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Original poster

DIL causing issues

238 replies

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:26

Hello just looking for advice on how to navigate issues with sons new wife. We had the wedding abroad as that’s where her family are from. My son with my help wanted his friends and family for a celebration over here. I was happy and offered to help pay towards it. Unfortunately son lost his job.
They are living with us while they get themselves sorted. Our house is big enough to accommodate everyone.
I have begun to notice little things about her that make me feel like I am abit crazy.
I have explained that I am not fussed where they go but to just let me know where they are so I don’t worry. This made her unhappy and my son was told by her he’s a man now and doesn’t need to tell me where he’s going. I did explain he’s always dropped it in our normal conversations. Am I wrong?
She has told my son she would like to invite a family member to come to the celebration even after I told her no. Bear in mind she doesn’t really know this relative and they have never come to visit us ever . When my son told me I was unhappy and told him he could pay for all the celebrations catering and I would not be involved.
I feel I am being undermined but I am not sure what’s going on or why.
She is doing other little things whilst living with us and I am not sure what is happening as I am trying to remain calm. What do you think?

OP posts:
Bufftailed · 25/07/2025 09:28

I don’t think your grown son needs to tell you where he is. He should tell you if they will be around for meals etc. or back v late. If I was her living in your house I would not have said anything though, you are doing them a favor.

Can one extra guest not be accommodated??

DazedAndConfused321 · 25/07/2025 09:30

Hopefully they can move out and away ASAP. And you'll be making threads wondering why your precious baby son doesn't talk to you, and why you're not allowed to see your grandchildren.

AbzMoz · 25/07/2025 09:31

Very evidently it’s not compatible for them to stay with you. Can they accelerate their move out? At this point I’d be making reasonable concessions as the relationship both with dil and ds will only sour if you don’t.

You don’t need to know where they are, but it’s absolutely ok to check if anyone will be home to walk the dog/be around for dinner etc. Later on you can ask if anyone did anything interesting with their day - but they don’t owe you an itinerary and certainly not in advance. The relative staying for a few days seems like a reasonable request and unless there’s more you’re not saying it doesn’t matter that they’ve never visited before etc.

Based on what you’ve said it sounds like you’re being controlling which I’m sure is not your intent. Your threat to withdraw the funds if they don’t go along with your rules/guestlist is making you seem ubreasonable. Are you not getting enough gratitude or feel abused in other ways?

NovaF · 25/07/2025 09:34

DIL is not the one causing issues - you are.

is your son an only child? I ask because I am and my mum acted so insanely (including some of the things you have written about) that I now live far away, contact occasionally through whattsapp and only see her so she can see my daughter. The same will happen to you if you dont stop acting overbearing and mental.

obviously his wife is going to talk about how she feels to her husband. She is his main priority now, get a life and stop forcing yourself to be the priority. It is abnormal to need to know where he is as an adult. Abnormal. It is not because you love him
so much you want you know its because you have not accepted he is not a small child and no longer needs you. Apart from financially, which is where you are using it as a bartering tool to get what you want.

she wants to invite ONE relative. You then tell him you will not pay for the catering. Grow up. What exactly were you ‘not happy’ about, him sticking up for his wife or daring to contradict you. You are childish and insufferable.

do you use money as something to give because you have nothing else to offer? To build reliance? Hopefully your DS will cut the cords and run far far away happily with his wife.

Epidote · 25/07/2025 09:36

I think they have to move to their own house where they can do as they please.
It is very difficult to accommodate grown up children's that already have their own way of doing their stuff an even more difficult/tricky to accommodate their partners who had a different upbringing with different rules as kids etc.

Vaxtable · 25/07/2025 09:36

You sound controlling. Ok it would be nice for them to say we are just popping to vvv. However they wouldn’t need to

as to not letting her invite a relative to her English wedding celebration you are batshit, she can invite whoever she wants

you are not off to a good start here

2catsandhappy · 25/07/2025 09:36

Wow @Rosey44 there are 3 of you in this marriage.

Ds gets to tell his wife where he is going and when he will be back.
You get to point out a limit on the guest numbers.(fire and insurance?)
You don't get to hold money over their heads and threaten them, to force getting your own way.

Here's an idea with a win win. Give them the party money as a deposit on somewhere they can live without you.

spoonbillstretford · 25/07/2025 09:45

saraclara · 24/07/2025 22:29

And in the days of mobile phones, adults do not need to tell their parents where they're going. They're contactable if needed si there's no need to worry.

Edited

Yeah, they do, it's just respect for the person you are living with. My elderly mum lived with us and in my 40s I told her where I was going and when I'd be back and if I'd be late and she would do the same. This applies to DDs (16 and 20) and DH and anyone who lives in the house. On that score the OP is right.

MustardGlass · 25/07/2025 09:48

you Don’t need to know where they are 24/7. That’s not how we treat adults. Tbh if I was dil I would be pushing to move to her family.

Wishimaywishimight · 25/07/2025 09:48

You need to back right off, otherwise you risk seeing very little of them once they have moved out.

CandyCane457 · 25/07/2025 09:52

You can’t be serious?
How old are your son and his wife? Why the hell are you keeping tabs on them and wanting to know where they are? They’re adults! I’m finding it laughable that you think she is the unreasonable one here. And as for you throwing such a strop over this one guest at the party…you sound pathetic.

Strawberrylemonades · 25/07/2025 09:55

CandyCane457 · 25/07/2025 09:52

You can’t be serious?
How old are your son and his wife? Why the hell are you keeping tabs on them and wanting to know where they are? They’re adults! I’m finding it laughable that you think she is the unreasonable one here. And as for you throwing such a strop over this one guest at the party…you sound pathetic.

This!

You sound like a nightmare MIL and like you're causing a lot of issues in your son's marriage. Leave them alone for goodness sake. I hope they get to a place where they can move out of your house soon, I feel so sorry for them to deal with all this from you.

SweetnsourNZ · 25/07/2025 09:57

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 24/07/2025 22:29

You want adults to tell you where they are going?
You’ve said to know a guest at their own celebration.

I don’t think it’s the DIL being weird tbh.

I would not expect adults to tell me where they are going, but would appreciate being told whether they are home for dinner if I usually cooked it. Or if they were going to be away for more than one night maybe.

SweetnsourNZ · 25/07/2025 10:02

JassyRadlett · 24/07/2025 23:05

We had a post-wedding celebration in my home country after our wedding (in DH's). Loads of my family and friends, obviously, but DH had some colleagues from years before living in the country.

My mum, who was hosting, didn't bat an eyelash about inviting them. She said actually it was nice to have a chance to make DH feel included and welcome by inviting his friends too.

Yes. This is quite often where you get to meet family and friends from the other family. O P sounds a bit obsessive and controlling.

JudgeJ · 25/07/2025 10:05

saraclara · 24/07/2025 22:29

And in the days of mobile phones, adults do not need to tell their parents where they're going. They're contactable if needed si there's no need to worry.

Edited

Married adults do not need to doss down with parents either! The DIL sounds to be playing the MN routine, she's all that matters to him and his family are nothing.

Nopicturesallowed · 25/07/2025 10:11

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

No, its not a fair reason. Why does her relative need to visit you? Why do you have to discuss together who is invited to the celebration? If you withdraw funding for something you were happy to pay for rather than allow your DIL to invite one guest, then you are the one causing problems, not DIL.
They have moved back in with you because your son lost his job, and it was kind of you to take them in, but that doesn't mean you now have the express right to know where they're going every time they leave the house.

feelingfree17 · 25/07/2025 10:13

Sorry OP, but if you are hoping to have a good relationship with your son and daughter in law going forward you need to seriously consider some self reflection.

Tiswa · 25/07/2025 10:13

You are trying to control everything the guest list, where they go etc.

by all means have house rules sensible ones such as let you know if they will be back for dinner, don’t cook after a certain time but you are trying to control THEM and not your environment

yes you are the problem. You don’t need to know all the guests for their celebration

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 25/07/2025 10:17

If your son is over 18 he really doesn’t need to tell you where he’s going. I understand the lines are blurred because he lives with you but it’s unreasonable to expect him to let you know where he is if he’s an adult.

Your reason for not allowing your DIL’s guest also sounds unreasonable. It doesn’t matter that she’s never visited you before, your DIL wants her to visit now.

You do sound controlling, hopefully it’s just because of the current situation, your home your rules etc. You should be careful though as so many MIL fall foul of offending their DIL and end up not liking the results.

millymoo1202 · 25/07/2025 10:18

You sound controlling

CJsGoldfish · 25/07/2025 10:22

YABU. Wildly so.

Of course your adult, married son shouldn't need to tell you where he's going 🙄

And why wouldn't you want your new DIL to have someone from her family to attend the celebration? That seems rather mean tbh.

Creamice · 25/07/2025 10:31

Rosey44 · 24/07/2025 22:32

She has never visited me or DiL since she arrived. Is that a fair reason? I told my son we should have discussed it altogether but DiL wants her there.

Just rereading this, do you mean OP a family member of yours (possibly someone whine you are partially estranged from) rather than a family member of DILs family?

momtoboys · 25/07/2025 10:43

You sound like a nightmare.

TreeDudette · 25/07/2025 10:48

You're the problem - it's you!!

WordsFailMeYetAgain · 25/07/2025 10:50

You sound very controlling. Your son is an adult and definitely doesn't need to tell you where he is going!
As for the guests at their wedding celebration, it's their wedding which you offered to pay for. That does NOT give you the right to say who comes and who doesn't. So now you have taken your bat and ball home and refused to pay. How petty of you.