New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

Urgh my husband does this and I realised in part it bugged me because he wasn’t ‘listening’ to me. Not that I was saying verbally ‘I like a bit of time to myself to reset’ but he wasn’t noticing I liked that downtime. He now suggests ‘let’s chill here until x and then go out’ which sits better with me.

I also find as a working mother I spend 95% of my waking hours responding to external questions or requests. I need two or thee quiet hours while my DH takes them swimming to find my own train of thought again.

It’s not lazy either- maybe you are just slightly introverted and need time to recharge and find your own impetus.

My late DH HAD to be at the gym first thing (6am Saturday) to swim. Great - he went on his own (at your age - I married at 40 - I had two small kids so one had to mind them anyway). Then he’d come home collect the kids and go back with them for a couple hours so I could have a break. Then the afternoon seemed to be sport watching for him childcare for me and on Sunday we often went out somewhere as a family. He did spend two to three hours at some point doing house admin stuff (he also had an ex family he supported).
So no, we did not spend the weekend totally doing stuff together. It was a mix. I remember at one point I did a course at a local adult education centre so he had the kids while I did that. So basically one day doing our own thing/or with kids, one day all together.
Oh and we had a cleaner so no one was deep cleaning anything!

I suggest a cleaner, or he puts his extra energy into deep cleaning the house on a Thursday evening so you have less to do at the weekend so you can spend more time with him. But it does sound like you spend all your time doing what he enjoys. I spend all my free time with my OH, wouldn’t want it any other way but if they were suggesting 8 hour hikes every weekend I’d be telling them to crack on while I chill at home.

we’ve been married 10 years next year so deffo not going to change the amount of time we spend together

A lot of people jumped on me for this phrasing.

I was expecting a lot of people would say it was just like this in the first few years and you settle in later more.

I thought this might be a "recently married" thing, as I've noticed my married friends do things seperately more often but they all got married 20 years ago.

It might seem like we've been together a long time, but there was seperate houses an hour apart, kids, jobs and so on so I think there's definitely a bit of a novelty element involved in being together every day.

This definitely sounds like us and I think DH would understand perfectly if I suggested this

He needs to join a cricket team. Gets him out of the house for much of the day and he'll make more friends.

My DH plays cricket on Sundays in the summer and goes to football most weekends in the season so I get at least one day a weekend to myself to chill and/or potter.

As I have an opportunity to speak to women, this may or may not sound terrible but I do think my DH doesn't get that my self care routine takes longer than his does. Or he gets it, but he just says I look pretty in a bin bag or however I am but he doesn't understand I don't feel pretty if I feel a mess.

He gets in the shower, he's out in 5 minutes, dried, dressed, brush teeth and he's ready. He trims his nails and beard once a week and it takes about ten minutes.

I seem to take longer. I dont want to sound prissy but showering if I shave and exfoliate and so on takes ten minutes, then I need to factor in skincare, haircare, makeup routine, moisturising, nails etc etc

Don't get me wrong, I'm not Elizabeth Taylor, but if I get rushed every time I'm getting ready then I don't feel nice. Like stubbly legs, chipped nails, dry skin and so on.

We joke because I have three levels of getting ready.

Level 1 = I shower but don't wash my hair or shave and then I just do "daily" makeup which is basically just a bit of blush and mascara.

Level 2 = 40 minutes and that involves washing hair and quick blow drying it, a very quick leg shave and a bit of skincare like moisturiser along with light makeup.

Level 3 = 2 hours and that involves watching a movie while I do it, trying on clothes, nice makeup and so on but mostly it involves my hair looking great.

So basically I have curly hair that needs a lot of care and if I leave it to dry or don't style it, it's like Monica in friends with the humidity.

So I just put it in a bun on top of my head and just wander around with stubbly legs a lot then I feel a bit embarrassed if he rubs them or something.

I hope this doesn't come across as precious or vain, but I used to feel a sense of confidence from taking good care of skin and hair and so on and now I feel a lot of the time like I'm not at my best.

I think that weekly thing where you have a bubble bath and a face mask and exfoliate sort of sets you up for the week to feel tidy, or even a bit sexy.

Make any sense? I think me adding this to my Friday routine would make all the difference as I miss feeling well put together!

I'm self employed and I used to get my alone time/space, my 'me' time, and my house admin time while dh was at work. Covid lockdown and then dh's retirement put paid to that!

It was quite an adjustment getting used to dh being always around. He also has lots of active hobbies and like to be out and about. He's quite self-motivated and we'll often do things together, but it's those cold wet days in November that still get to me. He huffs and puffs around, unhappy about the weather and pacing like a caged animal. On days like that I'm more than content to tidy some cupboards or spend the day cooking. tbh I tend to keep out of his way.

dc have left home and we've reconfigured some of our rooms so at least dh has his own 'office' (I've always had my office space), and I banish him there if he starts complaining Domestically he's in charge of laundry and gardening, I'm in charge of food. We also have a cleaner, so at least once a week there's an early morning hour of tidying and putting away, before the house is cleaned.

This is really not good.

I went out all of Friday and Saturday this week. Today, I've stared at a screen for most of the day. If someone was hovering or pacing, I'd lose my shit ... because I'm tired and want to be left alone. I wouldn't actually yell, etc.

Hell no. We are married, not conjoined twins.

My DH is an action man, I wave him off to do his many, many hobbies which make him happy and fulfilled. I'm an introvert with a very people-y job, I need a day on the sofa reading a book at the weekend to recharge my social battery.

We are both very happy doing different things.

Oh no, not the man who thinks that things are done magically and expects you to be onthe same time/energy level as him. My maternal grandad used to be by the door expecting us all to be ready when I was a kid and it got on my nerves. Why doesn't he go to the gym/a run/bike ride early and burn off energy? You can relax and have a lie in on Saturday, have a bubble bath, do your beauty care and relax. Clearly he needs better listening skills and patience and you need to be firm and voice your needs too. Does he not understand about peri and the impact on energy levels? Your husband needs to understand all this and how he can enjoy some exercise on a weekend morning whilst you sleep in and do your self-care needs. I am exhausted just readimg about him sayimg let's do xyz, up and out in minutes etc. Striking a balance is the obvious answer and you don't need to be joined at the hip every weekend.

He's stripped an entire fence of vines in the garden and he's now outside in a massive pile of branches looking so happy as he chops them into tiny bits.

I've listened to the radio and chatted on mumsnet and reorganised the stationary drawer. Im about to make home made pizzas. Bliss.

This, however, is good!

My husband is a bit like this and in the past it has driven me mad.
Constantly wants to be doing and it made it worse after Covid as he wfh permanently whereas I work hybrid so am out 2 to 3 days a week.
when I get back from office days I just want to crash whereas he’s itching to go out. He hasn’t had 49:59 minute journey each way that I have so last thing I want is to go out.
we’ve reached compromise though at weekends so if weather nice we do one day out of a weekend and one day in. We kind of share chores so housework gets done eventually.
Id say tell him to go out on his own if you need time at home or share the household chores in the week if you can.

If you want to stay in this marriage, action man needs to start doing more housework or the two of you need to agree to bring in a cleaner.

On top of that, you need to be allowed a mix of active and restful recreation on the weekends. You don’t have to spend every minute together.

My XH and I had a lot of problems, but in the end I summed it up with one phase: we had very different ideas about how to spend a Saturday.

this is a fundamental mismatch in the relationship. Neither of you are right or wrong. You need to find a compromise that lets both of you live as the people you actually are or your marriage will fail. Don’t try to make yourself into someone you are not.

I’d say Saturday you spend the day together doing something you both want to do.
sunday you divide your chores.Dh gets up does his chores and goes out. You lay in and do your chores at a leisurely pace

If you want to stay in this marriage, action man needs to start doing more housework or the two of you need to agree to bring in a cleaner.

This. And if you’re run off your feet to the point that you can’t do your hair and shave your legs, then something needs to change

OP you’re allowed your perfectly valid preferences! You’re no more lazy & precious than he is a pestering grot bag. You just like different things- his way isn’t ‘right’

My DH & I have one day/afternoon on holiday we both do what we want. He invariably charges off in the midday sun to tick off all the niche archaeological stuff in the guide book and I get a coffee and people watch. I’m sure half mumsnet will think my afternoon is a waste and half will think his sounds tortuous!

Weekly?
Umm I have minimum an hour in the bath every night, bubbles, book.
Always have done always will
It's bliss!!

I also wonder if you miss that relaxing feeling of having a house for yourself. DH and I are together for nearly 30 years and I really struggle if I don’t have time to potter around the house ON MY OWN. I’m lucky that he likes slow mornings/ days as well but it’s not only about being slow it’s about being slow (or maybe quick) but on my own.

“that weekly thing where you have a bubble bath and a face mask and exfoliate”… 😳

OMG I last had a bath in 2013… But then again, I spend hours listening to opera!

we all have our quirks and foibles, and your DH needs to learn to accept yours 😀

Perhaps you need to swap chores; you do the washing up and a bit of tidying while he deep cleans. Some of his energy could be used up like that. And see if you can agree on a timeframe, eg finish deep cleaning 2 rooms on Saturday and get the laundry hung up before you go out anywhere.

Sounds like big outdoor garden projects might help, too, if he's happy with his vine removal.
I imagine you're too urban for this but where we are some of our friends have a cottage or remote cabin . He could use some of his tremendous energy building/improving it or hiking around it while you relaxed in it by the lake/river/view. But presumably that doesn't work from London.

I think this is simple. I think the housework and his need for action is a smokescreen about the real issue.

This is about listening to and, more crucially, taking action- to meet each others needs. As another poster says, your needs are as legitimate as his- they may be different but no less valid. I can understand that you were able to balance things differently before you were living together. Possibly- and no judgement here- because you were able to prioritise his need for action you gave the impression that this was what you actually liked doing with all your spare time.
Few questions-
Have you told him what your needs are, without apologising?
Has he listened?
Is he emotionally available?

Also- I’d stop branding yourself as lazy. I think that’s very harsh on yourself.

Sending you a hug and an invitation to find your voice ❤️

@JustNeedToVegOut

hmm your husband doesn’t sound the cleanest to be honest. Does he floss ? tongue scrape? Trim pubes? Doesn’t sound like it with those time frames. He’s the one who needs to change here, not you.