Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

Either is a gamble, and youth wouldn’t guarantee that you don’t end up caring for your partner. If he makes you happy, why not just be happy with him? No-one knows what tomorrow will bring.

You're happy and compatible, I can't see why you wouldn't carry on as you are.

You probably won't find anyone like him.. pickings are slim out there. You got a good one.. I would stay

@AlertCat has nailed it. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, as they say.

If you were 20 and he were 47, or 25 and 52, I would think the age gap was a worry and the younger partner at risk of being rushed into a relationship which suits a middle-aged person without having the chance to take advantage of a footloose and fancy-free youth. Also, if you wanted children, again this could be a problem.

But neither of those things apply. You could find you’re in a carer role sooner than expected but that could happen any time even with a much younger partner.

And there is no certainty that you will find another younger man who ticks enough of the other boxes that your current partner ticks.

Ending your current relationship on the off-chance that a younger version of your current partner will come along seems very risky to me.

I agree with @AlertCat that no one knows what tomorrow brings. In a way, you can predict more with your current partner in that you know that as he takes good care of himself and barring any unexpected illnesses, you’re likely to be with him until you’re in your 60’s.

If you’re happy with that, why change anything?

Thanks for the responses. I'm suppose one of my concerns is about whether I feel psychologically prepared to be with someone who is 70 when I'm only 43 (in three years time). I know they say that age is just a number, but I feel uneasy about it. I'm not sure if I'm just being ageist. I'm a very young looking 40 year old, people regularly think I'm in my late 20s as I also look after myself very well. I just feel like 70 is old old, if you know what I mean.

I’m married to a man 26 years older than me and we’ve been married for 24 years. I was 30 and he was 56 when we married. Like your partner, he’s fit and keeps himself in shape. He’s been a wonderful dad to our children and I absolutely wouldn’t trade that for anything. I still love him deeply and he is the most caring, kind, selfless man who makes me feel loved and supported every single day.

However, he’s just turned 80 and I’m 54 which is the first time the gap has felt big. I’m anxious about the reality of retiring in a few years without him….

But saying that we have had, and are infact having, a wonderful life together and to have had that over a shorter period than a long, miserable marriage is definitely something I wouldn’t trade. If you love him stick with him is my advice!

I think, at 40, you must know what you want. Its not like you are a 20 year old girl falling prey to a 47 year old man... You are clearly in love, your partner sounds lovely - why throw it away because of the number? Be happy. Life is short, enjoy it.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

Nothing in what you have said suggests that you would feel better off without him

I think a large age gap is different when you are 40 and know you don't want children.

It wouldn't be for me but if you are happy amd compatible, then I don't see the problem.

Age isn't a guarantee of good health in any case.

I would rather have a great love for a shorter time than not at all.

This is a similar age gap to my Dad and Stepmum. You would be describing my Dad when they first met. I’d say they had 5 good years. My Dad now has Alzheimer’s and stepmum is his carer. She’s still young (62) and while I don’t doubt how much she loves my Dad, her life is not how I’m sure she imagined it would be at this age. I adore her and she’s wonderful but I do worry about her. I’d think very carefully about what your future could look like.

I used to work with someone 37, her partner was 73……..she purposely looked for someone over 60 when she was 29.

odd….

The one thing you don’t mention is love (sorry if I’ve missed something). If you truly loved this man you wouldn’t be asking this question, you would want to be with him even if you did end up as his carer when he became old and infirm. If you’re even considering ending the relationship because of his age in spite of all the positives you mention, then your feelings are not deep enough to ensure long term happiness, so it doesn’t really matter what you choose to do. It feels like you haven’t met the love of your life yet, regardless of how positively you describe this man.

I'm a similar age to you, I wouldn't start a relationship with someone that much older than me. You're already 3 years in now though and seen happy together, I think it would be stupid to give it up in the hope you will find someone else closer to your age. Maybe if you were in your 20s, but I'd say by 40 a lot of the good men are already married. I've been with my DH a long time but I have single friends who find the dating game very tough as there aren't many good options available.

Only read OP. It reads like you don't want to be a carer at a youngish age.

Are there children from a first marriage and if so is everything tidy vis a vis finances?

I'd be fast forwarding to when you are 53 and he's 80. Or 58 and he's 85.

Frailty descends swiftly but I imagine true love transcends it. If you get married could your assets have to fund care home fees?

I do love him very much, but yes the thought of being his carer worries me. I've always been quite wary of commitment anyway; I value my freedom greatly, hence no kids and wanting to live alone. I think that's just how I'm built. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love him, and yet maybe like you said my feelings aren't deep enough to want to commit. Maybe I'm not capable of deep love and I'm just inherently a bit selfish?

He has grown up children. He hasn't really brought me in on his finances but he has a big house with mortgage paid off which presumably could fund care home fees.
I can't imagine getting married and besides I don't think he would want to following his divorce over a decade ago.

@Saponaria Well, you live separately and have your own finances so you don’t HAVE to become his carer. You’ll still be working when he’s 80 so you wouldn’t really be able to, tbh.

If you decide to stay together, keep things the way they currently are. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to give up your life to care for him anyway.

Just saw your update about adult children. Definitely best to keep everything separate in that situation.

I wouldn’t want to be a carer either. But accidents and ill health happen, and youth is no guarantee of it not happening. You are still living separately, why not just continue as you are?

What's his relationship history? What's yours?

Does he have DCs - are they supportive of you?

Is the plan to continue living apart long term?

I'm 50 and my DH is nearly 70. He's fit and healthy but I'm realistic it could change at any time.

But I wouldn't change a minute of our time together. We've been together 12 years.

Agree with pps if you were 30 and he 57 that's different but as you are beyond child wanting age and happy with your life just enjoy it

I think if you go in eyes wide open - knowing you'll have limited good years together and won't be growing old together - then you may as well enjoy a good thing while it lasts!

You could die before him??

Age means absolutely nothing and if he makes you happy, and makes you feel good about yourself, then stick with him!

Yes, this worries me. However I also worry about trying to get back into the dating game when I'm even older and will have even fewer options. If he passed away and I'm in my 50s it could be really tough. Right now I'm still very attractive and youthful, and feel like I could have my pick of men, but I'm not sure how things will be in 10 years.