Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

[ConcernedAndConfused94]

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

That makes me think he sees you not as a partner but as a pet. You're a project, you amuse him (but not in a good way). I hate to say it but I fear that one day he'll decide you don't amuse him any more, he's got fed up with his project, and moves on to someone he sees as being more in keeping with 'status'.

It's an issue.

I knew you'd follow up explaining the class difference between you, even before you did. I've never met you, read this one post, and knew it immediately.

I think you're right - he likes the idea of you, but not the reality. He is ashamed to be with someone of a lower class than him, and that's why his lies were built around that. He was trying to make you more acceptable to his friends and family - which means he thinks you're something to be ashamed of. You deserve a hundred times better than that, and he shouldn't have to be told.

I'm so sorry, OP. But my honest opinion is that he's slumming it with you because he thinks you're exciting and different, and he's Mr Wonderful for being able to see past your background. But he will get bored of that. When it's time to settle down, he'll leave you for someone who fits in better with the dinner party crowd. If you're hoping for a future with him, don't. It won't happen.

Don't let him waste any more of your time. Get out now, and find a man who never makes you wonder if he's ashamed of you.

Yes it would bother me. I dumped someone once because he appeared embarrassed to tell a friend of his that politely asked what I did that I was " just a cleaner". Prick.

The circles I used to move in were full of bullshitters, myself included. It was normal not to take everything said in general chitchat as gospel (I'd say it's the case in every circle, but that would be a different thread). But some people lie spectacularly, about everything. I have no interest in why they do it, I'm not their psychiatrist.

When people know a compulsive liar quite well as a friend, they neither believe nor disbelieve anything they say. They just take it as it comes, avoid lending them money and would warn their loved ones off getting involved with them. You tend to find, though, that compulsive liars have wide social circles of superficial friendships. These people don't know the sheer extent of the bullshit - and don't believe you if you try to tell them. They find out if & when they, or someone they care about, get stung.

Lying about who your girlfriend is isn't random social bullshit, it's a deep and spectacular lie. You already understand how insulting this is to you as a person, @ConcernedAndConfused94. What you seem not to have grasped (yet) is that it tells you everything about his disregard for facts. This isn't something you can sort out with a meaningful conversation, it's a fundamental part of his character.

Up to you whether you choose to be like those others who think they know better than those saying "watch out" ...

Massive red flag. He wants someone he thinks of as lower status and maybe more vulnerable than him in private, but in public he's embarrassed about you.

Firstly the advice here is en pointe. This is off this is a major red flag run dont walk. What does your partner do? Not that it matters am nosey. Tho your job is a great job and a stressful one. He is embarassed and had no reason and story time - so I have a degree does not matter who cares my ex of 8 years started lying on nights out about having a degree and a Masters too.

Silly as he left school worked his way up to chairman level though this went much deeper. Tho he was a wanna be snob and ended up in years of hell and this was the red flag I always remember. He is a weirdo!

A liar doesn’t just lie to one person. It’s not situational. It’s endemic. If he’s lying to other people, he’s lying to you. Big lies, little lies, makes no difference. A liar is not someone you want to be spending your life with. Run don’t walk. And in case this isn’t clear - yes this is a huge red flag and I’m not even addressing the issue of what he’s lying about and why he might be doing it. So please, leave.

You deserve to be your authentic self. There's nothing like living a lie that messes us up quite so much. He's just created a whole new past for you. Are you meant to keep it going every time you see this group? Surely, if this relationship is long term, you'd get caught out?

Frankly, he's shown that he's not good enough for you by showing he cares about class and status. Gross. Gives me the ick. He should be showing you off for who you are. Being a TA is a lovely, meaningful job - a job in finance, although potentially important and well paid, is not 'better'.

@SnoopyPajamas My workplace is very much like this. In fact, I would say about 60 % of people where I work are privately educated, and there is nothing special about their job that would require a different type of education so I'd say it's a very conscious hiring choice. It's filled with people who mention Lacrosse, Cambridge Choir, and international schooling in their LinkedIns, and holiday homes, skiing and going on safari are completely normal chat for them. They make people redundant then hire people very high up with ambiguous job titles who seem to always land very well on their feet, from company to company. I'm from a totally different world.

They're also very woke, very into supporting refugees, political signalling, and having never experienced or been close to anyone who's suffered longterm financial hardship in the U.K, it's beyond their tiny brains and empathy levels to imagine why anyone would have different to them.

Listen to the voice of experience and run!! I met exdh when I was a law student 40 years ago. As soon as I graduated I moved abroad to be with him. He insisted on telling people I was a lawyer. I thought at first that I was confused as it was not my native language and pushed it under the carpet. We got married, had dc, moved back to UK and we went to a work party. He was very high up in the company and he was telling people I was a lawyer. He even had one of his employees give me their divorce papers to 'check' they were okay! Of course I told him that I wasn't qualified to do that. Then he started embellishing dc's achievements .... I realised then that it was easy to tell if he was lying - his mouth was moving!

He’s a liar. That alone is grounds to dump him. The final straw is that he seems to be ashamed of your background and career. LTB.

@FOXYMORON1707 He's in tech at the moment, and certain sectors of it are filled with middle-upper class people.

That would be a massive ick. I’d really question his values - if he wants finance and private school go and find someone who does that. TA is great - he’s an idiot.

No that is definitely not cool. And for the record I take my hat off to TAs, you do a wonderful wonderful job so he should be proud not telling lies about you.

Yuk. Very unacceptable behaviour. I would have it out with him, but can’t envisage a viable outcome.

This really doesn’t sound good OP. He doesn’t sound like a nice person

He is the male equivelant of the girl in Common People. Wants a walk on the wild side with the common people, but when it comes down to it, he will be marrying and having kids with a woman that he deems to be "appropriate" to his social standing.

ETA just had another thought...

I wonder if his mates have all done better than him so bagged their "private school works in finance" partners as they met in the same world. So if his career isnt as successful or lucrative as theirs he thinks that any woman of their level wont be interested in him (as he assumes them all to be as shallow as he is) but wants to look like he has made it too. That he is successful enough to pull a high achieving woman.

As others have said, its about his ego and self esteem (or lack thereof) and he needs to lie about who you are to bolster his own credentials in the friendship group.

You need a fully emotionally intelligent and mature partner, not a project.

Your job is to educate children, not grown men. Get rid.

I think this is a bit odd. It’s completely unnecessary lying. If he was saying something like you trained as a zoo keeper and jet ski instructor but now like to make forks at home that you sell on eBay to make you laugh or something ie you are in on it, then maybe ok, but this is straight up misdescribing who you are without your permission and shaking it off as if it’s no big deal. I guess if he is open to a proper conversation then maybe you can resolve things between you but if he can’t engage in that then I fear this would become an exhausting and painful path to tread. A partner should big you up as you are. Good luck.

He’s a liar, insecure and shallow.

Get rid.

You need to speak to him if he’s embellishing your life for his own purpose I can’t see how it could lead to more in the future. what’s he going to tell his parents have you met them? Do they know what your job is? He’s not sounding like someone who is proud of you. It’s best to love a job than hate one and do it just for the money.

He definitely sees you as Ms. Right Now,
I bet he hums Common People to himself and chuckles ironically.

🚩🚩🚩

Yes, definitely a red flag. You are you and he should accept you as you are. Perhaps he is on the lookout for someone who went to private school and works in finance. He sounds like a social climber. If he lies to others, he probably lies to you too. Run !

He's embarrassed by your background enough to basically lie about it to other people. This means he doesn't value you for who you are and would prefer you were someone else.

I'm from a working class background and my DH is from the traditional Anglo-Irish upper class from the ROI. He's the most down to earth person ever and couldn't care less that we're from different backgrounds and neither do his family.

Your DP obviously values what background you come from more than who you are as a person so for that reason I would be ending it.

She clearly describes his background.

The Sex in the City analogy is very insightful 🤔