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Original poster

Would you forgive this or is it a red flag?

259 replies

ConcernedAndConfused94 · 02/08/2025 09:55

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. He’s lovely mostly, thoughtful, good with my friends, remembers the small things. But something happened last night that’s niggling at me and I just need to know if I’m being silly.

We were at a friend’s dinner party and I went to get us drinks from the kitchen. I came back and overheard him mid-conversation telling a story about how we met. He had this whole embellished version, which I know people do sometimes, but then he said I work in finance (I don’t, I’m a teaching assistant) and that I went to private school. I didn’t. I went to a very average state school.

Later I asked him why he said that and he just laughed and said it just sounds better doesn’t it. Like it was nothing. I didn’t push it at the time but it’s really stuck in my head.

It’s not even just the lie. It’s the way he felt the need to make me sound more “impressive” or something. Is that a bit gross or am I reading too much into it? I don’t want to cause drama if it’s just a weird throwaway thing.

Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 10:49

Dandelionsand4leafclover · 02/08/2025 10:47

Dump him and find somebody who loves and values the real you.

This!

YetanotherNC25 · 02/08/2025 10:50

Not only has he lied about you but he’s put you in a position where you’ve either got to continue the lie or correct him publicly. That’s not on. He’s embarrassed that your career isn’t good enough for him and his posh mates and doesn’t value or respect you.
It might have been going well for a year but he’s been letting you see the side of him he wanted you to see. The real him is coming out now.
I wouldn’t have wanted to socialise with people like his friends anyway. Do you?
You sound like you want to stay with him. It might take him doing this again, which he will, before you realise you need to leave. I hope it’s not too uncomfortable next time, but I suspect it will be.

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/08/2025 10:51

I would sit down and say… ive been thinking about your cousins wedding, you know I’m going to be in normal conversations where people ask what you do. and I of course will tell them I’m a TA at a primary school. So if that’s shameful for you in some way or it catches you out in lies you’ve told about me because you don’t think I’m good enough, you had better you confront that now than in person there.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2025 10:54

I suppose everyone was stone cold sober ?

if you leave your DH over this, you would be …..ill advised by pp.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/08/2025 10:57

MounjaroMounjaro · 02/08/2025 09:56

Ugh. He doesn't think you're good enough as you are. Well, he's not good enough as he is!

You need to squash this attitude of his instantly @ConcernedAndConfused94 by doing what MM has just said.

His response will tell you everything about whether you should give him another chance or not. Any hint of classism in his response and you'll need to bin him. Because if he can't instantly see why he's wrong, there is no way that you'll get him to see it further into the relationship.

MasterBeth · 02/08/2025 10:58

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2025 10:54

I suppose everyone was stone cold sober ?

if you leave your DH over this, you would be …..ill advised by pp.

Yeah, we all lie a bit and betray our partners when we've had a drink or two...

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 11:02

MasterBeth · 02/08/2025 10:58

Yeah, we all lie a bit and betray our partners when we've had a drink or two...

Show quote history

My goodness yes, two glasses of wine and I’m reminiscing about my years at Malory Towers/talking endlessly about hedge funds.

SkintSingleMumm · 02/08/2025 11:02

Hes embarrased about you. With no good reason to be. Its a red flag. 🚩 if lies trip off his tongue so easy, what else does he lie about?!

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2025 11:03

If you do decide to stay with him and put his mates straight, don't give him any warning, just do it. Be matter of fact, you've nothing to be embarrassed about. Unlike him.

ScruffyTrouserMindFlip · 02/08/2025 11:03

YANBU

SummerInSun · 02/08/2025 11:03

If you really care about him, then you give him ONE more chance, only. You sit down with him and explain calmly that you aren’t ashamed of who you are, your background, or your (incredibly worthwhile and socially important!) job. Tell him that he needs to think hard about why he lied and if it is because he is embarrassed by you, then that’s the end of the relationship - you can’t be with someone who is ashamed of you. And that you don’t approve of lying either. Tell him to take some time to think about it before he responds. How he does respond tells you all you need to know.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think any decent “wealthy” person would judge you for any of those things. I work in “the city” with people who have millions, and virtually every one of them would recognises that being a TA is an important and difficult job that most of them would be utterly incapable of doing. Nor would they judge you for where you grew up or where they went to school. They are sufficiently comfortable in their own skin not to be fussed by that sort of thing. Why isn’t your boyfriend?

Charabanc · 02/08/2025 11:05

SummerInSun · 02/08/2025 11:03

If you really care about him, then you give him ONE more chance, only. You sit down with him and explain calmly that you aren’t ashamed of who you are, your background, or your (incredibly worthwhile and socially important!) job. Tell him that he needs to think hard about why he lied and if it is because he is embarrassed by you, then that’s the end of the relationship - you can’t be with someone who is ashamed of you. And that you don’t approve of lying either. Tell him to take some time to think about it before he responds. How he does respond tells you all you need to know.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think any decent “wealthy” person would judge you for any of those things. I work in “the city” with people who have millions, and virtually every one of them would recognises that being a TA is an important and difficult job that most of them would be utterly incapable of doing. Nor would they judge you for where you grew up or where they went to school. They are sufficiently comfortable in their own skin not to be fussed by that sort of thing. Why isn’t your boyfriend?

A liar always lies. He won't change. "ONE" more chance will last until - when? She finds out that he's lied again?

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 11:05

SkintSingleMumm · 02/08/2025 11:02

Hes embarrased about you. With no good reason to be. Its a red flag. 🚩 if lies trip off his tongue so easy, what else does he lie about?!

Edited

That would worry me, too.

Studyunder · 02/08/2025 11:09

What a twat. What if you hadn’t overheard him? Would he have told you later about your made up history and expect you to lie forever? Does he not think you’re a long-term relationship so it doesn’t matter?
I’d be going to the wedding and casually mentioned something about your work and see how he reacts.
What a shitty thing for him to do. There’s no way you should ever have children with him and especially if unmarried.
Sorry you’ve had to experience this. What a let down for you 😢

NaeRolls · 02/08/2025 11:11

🚩🚩🚩

YourFairCyanReader · 02/08/2025 11:12

I was going to say that you could talk through the money and status values, and possibly resolve this. He could with some discussion grow up and understand that decent people no matter their wealth, will choose friends and relationships based on the person and not their schooling or income. You could get to a point where you can gently rib him and his friends for their housemaster and lacrosse, and they gently tease you in return for your state school, and it's just a nice relaxed thing that doesn't matter between friends.

But
He lied, not a white lie, proper absolute lies, and he doesn't think that matters. I dont think you can get past that because people like that don't change. Unfortunately I think I would end it over this.

Bgasfraudfraud · 02/08/2025 11:14

He’s a psycho and you are the only one in the room that doesn’t know it!

Run, run for the hills.

MustardGlass · 02/08/2025 11:18

Huge red flag. my opinion is he thinks you are disposable and they will never find out the truth or he can tell then you lied to him if they do find out.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 02/08/2025 11:22

Good friend in my youth she was a beauty therapist he was a doctor. They actually met because he was a client.
She was gorgeous, very well dressed and presented but he asked her at some point not to tell people what she did when in company around his friends and family.
She sort of fell in with it. Then he started ‘choosing’ clothes for her which she hated.
They broke up eventually because it all got a bit much. She then went on to have a successful chain of salons and did so well.
He’s been married three times (they still gave a few people in common) and can’t keep up with all the kids and exes he is supporting.
He is an idiot. If someone had asked you about your job in ‘finance’ you would have felt really ill at ease.
Get rid, because you sound like you are just keeping him company for now. Refreshing? He’s patronising.

TubeScreamer · 02/08/2025 11:42

Massive red flag. Run for the hills.

what is he saying about you at other times?

there is no point confronting him about it because how could you believe his explanation.

tara66 · 02/08/2025 11:51

Trouble with lying like that is you have to have a very good memory!

tara66 · 02/08/2025 11:56

Well Diana worked in a children's nursery before she married Charles so don't see what his problem is.

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 12:00

tara66 · 02/08/2025 11:56

Well Diana worked in a children's nursery before she married Charles so don't see what his problem is.

Charles lied to her but even he didn’t try to lie about her job.

PandaWriter · 02/08/2025 12:00

tara66 · 02/08/2025 11:51

Trouble with lying like that is you have to have a very good memory!

Also a very good imagination.

pictoosh · 02/08/2025 12:07

They can't have been close friends of his you were in the company of because surely they would soon realise that you do not in fact, work in finance? Is he really trying impress acquaintances?
It's a stupid lie. He'll seem an utter dick when he's caught out. How try-hard can he be?

Embarrassing, desperate, stupid and deceitful is what I get from that.

"It just sounds better doesn't it?"

It really does not.

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