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Original poster

Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

337 replies

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 20:17

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

OP posts:
Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 22:07

It's sounds like a better relationship than most people have so why wouldn't you stay? It sounds like you're very dependent on being in a relationship?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/07/2025 22:08

How old are his adult children? What do they think of you? Also I’d be curious to know how old your own dad is

Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 22:08

Pleasealexa · 27/07/2025 22:04

I wondered if you loved together because I suspect you might see a different man of you were together 24x7. I genuinely don't know many people who can keep on in late 60s and you are absolutely right to recognise 80 is very different to early 60s.

Do you plan on living together?

I think it depends on the person. There are some very lazy 40 yos!! My friends husband is 66 and he looks amazing, better looking and fitter than most of the 40yo I know

BruFord · 27/07/2025 22:09

@Saponaria I’m guessing that your partner is slightly younger than your parents?

If you’re concerned about what the future holds, perhaps look at them and their friends to see what things could be like health and activity-wise.

My Dad (87) was v. active until about three years ago, his mobility has gone downhill now. But he was fine well into his 80’s.

Gloriia · 27/07/2025 22:11

As others have said it doesn't matter how fit he is, we all age. Imagine having sex with an 80yr old by the time you're in your 50s. Yes there is more to a relationship than intimacy but it is usually an important part of it.

You're only 40! I would not saddle myself with an oap. He will naturally slow down and decline whilst you're at your peak. Draw a line, enjoy it for what it was but find someone of at the least the same decade agewise going forward would be my advice,

ManchesterLu · 27/07/2025 22:12

I have a 20 year age gap with my DP and been together 10 years. Honestly, it's great. I do have worries, but anyone can drop dead at any time. I could live to 85 and him 105 and both die of old age together! Or I could die tomorrow and he could be the one left alone. Worrying won't change anything. Do what makes you happy NOW.

Hygbridghhh · 27/07/2025 22:12

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 20:36

Thanks for the responses. I'm suppose one of my concerns is about whether I feel psychologically prepared to be with someone who is 70 when I'm only 43 (in three years time). I know they say that age is just a number, but I feel uneasy about it. I'm not sure if I'm just being ageist. I'm a very young looking 40 year old, people regularly think I'm in my late 20s as I also look after myself very well. I just feel like 70 is old old, if you know what I mean.

People tend to age in steps, one around 40, mid 60s and 80s. It's a biological thing where people suddenly get older and much less able in a step. This might be to come for you both and might make you see things differently but it hasn't happened yet

DoYouReally · 27/07/2025 22:12

Is there a reason you are so focused on the age gap now as opposed to 3 years ago when you met?

Did you just see it as fling initially and not expect it to go the distance?

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 27/07/2025 22:13

As you’re happily childfree I wouldn’t worry in advance - you can always break up if you change your mind in 1, 2, 3 years time.

I have sort of the opposite problem - mine is younger - and while I always have this nagging anxiety about it, I feel fairly secure as long as there’s no children involved complicating things. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.

Hygbridghhh · 27/07/2025 22:13

People tend to age in steps, one around 40, mid 60s and 80s. It's a biological thing where people suddenly get older and much less able in a step. This might be to come for you both and might make you see things differently but it hasn't happened yet

SecretGarden325 · 27/07/2025 22:14

Being completely detached about the whole thing, if you don't want to be his carer then at any point in the future you can end the relationship for any reason you like. If he has funds to fund round the clock care you can do what you like with your time.

If that feels cold then maybe you do love him enough to be his carer in future. But there's no reason to end a happy relationship now just because of what could happen.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 27/07/2025 22:15

DramaAlpaca · 27/07/2025 20:22

You're happy and compatible, I can't see why you wouldn't carry on as you are.

Absolutely this!

Be happy x

Original poster
Saponaria · 27/07/2025 22:16

Pleasealexa · 27/07/2025 22:04

I wondered if you loved together because I suspect you might see a different man of you were together 24x7. I genuinely don't know many people who can keep on in late 60s and you are absolutely right to recognise 80 is very different to early 60s.

Do you plan on living together?

No we don't plan on living together and I don't think I could live with him tbh! I think our relationship works because we're not in a domestic set-up. I don't think that's a failure of the relationship or an indicator that it's not a 'real' relationship, it's just the arrangement we are both happiest with and it really works. I think more couples would benefit from living separately.

However I'm now starting to realise that it's not the age gap that is the problem, I think its my own general fear of commitment. He is wanting a bit more certainty from me and I'm feeling unclear about my future and what I want. I'm feeling slightly panicked by turning 40 too. I've never really wanted to commit to anyone, so I think that's what this is about - it's an old pattern. I almost need to start a new thread, or book a therapy session!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saponaria · 27/07/2025 22:19

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/07/2025 22:08

How old are his adult children? What do they think of you? Also I’d be curious to know how old your own dad is

They're mid 20s to mid 30s. I've only met one of them.

My own dad passed away at 70.

OP posts:
Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 22:20

Perhaps you should let him go, he sounds like a good catch and I'm sure could find someone else. It woukd be cruel to wait for a few more years and then leave him when he's past that prime.

EastGrinstead · 27/07/2025 22:21

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 21:03

He has grown up children. He hasn't really brought me in on his finances but he has a big house with mortgage paid off which presumably could fund care home fees.
I can't imagine getting married and besides I don't think he would want to following his divorce over a decade ago.

Show quote history

You have said that the thought of being his carer worries you. Considering he has grown-up children and hasn't brought you in on his finances, this should not be your concern.

The real risk is that you might have to take early retirement to care for him, which could leave you significantly worse off financially in your later years.

herbalteabag · 27/07/2025 22:21

If you love being with him it seems a shame to end it and miss out on what could be another decade or more of happiness. You never really know what's around the corner, and you never know if you will meet anyone else you feel the same about.
I probably would not have started a relationship with someone that much older, but you're already together. My dad is married to someone about 20 years younger than him and even though he's in his 80s he is significantly healthier and fitter than her, although that's probably unusual.

Original poster
Saponaria · 27/07/2025 22:21

DoYouReally · 27/07/2025 22:12

Is there a reason you are so focused on the age gap now as opposed to 3 years ago when you met?

Did you just see it as fling initially and not expect it to go the distance?

It was definitely an experiment. The relationship has challenged my inherent ageism. I remember the first few times we went out in public together and I was worried that people would stare, but turns out they generally don't give a shit, lol

When we met he was 62/63 which is closer to 60, but now he is 67 which is closer to 70.

OP posts:
Funnywonder · 27/07/2025 22:22

3luckystars · 27/07/2025 21:05

You could die before him??

Age means absolutely nothing and if he makes you happy, and makes you feel good about yourself, then stick with him!

This happened with my lovely auntie who married a man 23 years older than her. She died in her fifties. It was such a shock because obviously that’s not how it’s ‘supposed’ to go, but life doesn’t always go as planned. He was her carer for a short while before she died.

You love him and should enjoy your life with him.

SouthernNights59 · 27/07/2025 22:24

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 20:36

Thanks for the responses. I'm suppose one of my concerns is about whether I feel psychologically prepared to be with someone who is 70 when I'm only 43 (in three years time). I know they say that age is just a number, but I feel uneasy about it. I'm not sure if I'm just being ageist. I'm a very young looking 40 year old, people regularly think I'm in my late 20s as I also look after myself very well. I just feel like 70 is old old, if you know what I mean.

I have friends in their 70s, and one who is 80, and none of them are "old old".

You have a partner who sounds perfect, and yet you are considering ditching him simply so you can be with someone your own age, and are already thinking ahead to dating in the future Hmm

Maybe instead of worrying about the future just enjoy what you have now.

Whippetlovely · 27/07/2025 22:24

Carry on, your too old to have children so that ship has passed. You seem happy to be with him and your obviously aware he will likely die way before you so what is the question about. Are you embarrassed of the age gap?

ilovepixie · 27/07/2025 22:24

My wonderful partner was 5 years older than me. He died of cancer 2 and a half years ago at the age of 59. No one knows what the future holds. If you love him stay with him, no matter how long you have together.

CreteBound · 27/07/2025 22:26

Well the chances are he’ll be dead by the time you’re 55/60. So it’s whether you’d want to be be single from then on or looking again really?

Snoken · 27/07/2025 22:26

Saponaria · 27/07/2025 22:21

It was definitely an experiment. The relationship has challenged my inherent ageism. I remember the first few times we went out in public together and I was worried that people would stare, but turns out they generally don't give a shit, lol

When we met he was 62/63 which is closer to 60, but now he is 67 which is closer to 70.

Edited
Show quote history

I don't think not wanting to date someone a whole generation older than you who is most like your parent's age is ageism. There is definitely stigma around much older men and younger women and the reverse, but it's still OK to not want the compromises that comes with being in a relationship with someone who is at such a difference stage of life. Doesn't mean you are discriminating.

Original poster
Saponaria · 27/07/2025 22:27

EastGrinstead · 27/07/2025 22:21

You have said that the thought of being his carer worries you. Considering he has grown-up children and hasn't brought you in on his finances, this should not be your concern.

The real risk is that you might have to take early retirement to care for him, which could leave you significantly worse off financially in your later years.

Show quote history

I can't see his grown up children stepping up to look after him at all. I don't know them well but from what he's told me they are struggling to look after themselves and aren't very emotionally mature. They rarely even ask how he is or show any curiosity or interest in his life or health, which makes me sad.

I definitely couldn't take early retirement. I don't have savings (I am working on it). I live alone and have a mortgage to pay for the next 30 years!

OP posts: