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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 02/08/2025 18:05

I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

I already posted, but also wanted to say this doesn’t sound like a one off/throw away comment. You said he embellished the story of how you met, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the new version of you wasn’t created on the spot, but is actually long established in his head.

Again, he must be seriously odd to think you wouldn’t become aware of what he’s doing, or that you wouldn’t be bothered.

You could have been having a conversation with that same person at any time.

It’s so bizarre!

Pinkissmart · 02/08/2025 18:08

SummerInSun · 02/08/2025 11:03

If you really care about him, then you give him ONE more chance, only. You sit down with him and explain calmly that you aren’t ashamed of who you are, your background, or your (incredibly worthwhile and socially important!) job. Tell him that he needs to think hard about why he lied and if it is because he is embarrassed by you, then that’s the end of the relationship - you can’t be with someone who is ashamed of you. And that you don’t approve of lying either. Tell him to take some time to think about it before he responds. How he does respond tells you all you need to know.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think any decent “wealthy” person would judge you for any of those things. I work in “the city” with people who have millions, and virtually every one of them would recognises that being a TA is an important and difficult job that most of them would be utterly incapable of doing. Nor would they judge you for where you grew up or where they went to school. They are sufficiently comfortable in their own skin not to be fussed by that sort of thing. Why isn’t your boyfriend?

No!

It doesn't matter how much op cares about him, it's that he doesn't seem to care about who SHE is.

MinnieGirl · 02/08/2025 18:20

I never trust a liar. Once I’ve found someone out, I can never see them in the same light. He’s shown you he is prepared to lie, and shrug it off when you questioned it. What else will he lie about? Get rid of him.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 02/08/2025 18:35

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

YANBU it’s a bit gross. He has sucked you into those lies and a bit embarrassing/awkward if you see these people again. I’d be ending it.

Single50something · 02/08/2025 18:35

I think prob a red flag.
I went out with someone who would always introduce me by my full first name...and yet I am always known by a shortened version.. by everyone. Was v odd..actually as typing this I know why 🤣 he didnt want his ex to know about me and so used a name no-one would ever associate with me.

Jumpers4goalposts · 02/08/2025 18:37

Huge red flag, he has no respect for your upbringing or your job so he’s made one up that he’s happy with.

HowAmYa · 02/08/2025 18:40

Sorry OP but every part of your life and how you became who you are today is something to be celebrated and loved not diminished and then glossed over with lies.
What he is saying is he likes you, yes, BUT only in spite of all the things he clearly finds distasteful, so distasteful that he can’t even be honest amongst friends about you. But he is with you to improve you - take that whichever way you like, but that will be exactly what he thinks because in his head you’re now dating above your calibre. God. What a dick.
What happens when they call you out on it? They ask you about working in finance? Will you drop him in it? Would you say what you actually do? How embarrassing would that make you feel, knowing they were lead to believe lies. You would be made to feel so small over something that you should be proud of.
Yes it’s a huge huge red flag, you are not, and will never be, good enough for him. And definitely don’t let any man think he is ‘bettering’ you.
No. No normal loving partner does this.

FeetLikeFlippers · 02/08/2025 18:46

That would be a deal breaker for me. Not just the lying but the fact that he thinks working in “finance” is somehow superior to working in education. He must be very shallow and snobbish to believe that, and then to back it up with a blatant lie is quite worrying.

Happyhettie · 02/08/2025 18:57

He’s making out you are something / someone you are not. I’d want to know why he wants to make up lies about you? Is he embarrassed that you are a TA? (Which is a job of enormous worth and not valued nearly enough)
What else is he going to lie about?

You are worth more than that!!

okydokethen · 02/08/2025 18:59

Are you sure he was talking about you?

MarySueSaidBoo · 02/08/2025 19:03

He's airbrushing you. Not a good sign, OP.

DH and I live in a lovely home that we own outright, and run our own business. We both grew up in broken homes and in council houses. We're both proud of our backgrounds as it has made us what we are.

Lotsofsnacks · 02/08/2025 19:04

Course it’s a big deal op, he’s lying about you to his friends! Hes a snob, and with his own girlfriend. Come on it’s only going to get worse. Have u met his parents? If so, was he honest about you, to them?

If you carry on, at some point, there’s going to be an embarrassing incident, where these lies are found out in front of his friends. E.g what if one is in finance and starts an in depth conversation about your career in the same sector?!! It’s got disaster written all over it!

Batherssss · 02/08/2025 19:06

OP, that is really huge.
He is ashamed of your background and he is a LIAR.
Do you want to be with a liar?
He lies with ease.
He will lie to you.

I'm sorry but this is deal breaking stuff.

OhHellolittleone · 02/08/2025 19:08

Surely it will come up ‘Oh Alex said you work in finance, which firm are you with?’ Etc it’s not like you’re not there for follow up questions…? Maybe they’ll not ask about school directly but it might come up in a chat about your hometown or something.

Devonsongbird · 02/08/2025 19:11

Oh dear…I feel for you…yes it’s a red flag to me…you’ve found a bloke who’s mostly really lovely and he’s comfortable with lying…??
Challenge him on it and see what he says…any decent human being would hopefully admit that they shouldn’t have lied and then correct the mistake…you’ll get the measure of what kind of man he is and what matters by how he deals with it….
ps-if you’re asking for advice on a forum…I would suggest your instincts are trying to tell you something is wrong with it…believe them…they were given to you for a reason xx

MincePiesAndStilton · 02/08/2025 19:14

Eh?! Bin him. He clearly has no intention of staying with you long term - how will he explain all this away at your wedding?

DiscoBob · 02/08/2025 19:16

How bizarre for him to do that. Was it people he knew but you didn't?

I'd have just called him straight out in front of them all. 'Why do you think I work in finance? I've always been a teacher. And that I went to private school? I think you're confusing me with a different person entirely'.

Then see what his reaction is. His mates would think him a pillock of the highest order for bullshitting so blatantly and unnecessarily.

He clearly cannot be trusted and has a somewhat combative relationship with the truth.

itgetsthehoseagain · 02/08/2025 19:16

OP, that's really odd, tip-of-the-iceberg stuff. I'd be wary of the daydreaming fantasist he could turn into, let alone the not-very-implicit suggestion that who you really are isn't really up to his scratch. I'd leave - you deserve better than a boyfriend who feels he has to lie about your achievements so that you seem worthy of such a prince. 😔

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/08/2025 19:17

Aren’t you worried he’s lying TO you as well as about you?

Bikergran · 02/08/2025 19:18

Weird, worrying. I'd dump him a) because he doesn't think you're good enough, and b) because he's a liar/fantasist, which is never a good thing in a relationship.

Hankunamatata · 02/08/2025 19:18

Hell no.
He doesnt get to rewrite you if he doesnt think your job is good enough. Shows what he really thinks of you.

saraclara · 02/08/2025 19:19

Yep, multiple red flags. He's ashamed of who you are, and he lies blatantly and easily.
Either of those would be deal-breaker for me. Together, not a chance. The lying easily bit is who he is, and I would never be able to trust a word he said.

TheLemonLemur · 02/08/2025 19:26

I wouldn't be with anyone who was ashamed of a perfectly normal background and what else is he lying about? Id worry he doesn't see a long term future and views this as a bit of fun as surely if you were going to be around his friends long term it would come up? I'd be tempted to go to the wedding and introduce myself to as many people as possible with the correct version and watch him squirm before ending it!

beeeeeeez · 02/08/2025 19:31

I was married to a man who embroidered the truth like this. I advise extreme caution (we lasted 4 years).

Lostworlds · 02/08/2025 19:34

I think it’s actually quite hurtful what he’s done. He’s introducing you to his friends, surely at some point they are going to realise those things aren’t true?

To me it would suggest that he doesn’t think the relationship is going to last so doesn’t matter if he tells his friends the truth and that he’s actually quite embarrassed about me.

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