

It’s fine to want what you want as long as everyone is clear and honest at all times so both parties know where they stand and no one gets hurt.

nameobsessed · 02/08/2025 23:34

dylexicdementor11 · 02/08/2025 18:40

Could you just tell him? Wanting to have sex and expressing that desire is a good thing to do and having a conversation about sex before you have it is even better.
You could say: “I fancy the pants off of you. Shall we have a chat about STIs and safer sex before our next date?”

I know that this is the right way to go about it but I would struggle not to laugh if someone actually said this to me and would probably not want to sleep with them. It’s still right though, should be normalised so less people feel like me about it.

I have only slept with one person who has only ever slept with me so I’m not being risky or anything.

eone · 02/08/2025 23:42

whatstheproblemguys · 02/08/2025 18:59

Maybe he’s trying to be a gentleman and doesn’t want to scare you off 🤔 you could always ask what his rules are for sex when he meets someone new?

I came over to say this. My DP had a rule of sex after the 3rd date. We eventually had sex later, and our sex life is brilliant a few years down the line.
All initiated by him and yes, I could have had all time I needed, if I wanted to delay it. He wouldn't pressure me to do anything.
If I had to initiate sex I wouldn't feel wanted and it wouldn't work for me. If it took him too long I would lose the interest in dating him. Equally, if he wanted sex after the first or second date I would think he is looking for a hook up only and I would ditch him.
Op, ask him what's his sex etiquette to see how he feels.

eone · 02/08/2025 23:48

Hmmmwhatshallipostabout · 02/08/2025 21:33

He’s divorced with 2 children. Im divorced and no children.

our online conversations have never been flirty or sexual, its purely been a getting to know each other and general chit chat. Our vibe online and in person was/is very relaxed and easy going. We’ve both said we could go on talking to each other for hours.

It doesn't look like there is any chemistry between you two. I would be v careful if I was you, it's not a good sign.

4forksache · 02/08/2025 23:49

He might be intimidated by you if it thinks nerd out of your league . Go in gently or you’ll frighten him off.

Original poster
Hmmmwhatshallipostabout · 02/08/2025 23:51

Aaagghhh! I’ve just sent him a msg saying how much I enjoyed yesterday and would love to do it again!
so much for me waiting until Monday!

OP posts:
teenmaw · 02/08/2025 23:54

Nothing worse, sometimes think hookup sites would be better for no strings!

Pbjsand · 02/08/2025 23:57

You say you’re not looking for a long term relationship, but it sounds like he is, which may explain the different timelines on having sex. Please let him know what you’re looking for so you don’t lead him on, and that will have the added effect of moving things along physically if he’s onboard.

Teenytwo · 03/08/2025 00:17

Maybe in your next response if he says about coming to you again just say something along the lines of “I’m happy for you to stay at mine rather than a hotel if you would like that” then when he gets there whip your clothes off and work your magic

GarlicLitre · 03/08/2025 00:47

Gymbunny2025 · 02/08/2025 20:48

I’d be a little 🤨 about that.

Show quote history

Me, too. It's a little weird.

Back to your issue, OP - I always found simple questions such as "Can I kiss you?" and "Would you like to have sex with me?" worked well. Can't see why you'd complicate things.

Given his reticence and apparent gratitude, I think I'd recommend keeping him separate from your personal life if you do progress. He might be overly keen, shall we say.

underthebridge999 · 03/08/2025 02:16

Were your online photos different to what you present like in real life?

WhatTheFuk · 03/08/2025 02:43

Teenytwo · 03/08/2025 00:17

Maybe in your next response if he says about coming to you again just say something along the lines of “I’m happy for you to stay at mine rather than a hotel if you would like that” then when he gets there whip your clothes off and work your magic

Don’t do this. You don’t know this bloke. As well as safety considerations, give yourself an opportunity to leave for any reason.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 03/08/2025 02:53

I said "do you want to go to bed", cos I did! He did. Meant to be a ONS, married 23 years....

Kibble19 · 03/08/2025 03:03

I think the lack of contract from him today is really telling, sorry OP.

I understand people are busy but nobody’s too busy in real life, not if they don’t want to be. Even if he was travelling, there’s always time to get in touch.

PepsiMaxCherryAddict · 03/08/2025 04:07

Sorry OP, I think you’re coming across a bit too full on and desperate (for want of a better word) here. I know it’s all about personal preferences with regards to flirting and sex etc, but it would scare me off if a man came across to me like you’re coming across here, and that’s because I’m more of a slow burn type of person. It seems like this man is also like that.

Not every person, man or woman, wants to immediately go to bed with someone they barely know and if your messages leading up to the date weren’t even lightly flirtatious then I would think that this man is really just trying to get to know you for who you are to see if there’s any emotional/ personal compatibility there for a potential serious relationship, rather than focussing on what you’re like between the sheets.

He clearly saw potential from your chats prior to meeting if he went out of his way to travel that far and book accommodation, but I’d say if he hasn’t contacted you since the date then he probably senses that you want different things out of dating and I wouldn’t get your hopes up or chase him as that will come off worse on you.

Itsasecretnow · 03/08/2025 04:53

Hmmmwhatshallipostabout · 02/08/2025 23:51

Aaagghhh! I’ve just sent him a msg saying how much I enjoyed yesterday and would love to do it again!
so much for me waiting until Monday!

I don’t see anything wrong at all in texting him first. I think I’d have likely just fired off a text at some point saying “hope you got back home ok” sort of thing. I don’t really see the point in waiting around to see if they’d text first. The way some women are adamant that it has to be the man texting first, just seems like a bit of game playing (although I appreciate it isn’t always). But if you want to see them again, especially if you’re quite sure you’re not going to be wanting a full on relationship and just want a bit of fun then I think it’s even more reason to text first and not wait. At least this way you’ll find out sooner if he’s likely into you and fancies you. Absolutely nothing to be worried about by texting him! If it doesn’t work out or no second date comes from it then onwards and upwards (and possibly also inwards!) to the next one! I can’t imagine you’ll find it too difficult to find a man on the same wavelength as you re sex, esp in a more casual way for now.
good luck and just don’t worry about any of this nonsense if waiting for them to text you first. At least now you’ll get an idea or not if he at least wants a 2nd date.
although, and full disclosure here, I’ve just come from the “do ladybirds have penises?” thread and may be just a bit off sex right now, so maybe steer clear of that thread this weekend 😂 only joking (sort of ), it’s actually rather amusing!

(eta: he’s not a barnacle is he? If he’s from the coast…? Cos you’re in for a treat if he is 🤣)

gillefc82 · 03/08/2025 05:21

Sodthesystem · 02/08/2025 20:31

Bit of a cheeky leap there.

It's just facts that most one night stands aren't going to be particularly good. It takes time to get to know people's bodies, what they like, what works for them. Not to mention you may find he isn't interested in taking any instruction. If it's a one off fling then he may not give a shit about your pleasure.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree. I had a year in my late teens/early 20s where I had a few ONS, after I’d broke up with my first proper boyfriend (an abusive, controlling arsehole) and before I began the next LTR.

I genuinely can’t think of one that I truly enjoyed. Half of them didn’t know what they were doing and the other half were purely focused on their own pleasure. Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure I didn’t orgasm even once from any of the encounters.

@Hmmmwhatshallipostabout I’d suggest starting to turn the messages a little more flirty and then for the next date suggest you visit him in Bournemouth and ask him if you should book a hotel room or just stay the night at his instead??

daisychain01 · 03/08/2025 05:42

Hmmmwhatshallipostabout · 02/08/2025 18:43

Well that’s just it, he lives near Bournemouth and me London so he made the effort. We spent the whole day together but at the end it just fell flat.

Show quote history

Maybe he's just not that into you.

Newbutoldfather · 03/08/2025 05:44

He’s a human being and isn’t going to work to your timeline in a relationship (of any nature).

You sound like you are just into his penis, rather than him, and, I know this may surprise some of you on here who think men are one dimensional, most also want to be liked as a person and not just a sex object (even in a FWB scenario).

Also, if he is looking for more than sex, he may feel that appearing too keen too early may put you off! Or he may feel bad about dumping you after sex and wants some time to process the date and to really know if he wants to see you again.

Why don’t you just enjoy a few dates and see what happens? If it hasn’t gone where you want after 3 or 4 dates, then maybe push it along or dump him (depending on the vibes).

Zanatdy · 03/08/2025 06:01

He was probably trying to be respectful, so yes, let him know next time that you’re up for going back to him hotel. Hopefully he responds to your message.

Cucy · 03/08/2025 06:46

Most women are on dating sites looking for relationships and a man talking about sex or inviting them back to theirs etc on the first date would be a big red flag and the women wouldn’t contact them again.
So he’s just being respectful.

My biggest advice for my male friends is to not come on too strong and not mention anything sexual.

I would just be completely honest with him.

Ask if he’d like to meet again and then say how you’re just looking for a friends with benefits situation and how does he feel about it.

If he’s up for it, then suggest the next date be at a hotel.

Y2ker · 03/08/2025 07:02

Hi OP,
A few things....

Have you had a conversation about what you both want from this as you've said you're open to a friends with sex situation- is he or is he after something more serious/committed. I can why he would want a bit of thinking time in that case.

In your shoes, I think a really up front phone conversation is needed before you meet again.

Gymbunny2025 · 03/08/2025 07:10

Have you heard back from him OP? Is he definitely aware that you are looking for a casual FWB not a relationship? You really need to tell him before he travels to you again!

also I’m intrigued why you couldn’t find NSA sex/FWB in the whole of London?!

Wishimaywishimight · 03/08/2025 07:24

He's not flirty, didn't try and kiss you, mentioned seeing you (polite) again but has already said he's "got a lot on" (so don't expect to see him again anytime soon).

He doesn't sound interested to me. I would keep looking!

legolegoeverywhereandnotadroptodrink · 03/08/2025 07:34

Invite him
to stay at your house to save on hotel bill