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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
Gonners · 02/08/2025 20:46

This is so bonkers as to be barely credible, but I hope he's not planning on the pair of you ever meeting up with the same people again. If so, you don't have to maintain the lie ... I'd be looking at asking one of the others what he/she does and then casually saying that you'd really have liked to go into teaching, but what with going to a bog-standard comp and not having the maths, you've had to "settle" for being a TA.

Pixiedusty · 02/08/2025 20:48

"Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it."

So in other words he thinks having a gf who works in finance and who went to a private school is better than one who is a teaching assistant that went to a state school.

Are you OK with that OP? If not I suggest you speak up loud and clear. You say you've been together a year which in the grand scheme of things isn't all that long - sort that out now before you suddenly realise you have wasted 10 years with a guy who doesn't think you are "good enough" as who you are.

Plumnora · 02/08/2025 20:49

Yes, this would bother me massively. And the fact that you're bothered should be enough to tell you that this is not ok. Please, please listen to your gut. It's a major red flag.
If he has to make up your back story what else is he making up?
Get as far away as you can and find someone who isn't ashamed of who you are.

SmurfnoffIce · 02/08/2025 20:49

He’s not only a liar and a snob - he’s also a pillock. How does he think he’ll keep this up? If you hadn’t overheard him, you could easily have dropped him in it that very night. What if you’d come back to the table and someone had said to you, “Jim tells me you work in finance”? Would he have expected you to just run with it? Or would you have - understandably - said “No, I’m a teaching assistant; what are you on about, Jim?”

I dated an older man once who kept telling me I didn’t need to worry about the age gap; it didn’t matter. Yet he wanted me to add five years to my age when I met his family. It was ridiculous - he was trying to convince me we had a future, yet we’d have had to have kept up with two versions of our lives. What would he have done if we’d stayed together our parents had met? Did he think my parents wouldn’t notice his wishing me a happy 30th birthday when I was only 25?

It’ll be the same for you. “What do you do?” is the most common opening gambit there is when talking to a stranger - are to meant to have prepared a whole job description for when you talk to other guests at this wedding? What happens if the guest you’re talking to actually does work in finance and it becomes blatantly obvious that you know bugger all about it?

The whole thing is ridiculous. Tell him you’ve no interest in being with someone who’s ashamed of you and be done with it.

Felibear · 02/08/2025 20:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mythoughts1 · 02/08/2025 20:50

Liars don't change. I married one. We're not together now. Your partner has lied and about you and with no conscience. You don't know who he really is. He doesn't respect you. You deserve better.

bringonyourwreckingball · 02/08/2025 20:55

In my experience, never trust anyone who finds it so easy to lie about something so unnecessary- they will lie about the big stuff too. My exh was a liar. Turned out some of his lies were really fucking huge and life changing.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2025 20:58

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You are best off starting your own thread to get a better response. No advice but it sounds tough.

Ruggerlass · 02/08/2025 21:00

What awful behaviour from him. I’d speak to him and ask him why he felt the need to lie. Sorry Op he comes across as a snob and ashamed of your background.
My husband and I are from very different backgrounds. He’s from Home Counties and went to an all boys boarding school. I’m from Glasgow, went to the local state comprehensive and lived in a house linked to my dad’s job. He’s never ever embellished or been embarrassed about where I’m from.

Isinglass20 · 02/08/2025 21:01

So if you’d walked in instead of listening at the keyhole and said “what did he just say? I don’t work in finance I’m a TA and proud of it” and watched his and their reaction.

So what do you do when you meet these people again? Lie to cover for his lies? Or come out with the truth?

People who lie get themselves into knots and end up being shunned.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 02/08/2025 21:09

Kindly, he's shown that he's ashamed of your background and job. He does not put any value on your career or achievements. On top of that, he's a liar.

Absolutely dump his pathetic rich boy arse.

For context, I'm a posh girl with a MSc, my partner is a salesman who grew up in a council house. We adore each other and are totally proud of each other.

saraclara · 02/08/2025 21:09

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident

It's not the kind of 'one incident' you can ignore though. A one-off snappy bit of anger because someone is very stressed, can be overlooked, maybe. But someone who tells a ridiculously extreme lie and thinks nothing of it, is fundamentally dishonest. You don't just do that once. An otherwise honest person just wouldn't tell that kind of lie, and if they did and got caught out, would be mortified.

anotherside · 02/08/2025 21:12

I couldn’t be with someone who did that. Nor would I want to be.

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 02/08/2025 21:18

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 10:18

To give a bit more context, he comes from quite a different background to me. His parents are both solicitors and he went to a grammar school. He works in tech now and is doing pretty well for himself. I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job. It’s never really been an issue between us or at least I didn’t think it was.

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

It was the first time I’d met the people at the dinner party and they all seemed quite polished. Lots of chat about skiing and second homes and someone literally brought up their child’s rowing schedule. So maybe he felt out of place too and just wanted to blend in. But still. I didn’t ask him to lie and I definitely didn’t expect him to change basic facts about me.

I haven’t brought it up again since last night. He just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to start an argument in the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. We’re supposed to be going to his cousin’s wedding in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to feel a bit awkward about that too. Like what version of me is going to show up there?

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt.

Maybe have a chat and say
I’m really proud of my job, how demanding and fulfilling it is and how much I make a difference. As you know I do not work in finance or go to private school. I need to draw a line here - I do not lie about my job, where I have come from and what I have achieved.

if it says - I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable or out of place - I would turn it round - I didn’t feel uncomfortable you did. You lied not me. Either you are embarrassed about what I am and who I am - in which case we are finished. Or you are thinking your friends won’t think me good enough - in which case you need to either get better friends or challenge their views.

If he carries on - you can say ok fine. And the next time you see your friends reverse it - hey everyone did you know John is going to go into politics aren’t you John he working for an MP right now and he scaled Everest last year - didn’t you John?

make him see it is really not ok

if he can’t. Throw this one back.

I once dated a man who was very very wealthy, as were his entire family and titled, castles the lot - never once did he make me feel bad about money. Never once. In fact I remember going to the pub and buying his parents a drink and they were so nice about it and normal - not flashing the bank card around or anything. I found out later his parents owned the pub ……

IMustDoMoreExercise · 02/08/2025 21:19

I'm afraid that he is ashamed of your background and doesn't want his friends to think that he is going out with someone who grew up in a council estate.

He is embarrassed by your background. Can you put up with that? You need to decide.

saraclara · 02/08/2025 21:25

I don't think there's any point in a conversation with him. He's proved himself to be a liar if the worst kind. He'll just pacify you and promise he'll never do it again. But someone who lies that easily will continue lying. Maybe he won't lie about your job, but he's clearly a very practised liar and you will never be able to trust him.

Andouillette · 02/08/2025 21:31

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 16:29

There is nothing wrong with going to a state school (93% of people do) and nothing wrong with being a teaching assistant - it’s a valuable job, essential to society, a key worker job during Covid. I don’t understand his attitude at all.

I do, and it's not good. He is bitter and twisted because HE didn't go to a private school. I wonder if he's lied to his friends about his own education. Please, OP get away from him. And please don't feel lesser, you are not. DH and I were privately educated, as were our DCs. He and I have been conspicuously unsuccessful, the DCs have done better. We have two sons-in-law who I adore and respect deeply, they were both state educated and are the most delightful, kind, helpful and decent men. I could not be happier and consider them a gift to the family. And I tell them so! I should add that I greatly admire TAs, they are the unsung heroes of any school.

DonnyBurrito · 02/08/2025 21:32

I broke up with a guy I was seriously dating, because he introduced me to a train driver as his wife... After I said "So I'm your wife am I?" And he said "Yeah it just sounds better doesn't it?".

Nope! All the white lies do is make it very clear that this person is deeply insecure and is using you as some sort of accessory to bolster their ego.

It's not nothing. It is a sign of something internal...

I wasn't in the headspace to address it with my guy, I just wanted something easy and genuine. However, looking back, I understood why he did it. His mother was very poorly and he told me she'd expressed disappointment that he wasn't settled yet. So he was just unconsciously acting out his mother's wishes. It played out in other ways, too.

He wasn't a bad guy. But it meant we didn't have a genuine relationship.

Call him out and dig a bit deeper, if you have the bandwidth. If he can't reflect and give his head a wobble, then bounce.

Gettingfitorbust · 02/08/2025 21:34

Are you sure he has told the truth about his own background?

BrassOlive · 02/08/2025 21:36

"starting to feel a bit awkward about that too"

Starting? You're not seriously considering staying in a relationship with this man. Why on earth would you entertain spending one more second with someone who is ashamed of you?

Ohnobackagain · 02/08/2025 21:40

While I think what he has done is bad @ConcernedAndConfused94 and it is possible he is ashamed or thinks you are not good enough, it may genuinely be that he doesn’t think that but really thought the people he was talking to you would look down on you and he is not mature enough to deal with it appropriately. I hope you can get to the bottom of it. I cannot personally stand liars but if I thought he could understand where he went wrong and work out how to be honest going forward, I MIGHT give him another chance. Absolutely not condoning lying or thinking you’re not good enough but just saying hear him out/see if he can understand how it comes over.

Meg8 · 02/08/2025 21:40

I went to a grammar school and became an Accountant. I hope and believe that have no snobbish in me. I was from a very poor working class background and none of my rellies and few of my friends had my educational background. I love all my rellies and hope they love me. Same with friends. I see no reason at all for anyone to feel awkward about their education or jobs (being a TA is a vital one, a career in itself). Both my DDs have degrees and high-powered jobs, their
DH's don't. They are both fine men, hardworking, good DHs and fathers to my grandkids.

I wouldn't be able tolerate this behaviour at all and neither should you.

Allotmentblackfly · 02/08/2025 21:44

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 10:18

To give a bit more context, he comes from quite a different background to me. His parents are both solicitors and he went to a grammar school. He works in tech now and is doing pretty well for himself. I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job. It’s never really been an issue between us or at least I didn’t think it was.

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

It was the first time I’d met the people at the dinner party and they all seemed quite polished. Lots of chat about skiing and second homes and someone literally brought up their child’s rowing schedule. So maybe he felt out of place too and just wanted to blend in. But still. I didn’t ask him to lie and I definitely didn’t expect him to change basic facts about me.

I haven’t brought it up again since last night. He just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to start an argument in the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. We’re supposed to be going to his cousin’s wedding in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to feel a bit awkward about that too. Like what version of me is going to show up there?

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt.

How old are you both OP. It sounds like immature behaviour. Does he like playing tricks/ doing a wind up the rest of the time?

Crushed23 · 02/08/2025 21:56

At first I thought this must be an insecure kid who feels he doesn’t fit into his own friendship group on account of not having gone to private school etc. But from your username, and the talk of second homes / kids, you lot must be in your 30s & 40s? Which makes the lying and insecurity beyond pathetic. Definitely bin.

Blessthismess2 · 02/08/2025 21:56

That’s extremely odd behaviour.major red flags imv. It’s not just what it says about his feelings about you and his values more generally (not having a “prestigious” enough job etc)- it’s what it says about his propensity to lie and be inauthentic / loose with the truth.