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Original poster

New husband: Weekends!

274 replies

JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 13:06

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 27/07/2025 15:50

I’ve been with my DH for 26 years, married 24, we discovered quite early on that we were both happier if we had some time apart, even on holidays we tend to have a couple of afternoons doing different things. Otherwise we get grumpy with each other and we don’t always want to do the same things, we have different energy levels. I also think it’s important to have friends and interests apart. We were long distance for a couple of years and I think that time apart makes you value time together more.

On weekends we’ll have a day or an afternoon doing something together. Which at the moment is fairly novel as we have older teens and for about 16 years we were running around after them for most of every weekend!

Clarabell77 · 27/07/2025 15:51

Compromise is the only way. You spend a day doing something he enjoys and a day doing what you enjoy - if that means you having a day to yourself and him going out doing his active stuff then do that. I’d be the same as you, I like a day at home.

Rocknrollstar · 27/07/2025 15:53

Get a cleaner and be prepared to spend sometime apart.

Andthatrightsoon · 27/07/2025 15:54

Have a nice day, darling. See you later! Shut front door. Sorted.

Thricewomen · 27/07/2025 15:56

It sounds like part of the problem is that until now you have, for whatever reason, kept up with him and his activities. And now you are saying you don’t want to. You’ve set an expectation you can’t meet. I’d be a bit pissed off if I was him.

I’m with him - it’s mental to stay in to ‘deep clean’ whilst the sun is out.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango2023 · 27/07/2025 15:57

Me and my hubby have been married 5 months (together 4 years). I'm the one who gets aggy if I don't get out and about. He's the one that's happy for a quiet life.

We work completely opposite shifts as we have a 2 year old and no family support. We are lucky if we get a day a week to spend together as a family.

I do my thing of getting out and about with friends/play dates when I'm off. He tends to prefer to chill out on his days off. We both have 2 days a fortnight that DS is in nursery on our days off so that for those 2 days whoever is off can have some time to themselves and do whatever they want to do and the one day a week we have off together we save for family time. It works really well for us but we have never been the type of couple that is joined at the hip.

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/07/2025 15:58

Do you have a garden, OP? If so, I would encourage him to go out there and tire himself out! You could smile and wave from your sofa.

ginasevern · 27/07/2025 15:58

Does he ever do anything you want to do at the weekend? I mean, do you ever want to go for a leisurely lunch, visit a castle or garden centre or something. Why does it always have to be an 8 hour boot camp to totally suit him? He sounds like a self absorbed arse to be honest. Also, you seem a bit obsessed with deep cleaning and housework. Get a cleaner and go and enjoy life.

Original poster
JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 16:00

PIayer456 · 27/07/2025 15:48

I think you’re focusing too much on the being married part. So what if you’re married for two years, or twenty? You’re individuals and finding a balance that suits you for weekends is important, regardless of your marital status. You should both be willing to compromise, but acknowledge that you have different expectations so won’t be joined at the hip all weekend long.

I suppose it's because I was used to being on my own so adjusting to proper life as a couple is quite new to me

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 27/07/2025 16:00

Peridot1 · 27/07/2025 13:16

He needs to take up that very outing hobby of cycling.

Lol

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 27/07/2025 16:02

Thricewomen · 27/07/2025 15:56

It sounds like part of the problem is that until now you have, for whatever reason, kept up with him and his activities. And now you are saying you don’t want to. You’ve set an expectation you can’t meet. I’d be a bit pissed off if I was him.

I’m with him - it’s mental to stay in to ‘deep clean’ whilst the sun is out.

He’s not going through peri menopause though is he? Things can, and do change in relationships, you cannot expect things to stay the same as you age. Presumably someone has to do some sort of cleaning, sunny or not?

Original poster
JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 16:02

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/07/2025 15:58

Do you have a garden, OP? If so, I would encourage him to go out there and tire himself out! You could smile and wave from your sofa.

Yes actually since I stopped to talk here he sort of wandered off and I found him in the garden pruning bushes!

OP posts:
Original poster
JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 16:03

ginasevern · 27/07/2025 15:58

Does he ever do anything you want to do at the weekend? I mean, do you ever want to go for a leisurely lunch, visit a castle or garden centre or something. Why does it always have to be an 8 hour boot camp to totally suit him? He sounds like a self absorbed arse to be honest. Also, you seem a bit obsessed with deep cleaning and housework. Get a cleaner and go and enjoy life.

Yeah, we do. He likes doing all that stuff too. He likes doing anything that isn't vegging.

OP posts:
OneCalmFish · 27/07/2025 16:04

JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 13:22

Thanks. I think when we were dating part of the fun was being busy with adventures every weekend but now I'm just struggling to keep up!

Do other married people do everything together at weekends? I like doing everything together, newlyweds and all that but his idea of a walk is 8 hours and after that I'm limping!

Be honest tell him you need to start taking Saturday for you to do the cleaning and chores and he can spend his day doing whatever he wants without you then you can both have a fun day Sunday. Rotate days even but one day has to be for housework. Your post made me lol I’m the homebird and the other half is the caged lion. We don’t need to do everything together compromise is needed x

Pyrus · 27/07/2025 16:05

We like being outdoors, married 20 years, but will do a few jobs first, I couldn't have a whole day indoors unless I was ill.
Let him have a day to himself and you have a day deep cleaning or doing your nails, life is short.

SeriaMau · 27/07/2025 16:05

CatCollector · 27/07/2025 15:24

He actually sounds really controlling and the opposite of fun.

Show quote history

Yay, finally getting into the mumsnet vibe! LTB!

Shinyandnew1 · 27/07/2025 16:06

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

I'd tell him that I'd be ready quicker if he helped.

You say he washes up whereas you do the deep cleaning? I presume he's washed up because you've cooked? That means the deep cleaning needs to be shared!

SurroundedByEejits · 27/07/2025 16:06

JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 15:44

Genuinely I do feel knackered since peri menopause started.

Show quote history

It has that effect on many women. It also often affects pain levels and especially joint pain. Then there's the brain fog. OMG, the brain fog!!

There are a couple of good resources for this stuff that could help him understand your position, Dr Louise Newsom is a UK-based specialist and Mary Claire Haver is a US-based specialist who often looks at the latest research and how it relates to women and menopause. I'm sure there are loads more out there.

If you haven't yet been given HRT, that's a good place to start. Using that early on in the journey has a lot of proven preventative benefits for heart and urinary tract health, among other things.

Sorry, this has veered a bit off topic! But the upshot is that he will have to step up more to support you, and manage those household tasks that are wearing you out. Exercise is good, but not at the expense of your overall wellbeing if it's centred around his preferences, not your needs.

Good luck!

HangryRedHiker · 27/07/2025 16:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn as it was accidentally posted in the wrong place.

andweallsingalong · 27/07/2025 16:08

Would he be happy to compromise by doing more chores so you could wind down whilst he did them, then head off together?

ForTipsyFinch · 27/07/2025 16:09

I’m 34 and long term single, so not married but even if I were in a relationship I don’t see any need for every activity to be a joint one. No need to be joined at the hip.

ForTipsyFinch · 27/07/2025 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn as it was accidentally posted in the wrong place.

I think you’ve posted in the wrong place accidentally.

NellitheNelephant · 27/07/2025 16:13

Some men make me laugh so much. Cleaning the house burns up a lot of energy too. Boring for some, I'll admit. But it does take quite a lot of energy. Op, how do you catch up with the housework if you're out all weekend?

holysmokee · 27/07/2025 16:14

Me and DH spend all of our free time together pretty much, we’re pretty inseparable outside of work commitments, basically we come as a package deal. I however wake up early to feed, muck out and exercise the horses everyday but since it’s my interest and not his I don’t expect him to come along- he does at least three or four times a week but not because I ask.

If DH took up skiing or something I would be super supportive but I wouldn’t be joining in regularly.

Nicaveron · 27/07/2025 16:15

JustNeedToVegOut · 27/07/2025 13:06

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

I’d just do the minimum and get a weekly cleaner. Cleaner can change bed put on fresh linen put dirty laundry in a wash etc. it will make all the difference. As well as just general cleaning of bathroom kitchen ands living areas.