Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

70 is old old?! Jeez I hope not. It’s only 8 years away for me and I am fitter and earn more than I ever did when I was younger!

At age 43 it is, yes. It's all relative isnt it? when I was a child our next door neighbour had a baby at 42. I was horrified by that as a kid as 40 felt super "old" to me. Now I am actually in my 40s it doesnt feel old at all.

Ages 43 and 70 will have vastly different life experiences, different priorities/motivations and different levels of fitness and health. You cant get away from that- an age gap of 27 years is significant.

He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life.

What might concern me @Saponaria is his previous health issues.
If he has had heart issues, you don't say what they are.

People don't usually 'get over' heart issues if the heart is damaged in some way- it's usually managed with drugs or surgery to change valves or remove obstructions. Do you know the full story?

Likewise his cancer- what was it? Prostate, bowel, etc? Is he in remission or what?

I'd hope he wasn't minimising it and keeping the whole truth from you.

It may not change how you feel about him but you need the full picture.

I don't think you need to worry about that. I have found dating in my late 50s very enjoyable - I was so much more confident and "settled" in myself than I was in my 20s
But don't think you'll have "your pick of men" - there are probably more women dating at that age than men.

My stepfather is much older than my mother, and now he is in his 90's, yes of course, things have changed. He used to absolutely thrash her at squash and now he is frail and sometimes confused. He has mounting health issues. That is hard for her when she is still fit and active. BUT they have had a wonderful life and love together. So, yes, the future will change.... but I wouldn't walk away from the love of your life just because time catches up with all of us.

I guess it would depend how he ages. My FIL is 81 but very active and healthy. I guess none of us know how life will turn out so I would enjoy it. I know 40-somethings with worse health problems than him. My DP is 18 years younger than me, but again fingers crossed I'll stay healthy for a while

Mumsnet is full of stories of crap men - you have found a good one - keep hold of him!

Mumsnet is also full of stories of really crap and difficult older parents!

It’s lovely to hear how you met and how you get on. I am 52 and my partner is 79.

We met through a mutual group many years ago when our circumstances were different. Thought nothing of it, but one divorce and bereavement later we have found good company in each other, which has slowly turned to romance. He is kind and makes me laugh a lot.

We have a lot of shared interests, like being with each other and also like our own spaces (we live separately and no intention of moving in) and own hobbies. I’m under no illusion that I may have at best, 10 years of happiness, but frankly that is better than 30 years of unhappiness.

And I’m the one who has had a serious illness and more likely to pop her clogs first!

I hope you can make it work for as long as it is meant to be. Thank you for posting, it resonates.

You do seem a bit detached, OP, but perhaps that's just how you write. Here is a story I'm reminded of: I had a friend in her late 30s who'd been with her boyfriend, also late 30s, for 11 years. She was a quirky person and everyone agreed that she'd somehow managed to miraculously find the one man who was perfectly compatible with her, and indeed they had a great relationship. When her bioclock went off though, she started to question the relationship's future as the only thing she and her partner differed on was wanting children: she very much, he definitely not. In the end they couldn't agree and she binned him, then very soon - I think within six months - married someone she met on a dating site and had a child. Tragically, that child died at 11 or 12 of a rare infection, a complete fluke; she then split from her husband and has been alone since. My point being, you can arrange your life as rationally as possible, but that won't automatically guarantee a good outcome. My DH was a year older than me; we were supposed to grow old together, but he died suddenly (heart attack) at 57, a complete shock - so obviously choosing a partner who's your own age isn't a guarantee of future security either. What you can guarantee, though, is that your current partner is wonderful and, right now, you have the kind of relationship most people dream of.

I've also been in a long-term relationship with a 30-year age gap, and I always think people who view that as a dealbreaker must not have had the experience. I felt much closer to my partner when I was 30 and he was 60 than to the men my age that I'd been dating, because we were compatible in ways that had nothing to do with age. I just felt lucky that we were alive at the same time so we could meet and have whatever time we could have together.

God what an odd thread. Poster after poster cheerleading a woman in her prime dating an old codger her dad’s age. Super weird.

I am also surprised by the number of people encouraging the OP to stick with it when at her age she could easily meet someone else.
This man is just too old & he has had previous health problems. As you say, she on the other hand is in her prime.

Sorry I haven't returned to the thread until now when I saw it pop up on Active. I'm grateful for all the comments. I wish I'd done an AIBU poll as it would have been interesting to see the split in responses. It seems MN is split between romantics and pragmatists! I think the romantics have pretty much won it though.

There are lots of questions I'm not able to answer as it will be too outing, sorry, but I am digesting everything here and it is helping me to consider the situation from different angles..

This is really sad, if it's true (which it probably isn't). I would hope I'd never feel real disgust at my partner's body even at 80. His body would be a thing of wonder for getting him through so many years. It's him, his being and personality that I love. But who knows - maybe I would feel disgust. Afterall I am weirded out by the idea of him turning 70 in under 3 years. There's something tragic and sad about it all. I want him to be loved forever.

Sorry but no. I’m 50 my dad is 78 the very thought of me dating one of my dads friends from his old mans choir - eewww just no. And thrice no!

It will be real. It's Bel Mooney's column. She doesn't make things up.

Barbara Windsor's partner was much younger than her. You do know all men have different personalities and don't join a choir. Your dad is square unfortunately.

She could be with a younger man if she wanted to. The younger man may disappoint her in the bedroom where as at the moment the older man satisfies her needs. Life is for living not writing people off. My partners dad at 90 had a young woman on his arm and he did look good for his age. The key to looking young is not caring and enjoying life.

I can't imagine being with someone 27 years older than me and I'm in my early 50s. My DH is nearly 4 years older but I'm actually the one with more health issues, that's just the way the cookie crumbles (and they're not age related annoyingly). But for me it would be more that my partner of 27 years my senior would get frail quickly, 70 is still reasonably 'young', but 80 plus isnt - I have seen many relatives and friends' parents deteriorate quite quickly in their late 70s, 80s. However, anyone can become ill at any age, so I'd keep going and late fate take its course. And be prepared to be his carer.

My dad is certainly not square! He is super cool. But he is nearly 80 so his peers are not even anywhere near my radar sexually as I am 50. Just no.

And who cares what flipping Barbara Windsor does ?! Is she your life guide? Now what would Barbara Windsor do….heard it all now!!

She wouldn't do anything, she's dead isn't she?

Fair point but seems an odd person to hold up as a “well look who had a younger husband somit must be a good move”
example

I saw my friend's grandmother yesterday, bumped into her at shopping centre and we had a good chat. She was dressed in jeans and Converse and had just finished playing curling!

She's doing something most days - dancing, book groups, yoga, family get togethers. She's recently been on a "girls'" trip to Cyprus.

She sent me an Instagram follow request later that day.

She's just had her birthday. She's 91.

Men leave women who get longterm sick or a debilitating illness, it is some huge number. Women on the other hand invariably stay so karma is unlikely in this situation. I know in real life so many times when this has happened and my friends husband was told by his doctor he was lucky he was a he no a she when he got diagnosed with MS as he said the men all end up leaving but the women stay