Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

My dad was 17 years older than my mum. She spent the entirety of her 60s being his carer as he developed parkinsons disease. All her friends in same age marriages were travelling and enjoying retirement together.

My nan always advised me "Better to be a young man's darling, than an old man's carer". And that was before my dad got ill.

So personally I have never dated anyone older than me.

It is however much more unlikely that her partner, who had already had a number of health issues, will still be in good health when he is late eighties early nineties.

my parents and aunts and uncles are mid seventies to late eighties. Health has taken a sharp downturn. They have all had various health scares, health issues and they are all really slowing down. All previously very fit and healthy, access to private health care and all took very good care of themselves:

people make really silly comments about people in their eighties and ninties having the same chances of being hit by a bus. But elderly people do experience poorer health, it is just an indisputable fact of life:

Thank you.

You are talking about 70 as if it's 90!

Most 70 year olds I know are still in great health and very active. You view seems very negative.

I think it's not a case of if you can life him but more a case of do you want to life without him now given what the last three years have been like.

Dont do it. I managed a large care home, and the number of exhausted, defeated late middle aged women desperate for respite for their elderly and completely infirm husbands was so sad to see. Care fees took all the women had - and left them with little, just as they were heading into early old age. I'd never had any issue with age gaps until I held that job. It completely changed my view.

Honestly it wouldn’t be a choice I would make. He will be 80 and you’ll be 53?? That’s a bigger age gap than me and my Dad.

Carry on, your too old to have children so that ship has passed.

Yikes @Whippetlovely, I had my children at 41 and 45. The ship was still well and truly in the dock🤣 But the OP has said she doesn’t want children anyway.

It seems foolish to give up on such a good relationship. Some people might seem really old at 70, but he doesn't sound like he will be one of them (and I'm not so far off - 70 sounds old but I have friends that age and older and they are just the same as they have always been.)

I doubt anyone wants to be a carer - it could happen to anyone though. My dad is still active and independent, never had an illness or major medical condition and he is in his 90s.

Maybe seek therapy for your commitment issues.

I was about to post that if you don't live together, does it matter? I don't think you have an obligation to care for him if you don't share a home.
But then I saw : He is wanting a bit more certainty from me

What form does this certainty take? What is it he wants from you? More commitment? More time cohabiting?

It would be really sad to end such a satisfying relationship, and arguably there is no need. Your DP lives separately and independently from you, which suits you both, and he has children as his next of kin. If he did become very unwell mentally or physically, you would not automatically become his carer. Perhaps he wouldn't even want you to. You could offer to remain as his lover and/or companion and support him just by being in his life. At some point you may decide to leave him - painful, but that can happen for all kinds of reasons whatever the ages.
Can you talk together about all this? It might be painful but could lead to some resolution that felt OK to you both.

I think we all spend a lot of time worrying about the future and what it may or may not be. But ultimately all that really exists is the present. If he makes you happy and you find the relationship fulfilling now, I wouldn't end for a hypothetical person.

I appreciate you feel you will have your pick of men but from the horror stories I hear from single friends, the pickings are slim. I would just do what makes you happy now.

This is an interesting perspective, thank you.

None of us know when our time is up.
I'd rather have the real love in my life for any short time than give it up trying to spare myself the pain of it's loss.

My husband is alot older than me and yes I'm sure that will mean I'll outlive him. But what's the alternative? You read on here about so many awful marriages and also so many lonely people.
I'd rather have what I have for a little while tbh. Than give it up just because I'm going to be sad when he dies.

And you don't always know how it will play out. My parents were the same age as each other yet my mum was still widowed in her early 60s.
My husbands parents had a big age gap yet his dad, the older by 17 years, is the one still alive now in his 90s and travelling the world still.

And this is less complicated because you don't have kids or live together.

Honestly I'd personally say that if you love this man and the time you spend together enriches your life, don't give that up to try and be 'sensible' about your future. Nothing is a given. Enjoy what you have now.

Mid 40s and feel exactly like this. I bet it's common.

@Saponaria I think the fact he is almost the age your Dad died at, is also spooking you. Understandable given you say you have a fear of commitment. I would say, enjoy this as you are doing and don’t overthink it. Anything can happen, any day, to any of us - and living by ‘what if’ isn’t always helpful.

Thank you. I really appreciate all the responses on this thread.

But if you have totally separate finances and households no one can force you to become responsible for him should he become infirm. I think that if you don't even want to help arrange a quality care package I'd query your love - you could assist him and retain your independence.

No he doesn't use Viagra. It's all good on that front. I guess everyone is different and he is one of the lucky ones.

Men usual decline rapidly from 70, affecting almost all the attributes you've mentioned. If it's his personality you love the most, that will probably change from 75/80.
Before I'm stamped on, I'm sure there are men who stay hot and smokin, with no "old man" worrying or doddering, but it's very unusual.

Well my husband died at 38, and my relation is full time carer to her husband who’s 50. Shit happens at any age. If I was you I’d grab him with both hands and hang onto him. You don’t live
together so don’t have to make any caring commitments should that arise.

This stood out to me, like you seem somewhat hung up on wanting to believe both of you are somehow "really" younger than your ages. I'm wondering why, and if that effects your ability to be realistic about your differing life stages.

He doesn't sound like a fifty-year-old to me, as you stated elsewhere on here. He sounds like a 67 year old.

And you might think you look younger than everyone else your age, but 40 actually just is relatively youthful. It's when the aging signs are first start to show up for a lot of people. When you're fifty, it'll be different.

So, how about starting with this: he's 67 and you're 40, period, and not exempt from the normal aging processes in any way. Better to start with that, I think?

We know a couple with the same age gap (they have a child together). Now the guy is nearly 80 and the kid is mid teens the guy is basically a SAHP who naps a lot, the lady is casually dating on apps. Unfortunately in his mid 70’s he slowed down very dramatically and suddenly (was travelling internationally for consultancy work regularly until about 73). They’ve agreed in the circumstances to an open relationship but it’s only really open on one side. We assume the kid is unaware. She still really loves him.

This is also a good point ☝🏼

I say you do you, as long as you’re comfortable in the relationship…it’s literally no one else’s business. I mean if George clooney or Jeffrey dean morgan were to ever look my way I wouldn’t say no. They are 27 & 22 years older than me.

I'd consider yourself lucky if he is fit and well. My husband is the same age as me and we are both mid 60s but he has long standing diabetes. It has aged him biologically by at least 10 years, if not more. I'm starting to notice this now and think I will either be his carer or widowed within 10 years. The thing is, we love each other very much so I'm focused on getting the most out of the retirement years we can share.