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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 02/08/2025 10:21

Next time he does it interject and say 'no I didn't! - he likes to pretend I'm posher than I am!' and walk off.

GentlemanJay · 02/08/2025 10:23

I wouldn’t be happy with that.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 02/08/2025 10:23

Or start introducing yourself to everyone he is talking to as 'concernedAndConfused94, state school TA- pleased to meet you ' and give him a pointed look.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2025 10:25

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

He needs to now become your ex bf. Raise your bar.

What else has he said about you to other people when you are not around. Talking to him about this will be a waste of time because he will be unlikely to tell you exactly why he did this.

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 10:25

You can’t unhear what you overheard and how casually he laughed it off. I’d tell him he needs to find someone with the correct (truthful) credentials to accompany him to his cousin’s wedding because you’re not an actress. Edited to add: and you value truthfulness.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2025 10:27

And indeed you have talked to him about this and he laughed it off. That should tell you all you need to know.

MounjaroMounjaro · 02/08/2025 10:28

His own sense of self is very fragile. He thinks his friends will think less of him if they know he's with someone who doesn't have a similar background to theirs.

This will not improve, OP. He's showing you who he is.

Charabanc · 02/08/2025 10:30

That's a bunting strip worth of red flags, OP:

  • Lying easily
  • Posing
  • Being ashamed of you
  • Being an absolute tosser

Get rid!!

Dery · 02/08/2025 10:31

I don’t think all private school pupils would be ashamed of a partner having gone to state school, as one poster suggests. I’ve seen a lot of relationships across that particular divide and am in one myself as is my elder DD.

BUT I think you’re right to be concerned in this case because, given that he also lied about your job, it suggests that deep down he doesn’t think you’re good enough. A bit like that moment in Bridget Jones 4 when Bridget’s much younger boyfriend drunkenly says he wishes he had a time machine.

We all make mistakes. If it’s otherwise been going well, I wouldn’t just end it but I think you need a serious discussion to establish that he understands the issue and see where that gets you.

JMSA · 02/08/2025 10:31

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 10:18

To give a bit more context, he comes from quite a different background to me. His parents are both solicitors and he went to a grammar school. He works in tech now and is doing pretty well for himself. I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job. It’s never really been an issue between us or at least I didn’t think it was.

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

It was the first time I’d met the people at the dinner party and they all seemed quite polished. Lots of chat about skiing and second homes and someone literally brought up their child’s rowing schedule. So maybe he felt out of place too and just wanted to blend in. But still. I didn’t ask him to lie and I definitely didn’t expect him to change basic facts about me.

I haven’t brought it up again since last night. He just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to start an argument in the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. We’re supposed to be going to his cousin’s wedding in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to feel a bit awkward about that too. Like what version of me is going to show up there?

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt.

Aww, I’m sorry OP. But this makes it even worse.
He’s a snobby prick.

Pleasealexa · 02/08/2025 10:33

How can you be in his long-term future if he has created a different image of you?

Surely it will become obvious if you plan a life together, buying a home etc as your income will become apparent.

Sadly I don't think he is a keeper as I'm not sure he can love you "completely" if he has to change your life story. I also think there will be major compatibility issues down the line as clearly he wants to be around people similar to his friends.

rainbowstardrops · 02/08/2025 10:33

From your update, I’d say he’s a bloody snob and whilst he’s enjoying his ‘bit of rough’ in private, in public he wants you to fit in with his circle.
I wouldn’t be happy about that one iota. He either loves and cares about you for who you are, or I’d be binning him off.

Charabanc · 02/08/2025 10:33

Dery · 02/08/2025 10:31

I don’t think all private school pupils would be ashamed of a partner having gone to state school, as one poster suggests. I’ve seen a lot of relationships across that particular divide and am in one myself as is my elder DD.

BUT I think you’re right to be concerned in this case because, given that he also lied about your job, it suggests that deep down he doesn’t think you’re good enough. A bit like that moment in Bridget Jones 4 when Bridget’s much younger boyfriend drunkenly says he wishes he had a time machine.

We all make mistakes. If it’s otherwise been going well, I wouldn’t just end it but I think you need a serious discussion to establish that he understands the issue and see where that gets you.

Lying that easily is not a "mistake". It's clearly ingrained in him.

I met a man would lie for convenience, about little things and big things. It's not something they ever give up.

MasterBeth · 02/08/2025 10:33

It's weird and a big deal.

The easy lying, the snobbery.

Also though, it makes him look really thick. It's the simplest lie to see through. One of these friends only has to ask you about your job and your background and he's found out.

And that means he's completely unashamed about it. He doesn't mind you finding out that he's a casual liar. He doesn't really mind his friends finding out. That's a big deal. He sounds like Boris Johnson. Big fat liar.

TwistedWonder · 02/08/2025 10:35

JMSA · 02/08/2025 10:31

Aww, I’m sorry OP. But this makes it even worse.
He’s a snobby prick.

Show quote history

This. Sorry OP but he’s embarrassed by your background and job. Now he’s lied about this are you supposed to spend your entire life pretending to be someone you’re not to ‘impress’ his friends. If he truly loved you he’d be proud to tell his friends exactly who you are.

He's an absolute snobby twat - yuk

Beeinalily · 02/08/2025 10:39

It would bother me, because if he lies to his friends he's likely to lie to you as well. I'd tread very carefully, OP, and be careful what you believe.

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2025 10:39

If it were me I would have put them straight, because there's no way I'd want someone that insecure wailing to his mates about how I'd lied to him about my job and background.

godmum56 · 02/08/2025 10:39

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 02/08/2025 10:01

Well he lied .. And the lies came free and easy.
Because that's who he is.
A liar.
Get rid op.
Be proud that you realised sooner rather than later..

This.

godmum56 · 02/08/2025 10:40

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2025 10:39

If it were me I would have put them straight, because there's no way I'd want someone that insecure wailing to his mates about how I'd lied to him about my job and background.

also this.

Acinonyx2 · 02/08/2025 10:44

I cannot imagine thinking 'working in finance' was an improvement on being a TA! That just speaks volumes.

SailingWonder · 02/08/2025 10:44

How could that even happen? If it was your friends they would already know. If it was his - finding out what people do for a living is one of the first things you ask as a way into conversation!

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 10:46

As the child of a single Mum, I went to a state school. I was then a professional single Mum to a DC who went to a state school, followed in DC’s case by Oxbridge and a career in finance. I’d be incensed by this and ask him if he had lost his memory or his mind. I wouldn’t go along with his fairy stories.

Dandelionsand4leafclover · 02/08/2025 10:47

Dump him and find somebody who loves and values the real you.

schmalex · 02/08/2025 10:48

I think it's a red flag.
I expect he feels he doesn't quite fit and is projecting it onto you.
My husband went to private school and I went to a local comp. I don't think it's anything to lie about and neither does he. Nobody in our circles (very much skiing holidays and second homes) would be remotely bothered.

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 10:48

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2025 10:39

If it were me I would have put them straight, because there's no way I'd want someone that insecure wailing to his mates about how I'd lied to him about my job and background.

Yes - he could have a way of putting the blame for his lies back on OP. I’d be out.

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