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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
SoonBeChristmasJingleBells · 02/08/2025 19:35

Definitely a red flag. Do you want to stay with a liar? He will lie to you too.

Rowen32 · 02/08/2025 19:36

I absolutely would not stay with him after that, he's basically denying who you are OP, that's not good. I don't know what talking to him will achieve. He didn't see how wrong it was even when you brought it up so clearly it's just who he is. Prepared to minimise who you are - that's awful.

mumuseli · 02/08/2025 19:37

I’d be so annoyed about that! & in my eyes, working in finance and having been to private school would not even make me a ‘better’ person than working in a school and having been to a normal school! How dare he rewrite your life.
& aside from that, the fact that he’s willing to do such a weird and unnecessary lie would definitely be a red flag to me.
I’m afraid I’ve met people before who do a lot of unnecessary lying (you notice a few lies here and there, then realise they’re doing it so much that you just can’t trust them anymore), and I’ve had to cut myself off from them as I find it really disturbing.

HAB75 · 02/08/2025 19:41

First red flag; being all perfect in the first few months and remembering the little things. I've learned the hard way that you want to see the warts and all almost from day one - it is comforting and you know what you have from day one.

Second red flag; not the lies he told, or what that says about how he sees your reality, but just the fact that he lies so comfortably. Perfection plus easy lies equals something really nasty in the longer run.

Finally, I know it is relative, I appreciate that, but two solicitors and grammar school really ain't all that. It's important to remember that snobbery is strictly a middle-class disease. You will likely never learn how truthful he was being when he was chiming in with the skiing and the rowing schedules. I went to a very well known grammar school and I'm telling you now that it would not be "refreshing" to meet a Teaching Assistant - just completely normal. I suspect he is playing at being posher than he is and you are giving him a springboard to do this. Very few grammar schools are posh.

Flamingoknees · 02/08/2025 19:42

You aren't taking this seriously enough OP. Massive red flag. What if you meet those friends again? Will you continue the lies to shield him? No way! What has he told his parents? Have you met them? There is no way he doesn't tell you lies too. Based on your update, you are making a big mistake.

BarilynBordeaux · 02/08/2025 19:43

I’d have the major ick personally. He’s ‘embellishing’ your life like sticking new clothes on a doll, like you’re a supporting character in his story and not a real person, to make himself look and feel better about your actual life/how he looks to his ‘set’

So much wrong with that. Back into the sea, if he’s lucky he’ll be picked up by the rowing club.

Makingitupaswegoalong · 02/08/2025 19:44

He’s embarrassed by you. There’s no future with a man like this: how could you raise children with someone like that?

HereWeGo1234 · 02/08/2025 19:44

I’m sorry but he’s embarrassed about your background.

Shame on him.

If he’s going to lie about that what else is he going to lie about?

I wouldn’t continue the relationship with him. Probably not what you want to hear but you deserve so much better.

Mountainviewatsunset · 02/08/2025 19:46

The snobbery - while bad- isn’t the worst thing. If he’d said you were a teacher rather than a TA, it would be bad, but I’d just think insecure and a bit of a snob.

its the fact that it’s a massive whopper of a lie that could easily be found out that makes me question his relationship with reality. He sounds like a massive fantasist.

the fact he also thinks it’s not a big deal is a massive red flag. Are you sure he is who he says he is? Is his job that great? Are his parents solicitors?

Smurfette63 · 02/08/2025 19:47

MounjaroMounjaro · 02/08/2025 09:56

Ugh. He doesn't think you're good enough as you are. Well, he's not good enough as he is!

Ditch him! You're worth so much better. Being a teaching assistant is a very giving job. If he finds it necessary to embellish you then he finds telling lies way too easy. Don't put yourself through future pain, call it a day with him and find someone else.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 02/08/2025 19:47

Yeah that’s shitty. He’s clearly insecure and looking to impress which isn't attractive one bit. Its quite off putting.

joliefolle · 02/08/2025 19:47

"I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt."

You care about him... but you don't actually know him. You, by chance, overheard a whole side of him that you didn't know. He is very insecure, able to lie off the cuff and then brush it off like it's nothing - no concern for you or his friends, it's all about him. If you really want to talk to him properly about this, go for it, but you need to really dig deep. Unless he is prepared to really share why he felt the need to lie like this, to really engage on why it's so disrespectful and hurtful for you, and to fess up and put things right with his friends, then just get out now. Yes, it's very hard to leave a relationship after a year, but the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them, including you. Please value yourself and find someone who is proud to be with you.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/08/2025 19:48

He thinks you are not good enough.
Its as simple as that.

How can this relationship last? Will he fess up or make you confirm his lies? 5 years? 10? Kids? It simply can't work can it?

Smurfette63 · 02/08/2025 19:49

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 10:18

To give a bit more context, he comes from quite a different background to me. His parents are both solicitors and he went to a grammar school. He works in tech now and is doing pretty well for himself. I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job. It’s never really been an issue between us or at least I didn’t think it was.

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

It was the first time I’d met the people at the dinner party and they all seemed quite polished. Lots of chat about skiing and second homes and someone literally brought up their child’s rowing schedule. So maybe he felt out of place too and just wanted to blend in. But still. I didn’t ask him to lie and I definitely didn’t expect him to change basic facts about me.

I haven’t brought it up again since last night. He just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to start an argument in the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. We’re supposed to be going to his cousin’s wedding in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to feel a bit awkward about that too. Like what version of me is going to show up there?

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt.

Ditch him! You're worth so much better. Being a teaching assistant is a very giving job. If he finds it necessary to embellish you then he finds telling lies way too easy. Don't put yourself through future pain, call it a day with him and find someone else.

Illegally18 · 02/08/2025 19:50

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

How bizarre!

5128gap · 02/08/2025 19:50

He obviously doesn't intend on you being a long term fixture in his social circle as he must know the truth would out when they got to know you better. So really, you've nothing much to lose in ending a temporary relationship with a liar.

Donttellempike · 02/08/2025 19:51

This seems like a trivial incident but it really is not. He is not secure in himself. In the long run, if you stay with him, you will really really pay the price for that

Mountainviewatsunset · 02/08/2025 19:52

As pps have pointed out, grammar schools are not that posh! You will not be that different from the girls he grew up with….

his background sounds like bollocks to me. He was at a grammar school- not Eton! I’d be questioning his background. He sounds like a Walter Mitty.

Blablibladirladada · 02/08/2025 19:53

“Sounds better”
👀👀

He clearly doesn’t fancy you that much.

BoringParkingThread · 02/08/2025 19:56

I think this is the modern equivalent of Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice. They seemed to do okay, but you might need to educate him a bit and prepare his mind of the time when Lady Catherine de Bourgh goes NC.

SilverpetalShine · 02/08/2025 19:56

It sounds weird to me, watch that one.

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/08/2025 19:57

Op he won’t want or intend to discuss this with you. He’ll either become irritated or brush your concerns off as being of no concern (to him). He’s a liar, a snob who has devalued you and what you do as not being quite good enough in his eyes. He is unbelievably shallow, why the need to ‘pump your job description up’ why!!? How nasty, snobby can you get?

Squishymallows · 02/08/2025 19:58

I would totally have walked in there and been like Dave wtf I don’t work in finance or go to a private school why are you chatting shit? How embarrassing! I would call him out in front of his friends

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2025 19:58

He thinks his friends will look down on you so that means that deep down he looks down on you too.

Soon he will be pushing you to change careers, earn more money, wear different clothes, etc all to fit in with his friends.

Not a keeper.

KidsDoBetter · 02/08/2025 20:00

I struggle to imagine how your schooling came up in a retelling of how you met - embellished or not.

Had no one up to that point asked what you do? It’s such a common question when you meet people for the first time.

I can’t think how he thought lying about your job was sustainable if you ever met the people again. How would he not have known that someone knew you were a TA already at this point???

Very very odd behaviour.