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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and holiday with DS

162 replies

namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:37

I'm a single parent to a 9 year old DS and have been dating a man for the last 8 months. We are around the same age although he has no DC yet but said he is open to them in the future. I introduced him to DS about 3 months ago and we have had some days out together, which DS really enjoyed. I've suggested we book a summer holiday together the 3 of us and after a lot of back and forth DP has said he doesn't want to go away with DS for now or if so, only for a night or two and he will do a separate solo summer trip. I probed him about why and he said he finds being around him DS lovely but a bit exhausting and he doesn't feel he wants to spend his only summer break catering to DS and child friendly activities. DS has autism so requires some extra attentiveness and accomodations when going out but is a total sweetheart. I love this man and am devastated/ don't know how to reply about not wanting to away with DS and I. Is this a sign I should break it off? I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

OP posts:
StampOnTheGround · 24/07/2025 12:39

It’s only been 8 months, do a 2 night break somewhere with him but he’s right, holidaying with a child is not a holiday! If he’s the one he’s got years of his holidays being that, but right now you’re still in the very early stages of a relationship.

VintageDiamondGirl · 24/07/2025 12:40

Oh I am sorry, OP. I think it is all a bit too much, too soon, anyway. But it doesn't sound as though it has a future.

ZenNudist · 24/07/2025 12:41

Id ditch him

Calypsocuckoo · 24/07/2025 12:41

8 months is way to soon to even be thinking about going away together, it’s quite soon for them to have even met. He is being very sensible in wanting to wait.
it might be useful for you to try and reflect on why you are so devastated by this and why you want to act like a family together by having a holiday together so soon. You say you love him and see a future together, in which case waiting another year for them to develop their relationship slowly and carefully will be fine.

Howinthehelldidthishappen · 24/07/2025 12:43

He didn't say he didn't want to go away with you and your son though? He just said he wanted to do a short break, which is fair enough.
You've not been together long at all, and it would be wise to take this more slowly.

namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:43

I guess I'm disappointed because we have talked a lot about the future, living together and marriage etc which would all involve DS and I as a package and I feel like he's saying he doesn't enjoy spending time with DS, which he has never said before

OP posts:
cornflourblue · 24/07/2025 12:44

8 months is very early to have introduced him to your DS, let alone go on holiday with him. Even this early in a relationship I would be looking at a weekend away the 2 of you max.

Slow down a bit!

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 24/07/2025 12:44

I don't think if want to go away with a child I didn't know very well, share a room and be with 24/7. If you like him, keep dating him and see how things go with your child, but I'd put off playing happy families for a while.

AnonAnonmystery · 24/07/2025 12:44

I have kids and so does my partner. But I’m with your dp. It won’t exactly be a romantic holiday with your ds possibly sleeping in the same room as you or a family room? Not sure why you introduced them so early, he must be overwhelmed.

outerspacepotato · 24/07/2025 12:44

You introduced them too fast and now you find out the bf isn't into playing happy family.

He wants a GF with no kids. He finds being around your son exhausting.

You want a partner who will integrate into a family with you and your son.

Does that sound compatible to you?

The answer is no.

BodenCardiganNot · 24/07/2025 12:44

It's good that he is being honest with you.

Secretsquirels · 24/07/2025 12:45

I love my children beyond words, and would give my life for them. But I find going on holiday with them a bit exhausting!

I think give it some more time, do day trips together this summer. And then chat about a couple of nights away together next year once they know each other a bit better. Taking it slower will be good for DS too.

socks1107 · 24/07/2025 12:45

It’s far too soon and he’s been very honest without being nasty about what he enviges his summer holidays to look like.
he is child free and doesn’t want to spend a week with one. This will be something you have to get used too - your child isn’t the centre of everyone’s world, partner or not and I say that as a stepmum and the mum of two children. Enjoy your summer, book the short break he suggests

namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:45

For those saying it's too soon, as a single parents it's almost impossible to get enough childcare to continue a relationship without some sort of meeting DS unless we are only going to see eachother once or twice a month when I can afford a babysitter. I didn't introduce him to DS until after 6 months

OP posts:
UghFletcher · 24/07/2025 12:47

Gently, it’s been 8 months.
You two need to do some weekend breaks on your own before you start introducing ‘family’ breaks and spend a lot more time getting to know each other too

outerspacepotato · 24/07/2025 12:47

namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:43

I guess I'm disappointed because we have talked a lot about the future, living together and marriage etc which would all involve DS and I as a package and I feel like he's saying he doesn't enjoy spending time with DS, which he has never said before

That sounds like he's been love bombing you and that's a big red flag.

You introduced your son 5 months in. Eight months in you're talking living together and marriage????

But now you've found out he doesn't enjoy spending time with your son. That should be the end right there.

Slow your roll with romantic partners.

namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:51

UghFletcher · 24/07/2025 12:47

Gently, it’s been 8 months.
You two need to do some weekend breaks on your own before you start introducing ‘family’ breaks and spend a lot more time getting to know each other too

Well in fairness I suggested a summer trip together because he has been talking about us going somewhere just us two but that's literally impossible. I don't have family childcare and cannot or would not leave DS with a babysitter for more than one night, he wouldn't cope. So if he wants to do a break away it's only possible if we both go

OP posts:
namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:52

outerspacepotato · 24/07/2025 12:47

That sounds like he's been love bombing you and that's a big red flag.

You introduced your son 5 months in. Eight months in you're talking living together and marriage????

But now you've found out he doesn't enjoy spending time with your son. That should be the end right there.

Slow your roll with romantic partners.

No I don't think he's been love bombing me. These were mutual conversations about compatibility for what we are looking for in the future

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 24/07/2025 12:53

I am hearing you, I have sympathy with your situation. I don’t think it will work long term though, he’s not the man for you if he can’t integrate into your family unit with love.

SilverHammer · 24/07/2025 12:54

To be fair I can see where he is coming from. DS is yours so of course you don't mind the extra work and attention he needs. A man who has never had children would not find a holiday like that relaxing.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 24/07/2025 12:56

namesareannoying · 24/07/2025 12:45

For those saying it's too soon, as a single parents it's almost impossible to get enough childcare to continue a relationship without some sort of meeting DS unless we are only going to see eachother once or twice a month when I can afford a babysitter. I didn't introduce him to DS until after 6 months

Then you only see each other once or twice a month.

I cannot fathom wanting to take your child away with someone you’ve only been seeing for eight months.

ReluctantBikini · 24/07/2025 12:59

It's all going a bit too quickly here OP.

Go on holiday with your DS alone. From your DSs POV this is the better situation here.

As for your DP. I'd proceed with caution as it sounds like he's not completely on board with your family set up.

Girlmom35 · 24/07/2025 12:59

Another vote here for too much, too soon.
I understand the reality of being a single parent. However, just because dating as a single mum is hard, doesn't mean that life owes it to you to fix that.
Yes, it's hard to date and arrange childcare. The solution to that isn't dragging a new boyfriend into your family life and expecting him to take part in it. Sometimes there is no solution. You're allowed to feel sad about that.

You have to realise that for anyone who doesn't have children yet, just because they're open to the idea at some point doesn't mean they want to be tossed into an existing family. You can't expect him to be as devoted to your child as you are. They are still basically strangers. And let's face it, there's nothing wrong with someone wanting to be in a relationship with you, just you for now. That's perfectly justified on their end. It's also perfectly understandable that he doesn't want to take on a fatherly role on his vacation, especially for a child he hardly knows.

And this is exactly why as a single parent you shouldn't bring a new partner into your childs life too soon. Because it takes time to get to know someone and figure out whether you're compatible. Being compatible isn't agreeing to both want (more) children. It's agreeing on every detail of when, how, who takes on what role, how you see finances, what the roles and boundaries are for step-parents, what your values are on parenthood, where you will be living, how you will be living etc. And not just agreeing verbally, but taking the time to see whether their actions match their words.

In my opinion, your bf is perfectly reasonable with his views on this vacation. However, if you expect a new partner to be just as motivated to build a relationship with your child as with you (and good luck finding that), then you're not compatible.

Wheech · 24/07/2025 13:00

Secretsquirels · 24/07/2025 12:45

I love my children beyond words, and would give my life for them. But I find going on holiday with them a bit exhausting!

I think give it some more time, do day trips together this summer. And then chat about a couple of nights away together next year once they know each other a bit better. Taking it slower will be good for DS too.

All of this is so wise. My DS is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to the universe as far as I'm concerned but even I can't pretend a holiday with him is any kind of a break. And there's never any space or privacy on holiday the way we get used to at home.

It's too early for a full on holiday OP. Either you're expecting him to step into a co parent role far too soon or else you're going to be trying to juggle a holiday with your partner whilst full time parenting on your own. Neither would be great. I don't think you should be devastated and I think people saying he's not the one for you are being very harsh.

Fwiw my DS's dad brought a girlfriend of less than a year on holiday with him and DS. He clearly wanted someone to split the parenting. She did, with great gusto, and all went well. They split a few months later and DS was devastated. I could have killed ExH for being so quick to involve someone at that deep a level before he had figured the relationship out properly himself. It's one thing to leap in with both feet if you don't have children to worry about, quite another when little hearts are involved.

Cherrysoup · 24/07/2025 13:05

He’s your dp, not your ds’s dad. I understand him not wanting to have his possibly only holiday catering to ds and child friendly activities. Your ds should be your focus, obviously, so take him somewhere lovely. This relationship may not work out.

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