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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
joliefolle · 02/08/2025 23:18

OP, you went to dinner with your boyfriend of one year's friends and actually, wtf that he could say you work in finance when you are a TA. Did none of his friends ask you what you did for work etc.? It's a pretty standard question when you meet a friend's partner at a dinner party. What did his friend's ask you about yourself and what did you tell them? You say they talked about their holidays, their kids and so on. Did they not actually ask you anything about you?!

NameChangedOfc · 02/08/2025 23:35

GarlicLitre · 02/08/2025 22:08

The circles I used to move in were full of bullshitters, myself included. It was normal not to take everything said in general chitchat as gospel (I'd say it's the case in every circle, but that would be a different thread). But some people lie spectacularly, about everything. I have no interest in why they do it, I'm not their psychiatrist.

When people know a compulsive liar quite well as a friend, they neither believe nor disbelieve anything they say. They just take it as it comes, avoid lending them money and would warn their loved ones off getting involved with them. You tend to find, though, that compulsive liars have wide social circles of superficial friendships. These people don't know the sheer extent of the bullshit - and don't believe you if you try to tell them. They find out if & when they, or someone they care about, get stung.

Lying about who your girlfriend is isn't random social bullshit, it's a deep and spectacular lie. You already understand how insulting this is to you as a person, @ConcernedAndConfused94. What you seem not to have grasped (yet) is that it tells you everything about his disregard for facts. This isn't something you can sort out with a meaningful conversation, it's a fundamental part of his character.

Up to you whether you choose to be like those others who think they know better than those saying "watch out" ...

Edited

Exactly this: if he is able to lie about you in this way, then we are looking at something deeper and more serious here. It is a feature, not a bug, as they say.

MelliC · 02/08/2025 23:40

This is really bad:

  1. He's comfortable as liar: bad trait in a partner. Indicates drama ahead. He's not even a good liar.
  2. He's a snob: most people went to state school,why lie about it?
  3. His lies show how he doesn't think you measure up to his vision of a great girlfriend. Why would you stick with him when you could find someone who thinks you are amazing just the way you are?

But worst of all:
4) Failure to apologise; he didn't apologise because he didn't think he needed to. And this is because your feelings aren't something he feels he needs to concern himself about too much. This is a flimsy basis for a relationship and not one that will bring you long term happiness.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/08/2025 23:44

🚩

Bowies · 03/08/2025 00:08

NameChangedOfc · 02/08/2025 23:35

Exactly this: if he is able to lie about you in this way, then we are looking at something deeper and more serious here. It is a feature, not a bug, as they say.

Show quote history

I agree, plus OP already gave him the benefit of a conversation and we saw how that went. It’s a fundamental flaw. Further conversation at best futile and likely to equal more gas lighting.

OP deserves far better than this loser, whose mask finally slipped when he thought she wasn’t present.

I would give notice now of not attending the cousin’s wedding.

Mistyglade · 03/08/2025 00:12

He’s a liar and doesn’t respect who you are and what you do. Bin him.

GrannyNannyMagratandGreebo · 03/08/2025 00:26

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating something that's might've already been said.

That little niggle is your gut instinct that something isn't right. Please listen to it. I didn't and I've spent the last three years in sn emotionally abusive and inconsistent "relationship" and the last six months grieving something that wasn't what I thought it was, I'm now in therapy because of it. Please listen to it and run.

MumTeacherofMany · 03/08/2025 00:40

Huge 🚩

amillionandone · 03/08/2025 00:44

I can't abide a liar. How can you ever trust him? If he lies about you, he may be lying to you, as well. I'd make it clear that this has bothered you and why, then even if he makes the right sounds about understanding and promising not to lie about you again, I'd spend some time watching him closely and examining your relationship. It's definitely a red flag, and it would make me wonder if I'd been missing any others.

jessr1990 · 03/08/2025 00:48

If he'd just exaggerated the truth like saying 'Ah the first time we met we were in waitrose doing the weekly shop' rather than the Aldi we were actually in, I'd forgive that, but a total lie about your career is a no no for me because you'd have to either keep lying or awkwardly tell them he lied if you saw them again.

Only time I'd let anyone get away with a total lie is if it was some role play thing.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 03/08/2025 00:56

I would feel hurt by this incident. But even more importantly, I would beware of anyone who lies so readily. He’s a habitual liar. I couldn’t live with that.

Calliopespa · 03/08/2025 01:40

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 10:18

To give a bit more context, he comes from quite a different background to me. His parents are both solicitors and he went to a grammar school. He works in tech now and is doing pretty well for himself. I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job. It’s never really been an issue between us or at least I didn’t think it was.

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

It was the first time I’d met the people at the dinner party and they all seemed quite polished. Lots of chat about skiing and second homes and someone literally brought up their child’s rowing schedule. So maybe he felt out of place too and just wanted to blend in. But still. I didn’t ask him to lie and I definitely didn’t expect him to change basic facts about me.

I haven’t brought it up again since last night. He just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to start an argument in the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. We’re supposed to be going to his cousin’s wedding in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to feel a bit awkward about that too. Like what version of me is going to show up there?

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt.

I think you are right op: it is more complicated.

It's either that he is ashamed of you, or has insecurity issues himself, and neither of those are a pretty thing to deal with in a relationship.

The very best I could say in his defence is that perhaps he was trying - in his mind - to protect you; but why even go down the route of telling a story he felt required this?

SadTimesInFife · 03/08/2025 02:50

He doesn't value what you value.
Therefore this relationship has not got the future you had hoped for.
Very sad but lucky you found out now.

SadTimesInFife · 03/08/2025 02:51

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2025 22:03

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

That makes me think he sees you not as a partner but as a pet. You're a project, you amuse him (but not in a good way). I hate to say it but I fear that one day he'll decide you don't amuse him any more, he's got fed up with his project, and moves on to someone he sees as being more in keeping with 'status'.

Yeah, like Pygmalion.
I never did like Henry Higgins.

ThriveAT · 03/08/2025 02:53

If he's lying about this, what else could he be embellishing? Are you not 'impressive' enough as you are? (I say this as someone who has worked as a TA). This is a major red flag for me because I, like you, value honesty.

ThriveAT · 03/08/2025 02:57

It IS a big deal, OP. He is lying about and/or ashamed of your job. It might not be a high- status or well-paid job, but it is a job with purpose and value.

Newnamehiwhodis · 03/08/2025 03:05

That would disgust me utterly, and I would be out the door. someone who lies is always going to find lying more easy than telling the truth.

BluntLion · 03/08/2025 03:23

Big Red Flag OP.

He obviously doesn't think you're good enough and feels the need to lie about you.

Get rid, you are absolutely good enough!

Relaxd · 03/08/2025 03:26

He is insecure. He must realise that this style of lie is easily caught out. You do need to address this o e firmly and quickly whilst it is still fresh.

I’d say to him, people are much more respectful of people who are confident and comfortable with the truth than embellish things to try to make themselves seem more important. Confident and secure people do not need to do that. I’d be clear with him that if I’m asked I will be honest and say I work in education and that they must have been mistaken. If they ask about schooling I’ll just say the local state school and leave it at that. Then I would ask him if he wants to talk about why he is feeling a bit insecure around that group of friends?

Skodacool · 03/08/2025 06:48

rainbowstardrops · 02/08/2025 10:33

From your update, I’d say he’s a bloody snob and whilst he’s enjoying his ‘bit of rough’ in private, in public he wants you to fit in with his circle.
I wouldn’t be happy about that one iota. He either loves and cares about you for who you are, or I’d be binning him off.

This is exactly what comes across to me. He finds you ‘refreshing’ and not like the girls he grew up with. You face potentially huge incompatibilities if you marry and have children. You’ll have his parents’ expectations to deal with as well.

ihavetocookagain · 03/08/2025 07:29

He’s rewriting your history already. Who’s to say he doesn’t rewrite anything else you say in the future about something else. Id say this is a huge red flag. You don’t know how he will react when/if you let slip the truth to these people? Will he get mad at you(probably)or admit he lied to them(unlikely). As people have said- he doesn’t think you are good enough.
You are good enough- and if he can’t see that, then that’s his loss.

Also, if he’s already lying, then he’ll keep lying in future.

Hopingtobeaparent · 03/08/2025 07:31

MounjaroMounjaro · 02/08/2025 09:56

Ugh. He doesn't think you're good enough as you are. Well, he's not good enough as he is!

1st post nailed it again! This!

That would absolutely give me the ick! What a con man! It wasn’t randoms you’ll never see again.

Massive red flag! He’s trying to reinvent you - WTF?! Fuck off!

Hopingtobeaparent · 03/08/2025 07:52

Anewnest · 02/08/2025 17:45

How weird. I think I would avoid someone who cares more about how things look to others than how things feel to you. It's a narcissistic trait. Run a mile.

Also this!

Doubledenim305 · 03/08/2025 09:11

He's bonkers.

Helen483 · 03/08/2025 10:56

At first I was going to say that you were over-reacting. My second husband liked to "entertain" people. He talked a lot and he had a good supply of anecdotes. And he used to say "no such thing as a story that can't be improved" ... I never saw it as "lying" exactly.

BUT
On reading your second post, nah, this is definitely not a behaviour you want to live with. At some level (even if he hasn't acknowledged it to himself, yet) he is ashamed of your background and your job.

If the relationship is bringing you pleasure then stay with him for now, but be aware that it's not going to work in the long term.