DIL causing issues

[Rosey44]

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

You are being unreasonable.
Asking married adults to tell you where they go is not OK.
Refusing to allow your daughter in lae one family member to an event that is in fact her own wedding celebrations is downright mean. Regardless of how well you think she knows this person. She is living in your house, in a foreign country, being monitored and now not allowed to bring one persin to her own wedding event.
I can only imagine how sad she is feeling that this is how she is starting out married life, being treated like a child.

You're doing a great job of alienating yourself.

Why do adults need to tell you where they are going? Why can't she invite her own family member to her celebration.... because you have paid for it?
You sound overbearing and incredibly controlling.

Don't be surprised when she doesn't bring any future grandchildren round.

YABVU -

1. It's polite to let you know if they will be staying out for the night or not home for dinner (if you eat together) but you don't need to know where they are.

2. just let her have her relative to the celebration. It's supposed to be to celebrate their marriage - very odd not to let her invite anyone.

So you went to their wedding abroad ..I'm guessing not all your family members could make it?
And then you organised another get together with your family without any of her family there and said no to 1 person? It's you that's the problem here sorry. You really need to check yourself. not the response you were hoping for I'm guessing.

Great spot. Yes, VERY telling.

Wow.

So you demand they keep you informed of their plans and whereabouts, controlled their guest list, refused them permission to invite a guest of their choosing to their wedding and when they dont obey you, you threaten them.

Yeah. You can look forward to being booted from their lives if you carry on like this.

You are the very definition of overbearing controlling mil from hell.

When they eventually stop having anything to do with you, youll come crying on here, completely ilinable to understand why theyre so mean to you despite all youve done for them.

I bet you could recite everything you've ever done for them and every penny you've spent on them.

You are 100% in the wrong and very controlling. You need to back up and butt out or risk alienating them both permanently.

Always the DiL causing issues, isn't it?

Even when the sons are equally involved.

I don't understand how your daughter in law is causing issues, can you clarify?

This!

Your house, your rules

Stop controlling them.
If DIL invited her family member over I'd suspect you would moan about that too. She is now his wife & once he's back working & they will be gone & your next post on here will be "I don't see my newly married son"

This has to be a wind up 🤣

I can be a bit of a (s)mother but I would not be expecting to know where my married son and his wife are going unless they were planning on being away for a few days (even then I only need to know they won’t be home for a few nights). I don't see why the one relative couldn’t be invited.

Are you trying to micro manage them? You’re that mil aren’t you!

Let them be.

What rules are they breaking?

She pressed the ‘d’ button instead of the ‘m’ button.

Is this a reverse?

I say this as kindly as possible but I think you are misunderstanding your role in your son’s life and his wife’s life.

They shouldn’t need to tell you where they are so you don’t worry. They have phones - you can contact them if you’re concerned.

The wedding celebration is there’s to plan. Your help (financial or administrative) should come without conditions or any control. If you can’t do that, you’re not being kind you’re being controlling.

If you want to continue to have a healthy and positive relationship with your son, you need to accept that you are not central to their lives now. You are, of course, important and irreplaceable as a mother. But they are a team of two and that’s how it should be.

It's ludicrous to expect grown married adults to check in with you and tell you their daily movements. It's none of your business.

Why do you need to know where they are? Presumably your son will be out seeking work, attending interviews etc. then hopefully when he's got a job they'll move out.

It's not for you to tell your son's wife who she can and can't invite to things either. Just 'cause they are in your home doesn't mean you can control them.

You sound very authoritative. Loosen your grip or you will either cause a rift between them or lose your own son.

It's her wedding party, not yours even if you are helping your son. So she should have a say who is invited without needing your permission.
Which culture or century are you from? I noticed you said we had wedding in another country. You didn't have wedding. They ( your son and Dil) had wedding in her country of origin.

Very weird not to let the bride invite who she likes to her own wedding celebration! I’d invite all her family and friends even though they most likely can’t come from abroad, but the invitation is important!

YABU to want to know where your son is 24/7. But not unreasonable if its just are you home for tea type questions.
We all use life 360, but more for a convenience to know I’ve left to pick them up from the train so they can stay in the dry/warm etc. Or, can you grab a bottle of milk as i can see you’ve not left work yet… it’s really handy, but none of us use it to police the others location!

Why are they living with you where were they before?

I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry.

This is 100% unreasonable. Too much pressure, too much fuss, too much interference and unnecessary.

Your behaviour over the relative was controlling. If you offer something nice, offer it without strings. You were generous to offer financial support but it was for their event.

You will destroy your relationship with your Ds and DIL if you carry on like this.

I would be very wary and keep you at arms length should grandchildren arrive, if I was your DIL.

But - this has to be a reveres, surely?

In which case just say so and ask for advice on how to navigate needing to e dependent on controlling interfering ILs.

You are being completely unreasonable. It's not DIL causing issues....it's you!