New husband: Weekends!

[JustNeedToVegOut]

This one isn't a big drama or anything but I've been married just over two years and I have a question for people who've been married a longer time.

We are older (mid 40s) grown up kids (not with each other) and have been together 8 years, living together for almost 3 years.

Happy, in love, all good, but we have a weekend needs mismatch!

For me, the weekend is for fun and adventure but also rest, not having to get up early, deep cleaning the house, doing paperwork etc. I really need at least a day a week to feel organised with laundry, shopping, a bit of a lie in etc.

My husband is basically action man. He plans all sorts of things, generally both weekend days, often with early starts and they're very physical and I can often barely move once we get in nevermind do chores.

I'm not as young as I once was so I find if I'm at work all day or out for the day, once I'm in and sort dinner / daily things I'm bloody knackered and just want a couple of hours relaxing before bed.

I've tried telling hubby I need time on weekends just to veg or get the weeks chores done, but he starts pacing around and getting frustrated. He pretty much always needs to be outside. He hates being indoors at all.

As a result the house got quite dirty, the laundry piles up and I feel like my self care is dropping. So for example I often don't have shaved legs or nails done and it's making me feel stressed out.

Before you suggest he gets hobbies, he already has loads. The man is an energy machine and goes to various clubs and so on but they're all on weeknights. If he had his way I'd basically be hiking 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday.

I do tell him all this but it boils down to different needs and as we're newly married and I've not been married before I don't really know what compromises work or how married people deal with this type of mismatch.

He does share chores BTW, equally, but tends to do different ones. I'm all about organising a deep cleans whereas he does washing up etc. He's a bit younger than me (45 vs 48) and he's extremely fit whereas I'm not!

Posting today as I'm in the middle of deep cleaning the bathroom, not showered yet, and he's at the door saying "shall we go out while the suns out?"

Love him to bits, we're so happy, but I was quite set in my routines of how I lived. Any help?

That’s a bit rude tbh. Would you say that to someone’s face?

A "proper" life as a couple involves doing things alone and FOR each other. I'm not sure your excitable puppy husband has grasped this concept

I was going to ask you about that. I am the same age is you.
Up until a couple of years ago I was exactly like your husband - had to be out every single time the sun shone from first thing in the morning until sunset, climbing mountains, hiking, swimming in lakes, coming home, showering, going out again to play music etcetc.
And then, perimenopause hit and that was the end of that.
I have 3 days off a week and whereas I'd previously be out on 2 or 3 of those days without fail, I just can't manage it any more. I'm completely knackered and I need to have one day off pottering around the house, cleaning, doing laundry, sorting stuff out I don't have the energy for when I'm working, preparing for the next week of work (I'm self-employed). Once I've had a day off I can then do something outdoorsy on one or both of the days I have free - it depends how I'm feeling at the time. In the last couple of months I've been more tired with more perimenopause symptoms so I've done fuck all.

Perimenopause affects everyone differently and it sounds to me like it's affecting you so that you can't be going out hiking both days on the weekend. He doesn't have that problem so he's full of energy and raring to go.
Your body is telling you that you need the time off to recover. Explain this to him and say that you're more than happy to do an activity on one of the other weekend days but on the other day you need to be at home catching up on housework and relaxing a bit to let your body recover from the working week. He can go out on that day if he wants, you aren't stopping him.

It's concerning to me that you can't just tell him to bugger off and leave you in peace for a few hours.

I think you probably have different body clocks, we do, not so obvious when life revolved round work and children but in semi retirement I have reverted to full night owl. After some compromises we get up completely separately and each start the day our own way.
With regard to activity it may be that keeping active is how he looks after his mental health, for you a combination of down time and feeling on top of organisation is what works.
Getting out and about is good for you but you can have too much of a good thing!

Get a cleaner - and he needs to do his share of whatever additional deep-cleaning etc is needed, not just the daily bits and bobs like washing up

Get fit - you’ll feel way more energetic and less stressed and worn out

He needs a hobby - cycling, golf, running marathons….. whatever

You need a hobby - maybe something cultural, theatre, concerts, exhibitions

@HangryRedHiker we've withdrawn your post so you can start your own thread. Hope that helps but do let us know if you have any questions.

Ah thanks, I definitely need to look into it more. I've found I'm definitely getting achy joints and a huge yes on the brain fog!

I don't think I've fully expressed myself well on this thread, but I really DON'T feel like he doesn't share chores, because he does.

I just have a lazy side and he doesn't. And I get a sort of mindful pleasure from the silence of organising things at home. Sounds weird probably but it relaxes me.

So for example organising the pantry, or taking a day to organise my wardrobe when the season changes. Even just spending an afternoon with a movie and some crisps.

I do manage the more "deep" cleaning things, although he does help, the difference between us is more that he recharges his batteries with activity and adventure and I recharge mine with more mindful and often home-related activities.

I'm not sure I really noticed it at first, although I do feel tired by constant day trips, I am never not glad I went. It's just that over time I see I'm not getting time to do things I quite like doing.

I used to do things like plan the weeks menu and try new recipes I'd spend all afternoon on. Now we just pop to Tesco and have chicken salad every day.

I am not sure if I'm explaining it well. I'm also wondering if maybe I just need a day alone. I could start taking Fridays off work and doing the things I used to do when I was alone. I'm free to do that I suppose, wouldn't be an issue with work.

Moreover I think going from living with just your kids for 25 years to living with a partner is definitely an adjustment, although I love it it's funny that I've realised I just got used to doing only what I wanted!

I am not sure if I'm explaining it well. I'm also wondering if maybe I just need a day alone. I could start taking Fridays off work and doing the things I used to do when I was alone. I'm free to do that I suppose, wouldn't be an issue with work

I know exactly what you mean. I love my husband dearly, but I’m always glad when he has to travel for work. I’m happy when he gets home, but those few days on my own are very precious.

However, it is also very important to me to maintain my own interests the rest of the time and do stuff on my own or with friends.

Yeah, it honestly only dawned on me recently how much less energy I have. I used to juggle work and kids and was always racing around or doing chores at 10pm and now I just don't feel able to keep up.

I'm looking out the window and he's up a ladder having stripped an entire fence of a vine that was growing into it. He probably doesn't mind if I want more time to veg, I probably have to just communicate and find compromise.

DH plays golf one day at the weekend, only this week he played Friday and has been home for 2 days. And frankly I'm now evil because he's given me no space. "can you just move this with me", "can we sort this drawer out" and so on. It's exhausting, whereas on a Sunday, I usually get up slowly, do the washing/ironing, take the dogs for a long slow walk... and watch crap on Netflix once I'm done.

I need my space. And it's OK to need yours, OP. His behaviour sounds a bit manic - I'd tell him that you love doing an activity over the weekend but 1 is enough and you also need unwind time so he needs to occupy himself that day.

100% this is how he looks after his mental health. I get that. He's also a morning person and I'm a night owl.

But I think part of my own mental health involves getting a day every week where I don't need to go anywhere.

Enjoy the sun OP.amd save the deep cleans for the darker days.

I think this is really easy to solve. 50/50 split One day action. One day lie in, chores, pamper, set yourself up for the week ahead. Or one weekend away of full on action. next weekend, stay home, potter and maybe just go for a walk, cycle, run or swim for half a day. As long as this doesn't slide into you being the dogsbody while he MAMILs his way around the local hills, there's no problem.

When DC were small I used to have a 1 hour house blitz first thing on Saturday morning - everyone strips their bed, sorts their dirty laundry into piles, and everyone does a quick chore - hoover or mop or bathroom or dust and polish or tidy toys. Then the house is in a reasonable state, the laundry for the week ahead is sorted ready to be washed over the course of the weekend, and the rest of the day is clear to have fun, go out or chill at home. You could suggest this - lie in, breakfast then a whirlwind of organising the week ahead for the rest of Saturday morning - cleaning, gardening, car wash, weekly shop, admin. That leaves Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday for activities without anything hanging over you, and then Sunday evening free to soak in a bath, pamper yourself and watch trashy movies or have an early night with a novel.

Yep this is really good advice.

I think I'm going to do the following

1. get a cleaner once a month and use a laundry service so I dont need to do bigger tasks as much

2. take Friday or half day Friday off work so I get my alone time where I can sod about reorganising my makeup bag and what not

3 ) talk to him and tell him I can't do both weekend days out the whole time

Thanks everyone. I think a lot of this is me just having less energy than I used to and I do think peri menopause is a massive factor there.

I feel so bad complaining about ny husband as he really is a fantastic husband and I get more pleasure hanging out with him than I ever had anyone.

I'd really hate it if he was lazing about playing video games

Spend Saturday doing your own thing and Sunday spend together. You need your own space.

We sound so similar Op
I LOVE being at home, pottering, tending my plants and garden.
Chatting to my hens, ducks and cats
Oooo organising my autumn wardrobe🍁 and choosing a new lipstick
I love baking and cooking too
I also enjoy going out of course I do but I need my time at home, in peace-Fridays off is a good plan Op
However your DH needs to understand that you are different people and have different needs-its not his way or the highway
" just get a cleaner" people don't really get it !

And he basically insist doing very physical stuff just both of you ??

Does he has mates from his sex , they usually form sport friendships

We don’t necessarily do stuff together at the weekends. If he fancies a big hike he goes and does one, either on his own or with a walking club. If I fancy a hike we go together.

Is he actually pulling his weight at home? Sounds like you do a lot more than him. Plus, there’s got to be a compromise - couldn’t you get a few chores between you for an hour or two then go on an average length walk that is going to scratch his itch of needing to be outdoors but not leave you knackered?
Or have one day of getting the house sorted and the other day out on an adventure?

Sit him down and explain what your energy levels are like and how your body feels after one of his adventure days. Be very, very, clear. Point out that he already knows all this and that his utter lack of care for your wellbeing is making you feel less loved.

And then ask him what his solution to this is. Men like to fix things. Perhaps the solution is that he uses up his extra energy by doing all the housework before you've had breakfast.

He definitely needs to join some kind of sport/outdoor activity group where he will make some friends to do energetic outdoor things with. Relying solely on you is not healthy. Any chance he'd like to be a Scout leader?

Also take over planning some of the days out. I recommend the National Trust. Outdoors, short walks, good tea shops, home again.

After two years you're definitely not 'newly weds' and you've been together 8 years already.
How about he channel some of that action man energy into deep cleaning the bathroom(s) once a month then you both have time for adventures.
(Married for 24 years).
We do lots of things together but also separate stuff.
You have to live your marriage how you want to.

Definitely, we are NT members and it’s often our Sunday treat!

This could quite easily be DH and I. He is very active and I'm glad that I've become more active through being married to him. But I do need a bit of downtime and actually.... time on my own to recharge.

We've been together 15 years now and things that help are:

A cleaner that comes every other week. It means we just have to keep on top of things in the meantime and she's worth her weight in gold.

Online food shop that gets delivered on a Sunday afternoon.

We've agreed that Saturday can be a day for getting out and about and having fun and Sundays will be more low-key. We often also go out on a Sunday morning too but it'll be something more chilled out like a walk and a coffee somewhere or nipping to look round the shops. Or we stay in if DH has jobs to do round the house or wants to prepare things for a BBQ lunch or whatever.

My Sunday afternoons however are sacred. So no plans and we are home. Having the food delivered on a Sunday afternoon helps with this and makes sure I'm not out and about all weekend. I put the food shopping away and then take myself off for a couple of hours and DH does his own thing. Quite often he goes swimming. It sounds really twee but this is my self care time so I have a bubble bath while listening to a podcast, apply a hair mask, shave my legs, apply gradual tan body lotion afterwards.... the works. Then I pour myself a glass of wine and either sit in the garden or upstairs on my bed for a bit and read my book.

DH knows I need this downtime so he does his own thing too and then we come back together for dinner and watching something on TV with one another.

Basically..... compromise and a bit of doing things separately and together.

Years ago my friend had one that would do this if it rained.

Maybe a husky/malamute?