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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
LittlleMy · 02/08/2025 12:19

Charabanc · 02/08/2025 10:30

That's a bunting strip worth of red flags, OP:

  • Lying easily
  • Posing
  • Being ashamed of you
  • Being an absolute tosser

Get rid!!

Have to agree - this is not some throwaway comment.

He’s shown you who he is: a man ashamed of his GF. If he truly respected you, he would have just truthfully said where you worked. But he cares more about what people think of him so you’re just expected to go along with the lie.

You're too good for this one and I’d personally throw him back. Also, because you now know he doesn’t think you’re up to his social circles ‘standards’, I think you’re just a placeholder and once someone comes along who’s as pretty as you are - but with a more ‘acceptable’ heritage, you’ll be dumped.

groma · 02/08/2025 12:24

Ask him how he intends to introduce you at the cousins wedding. Unless he is willing to be truthful and open about your background and job leave him.

MooreMooreMoore · 02/08/2025 12:25

He’s a pathological liar! The refreshing novelty has worn off and he’s rewriting your history because he’s embarrassed. I couldn’t be with someone like that, he’s making you a caricature of yourself!

PInkyStarfish · 02/08/2025 12:39

He wasn’t ’bigging’ you up or slightly embellishing things he was downright lying.

It now could be turned on you if the person hears different from someone else and it looks like you lied to him.

If lies can roll so easily from his lips it shows a nasty side to him and one which I would dump him immediately and then explain to the friend he told the lies to that he lied about you.

Hameth · 02/08/2025 12:39

Im sorry to say this feels someone enjoying "a life experience" rather than building a relationship. I'm sorry to say that I would think he's already got an expiry date in mind because the lies won't last a minute if the friebds speak to you. Does his demeanour strike you as someone who will be happy to be caught in a sustained lie to his friends, as opposed to you being the punchlines in an anecdote on a lads night out or his best man's speech. Im really really sorry but I think it's even worse than the easy lying flag.

Christl78 · 02/08/2025 12:46

This does hit nerve for me. I also come from a lower class and have grown up poorly. I have achieved everything on my own. It would hurt me immensely If my partner said something like this to his friends. I would find it humiliating and like I am not enough. And these are reasons for me to split.
And it will be really akward next time they ask you “what do you do in Finance”.
sorry OP. You don’t deserve this. Find someone who is proud of you and the progress you have made in your life.

Celynfour · 02/08/2025 12:46

I hope you can consider this clearly enough to see you should end the relationship .
He lied because he’s shallow and has a weak self image . He thinks these things matter .
He will lie again . Your values will never align and I suspect one day he will just disappear as the fragility of his self worth is too hard to maintain .
I would take the more uncomfortable road in the short term and protect yourself for the long term.

Dontbeme · 02/08/2025 13:11

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 10:18

To give a bit more context, he comes from quite a different background to me. His parents are both solicitors and he went to a grammar school. He works in tech now and is doing pretty well for himself. I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job. It’s never really been an issue between us or at least I didn’t think it was.

He’s made little comments before, like saying I’m “refreshing” or “not like the girls he grew up with” which I took as compliments at the time. But now I’m wondering if it’s more complicated than that. Maybe he likes the idea of me but not the full reality, if that makes sense.

It was the first time I’d met the people at the dinner party and they all seemed quite polished. Lots of chat about skiing and second homes and someone literally brought up their child’s rowing schedule. So maybe he felt out of place too and just wanted to blend in. But still. I didn’t ask him to lie and I definitely didn’t expect him to change basic facts about me.

I haven’t brought it up again since last night. He just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to start an argument in the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about it now. We’re supposed to be going to his cousin’s wedding in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to feel a bit awkward about that too. Like what version of me is going to show up there?

I really care about him and I don’t want to throw something away over one incident but this has left a bit of a bad taste. I think I need to talk to him properly and see if he actually understands why it hurt.

I grew up in a council flat with a single mum and went to a very normal comp. I’m a TA at a local primary and I love it but I know it’s not a high status job.

Please don't do that OP, please do not think or speak about yourself to minimize yourself. I read what you wrote as you being determined, hardworking and someone who will influence young kids on a daily basis to make a positive impact on their lives. I'm mid forties and still fondly remember the kind teachers and staff in primary school that encouraged me to work hard and achieve in life, the people who took the time to show interest and have a kind word for a kid who was struggling in life. I was also raised by a single mother, but she was neglectful and I grew up in abuse, this was Ireland in the eighties so this was seen as a "private, family matter", I still feel so much gratitude for people in school that showed me I deserved better, that I could work my way to something better. Better communities are built by people like you. This man doesn't deserve you, you deserve someone much better than him.

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 02/08/2025 13:41

If he lies about you, he will lie to you. Guaranteed.

excelledyourself · 02/08/2025 13:48

Who exactly was he lying to?

It’s pretty awful to lie about you, but he’s either pretty thick or else he just can’t see much of a future for your relationship, because those kind of lies won’t stand the test of time.

AcquadiP · 02/08/2025 13:53

The ease with which he lies would put me right off. What else has he lied about?

In addition, you've chosen your career path and you are happy with it. It may be very different to what the other dinner guests do for a living but that doesn't make you less than. The fact he feels the need to embellish your job and your education suggests he's a bit of a snob. I wouldn't be happy about that.

Account734 · 02/08/2025 14:32

Huge red flag. I'd end it. I don't like liars and I would never trust him after that, who knows what else he is lying about.

Whatwouldnanado · 02/08/2025 15:12

What a patronising inadequate arse. You can do better.

ARichtGoodDram · 02/08/2025 15:15

If these people are his friends I'd be assuming he wasn't expecting me to be around enough for the truth to come out.

I mean, as you spend more time with people you chat more, he's obviously not expecting you to chat to them enough for your actual background to come out.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 02/08/2025 15:36

Bloody hell OP, this is nuts! Two things immediately spring to mind here:

  1. This is the lie you caught him telling…what lies has he told that you’ve not overheard? There will be many of them I’m certain!
  2. By telling his posh mates these made up ‘facts’ about you, he’s made you complicit in the lies! He’s expecting you to keep up the pretence now…otherwise you’ll be blamed for making him ‘look a twat’ when/if they find out the truth.

What an utter arsehole he is!

Charabanc · 02/08/2025 16:21

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 02/08/2025 15:36

Bloody hell OP, this is nuts! Two things immediately spring to mind here:

  1. This is the lie you caught him telling…what lies has he told that you’ve not overheard? There will be many of them I’m certain!
  2. By telling his posh mates these made up ‘facts’ about you, he’s made you complicit in the lies! He’s expecting you to keep up the pretence now…otherwise you’ll be blamed for making him ‘look a twat’ when/if they find out the truth.

What an utter arsehole he is!

Good point, I hadn't even thought about the coercive/gaslighting aspect!

Christl78 · 02/08/2025 16:23

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 02/08/2025 15:36

Bloody hell OP, this is nuts! Two things immediately spring to mind here:

  1. This is the lie you caught him telling…what lies has he told that you’ve not overheard? There will be many of them I’m certain!
  2. By telling his posh mates these made up ‘facts’ about you, he’s made you complicit in the lies! He’s expecting you to keep up the pretence now…otherwise you’ll be blamed for making him ‘look a twat’ when/if they find out the truth.

What an utter arsehole he is!

Third: he downgraded and humiliated her. He behaved as If he is ashamed of her and her upbringing.

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 16:29

There is nothing wrong with going to a state school (93% of people do) and nothing wrong with being a teaching assistant - it’s a valuable job, essential to society, a key worker job during Covid. I don’t understand his attitude at all.

Nevereatcardboard · 02/08/2025 16:46

@ConcernedAndConfused94 Never be ashamed of who you are or the background that you’re from. I think you should break up with this man because he’s a liar. If he lies to his friends, he’ll be prepared to lie to you (if he hasn’t done already). You can do so much better.

Buzzy1234 · 02/08/2025 17:24

Don't date a liar.

I foolishly tolerated white lies and exaggerations, it was the tip of a very unpleasant iceberg.

MannequinsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2025 17:37

It shows he lies. That's all you need to know.

Anewnest · 02/08/2025 17:45

How weird. I think I would avoid someone who cares more about how things look to others than how things feel to you. It's a narcissistic trait. Run a mile.

ReadingTime · 02/08/2025 17:46

I would have a huge problem with him changing basic facts about you to impress his friends. It deserves a really serious conversation at least, and if he won't take it seriously and doesn't want to understand why it hurt you, I'd end it.

But also as PPs said, the fact that he told two big lies so easily and casually is another red flag, on top of what the lies were about. I would think very very carefully about this.

IdaGlossop · 02/08/2025 17:48

This BF needs to become an ex-BF and start seeing GFs a individuals, not identikit dolls. How hurtful for you, OP. I would be furious too. Please get rid of him. You are worth more. TA is a demanding job, and poorly paid. A real partner would be proud of you for contributing positively to the lives of children.

FeistyFrankie · 02/08/2025 18:04

As pp have said he's a liar and if he can lie so easily about the small things- trust me, he will lie to you about much worse, too. He has no integrity.

It might seem like a small thing now, but the longer you stay with him, the more you'll catch him out. Don't waste your time, OP. Men like this just aren't worth it.

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