DP and holiday with DS

[namesareannoying]

I'm a single parent to a 9 year old DS and have been dating a man for the last 8 months. We are around the same age although he has no DC yet but said he is open to them in the future. I introduced him to DS about 3 months ago and we have had some days out together, which DS really enjoyed. I've suggested we book a summer holiday together the 3 of us and after a lot of back and forth DP has said he doesn't want to go away with DS for now or if so, only for a night or two and he will do a separate solo summer trip. I probed him about why and he said he finds being around him DS lovely but a bit exhausting and he doesn't feel he wants to spend his only summer break catering to DS and child friendly activities. DS has autism so requires some extra attentiveness and accomodations when going out but is a total sweetheart. I love this man and am devastated/ don't know how to reply about not wanting to away with DS and I. Is this a sign I should break it off? I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

I think you’re being unreasonable here OP. 8 months isn’t long at all, especially for a holiday.

I take your point about it being hard as a single parent to date but kindly- that isn’t an excuse or justification for trying to bring a man you’re dating into your sons life too soon.

Holidays with kids are not the same, as a parent we accept that- he isn’t a parent. He doesn’t have to accept that, especially not after only 8 months.

I don’t think this man has done anything wrong at all but if what you really want is a family member and dad for ds then he may not be “The one” he sounds as if he likes you and is prepared to be kind to your ds, if that isn’t enough for you then move on but be aware that what you’re seeking might be difficult to find.

I do understand OP. But it is too soon, and the fact that he’s said this now implies that you’re not on the same page and your DS will be impacted when/if the relationship ends.

I am a single mum to an autistic child too, dating is hard to fit around my children so at the moment, I don’t date.

It is also concerning that he wanted to go away with just you, but has backtracked now he knows your DS has to go. He doesn’t want to play happy families and seems to see your son as an annoyance. I couldn’t look past that.

I don’t know where you go from here, but it doesn’t look good does it?

He said he would go away for a couple of nights - do that. It's best anyway as being on holiday is a bit of a goldfish bowl situation in that you'll all be together 24 hours so it can be intense. There are lots of lovely things you can do for one or two nights. We used to do camping or Legoland or similar.
I don't think it's bad he doesn't want to do a full week as you've only been together a short time. My child's own dad once wished we'd left him at home (only partially joking!) because he had a tantrum every single day about wearing sun cream and it was 35 degrees. It was stopping us from getting up and going outside.
Just do a bigger holiday on your own with your son if you want to. Move slowly with everything else. It might be a bit much for your son as well.

At what magic interval does a man I've been in a relationship with stop being a "random"? Again I haven't introduced DS to any "random" men. He has not met any man I've got on a date or two with. This is a man I've been in a relationship with for nearly a year. If we have different boundaries on when exactly we'd introduce our children to someone we are in love with and is in love with us, happy for you to say what timeline you'd think that's appropriate rather than you just implying I'm an irresponsible parent thank you.

You are right that nothing is ever 'permanent', and you can't know in advance.

But maybe, with dozens of people responding that 6 months was too soon + the reality of the fact that you have introduced them and 2 months later are now questioning the relationship after having been very willing to bring this man on a family vacation... You could agree that it was in fact too soon, no?
And that maybe your judgement on this new boyfriend was too clouded with your own feelings to make an informed decision on the best interests of your child?

I'm definitely not saying single parents can't date. Absolutely not.
I'm also not saying that you can't tell your child you're dating someone.
Hell, I'm not even saying that your date can't pick you up at the front door and meet your child, or that you could test the water by introducing them.

But the underlying idea should always be: what's best for my child? And not, how can I mould this situation to meet my needs, regardless of the impact on my child?

Ang again, in your reply you start off with the premiss of "how can I make my desire to date this man possible"?
The premiss should have been "Given my situation, is dating this man even possible"? And you should allow for the possible answer to be no.

A lot of single parents have co-parenting and child-free time or support networks or good babysitters. And they can arrange to date while their child is away. If that's not your situation, and you can't arrange any alternative, then I will stick to my statement. You should not be dating, for the sake of your child.
If you had come here to post how sad and lonely your situation had made you, and how you would love to date but feel frustrated by your lack of possibilities, I would have told you that I understand and validate your sadness. But I strongly disagree when you say that exposing your child was the only way.
No, the alternative was to choose your childs welfare over your desire to date.

It doesnt matter that you cannot get childcare to meet a partner - it is too early - how can you be talking marriage at this early stage?

Thank you for your post, this was a helpful perspective. I can understand that I may have misjudged the amount of time to spend together, mostly I suppose because the locations we had talked about wanting to visit don't really make sense for just a night or two and as DP hadn't mentioned any dislike of spending time with DS I didn't think. I truly am trying to do the best I can in my situation despite people assuming I'm being selfish or compromising my DS safety which I would never do.

8 months is far too soon to be going on holiday with your boyfriend and your ds. Even introducing at 5 months was too soon. Your bf is being sensible. However you need to monitor closely going forward whether this relationship will work if he finds your ds hard work.

Doing the best for who though? Because what you’re doing is what is best for yourself, not your child.

I don’t think it’s a ‘no’ as such, but a ‘not yet’. Going away with a new partner is a big thing, without the addition of a child, and if you introduced your child at six months, then he’s only known your dc for three months. I think he’s being sensible.

It would be really helpful if everyone shouting too soon would clarify when isn't too soon. I said in an ideal world I could have a completely separate relationship forever and never have to expose DS to a partner but that's just not real life. Likewise the posters suggesting the moral thing to do is to live a single life until my son is an adult basically, but while you make think that it doesn't make me an awful person to not want to totally sacrifice myself in that way and only re-enter the dating pool when I'm over 50.

That doesn't make it any less too soon. It sounds as though you have rushed in and jumped in with both feet. He, on the other hand, is far more cautious because frankly he is giving up more. He finds your son exhausting. Children change the dynamic of a holiday, more so when there are additional needs and considerations. Children are exhausting, especially other peoples. Do you think his view is likely to change with time? If not then end it now, the last thing your son needs is a reluctant resentful stepdad in his life. The question of when is too soon depends on the age of the child, the circumstances and other considerations. Introducing a child is one thing, it's the whole enmeshing of lives, the days out together as a family, holidays together, staying over that is the problem - that shouldn't happen until the relationship is solid and the child is old enough to accept if it doesn't work out.

He’s met your 9 year old DS THREE MONTHS AGO. He barely knows him. And as he has no dc even a neuro typical 9 year old would take getting used to.

surely you were not expecting him to swoop in as a fully formed father after 3 months. That’s totally unrealistic.

he is being very sensible taking his time to learn gradually. Suddenly being together 24:7 and having to factor a 9 year old let alone one with special needs for the lecture holiday is a big ask. He’s not used it it. It will be overwhelming for him at this stage.

Yanbu to be disappointed that you underestimated how things are going.
He is nbu to not be ready for a week’s holiday. He is very reasonable to suggest a night or two this year to see how things go. It’s a very reasonable compromise and will hopefully lead to longer trips in the future.
Even though your son is a delight, it’s not unreasonable that a childless person currently finds it tiring. Children are bundles of energy and unlike people who have lived with kids since they were born and had a gradual introduction to it all, he has dived into the deep end and I can understand why it’s a shock for him.

For what it’s worth I don’t think introducing at 6 months is too soon but introducing as Mum’s friend. A long holiday together is too much for your DS also

I’d give it at least a year, personally.

Have you met all his friends? His family? What’s his middle name? What’s he like when he’s ill? Views on parenting?

As someone else has said, you seem to be thinking ‘I want to date, so I need to do X to make that happen’. No. That’s not how this is supposed to work. Your child’s wellbeing doesn’t need to fit around your (completely understandable) desire for companionship. It should be the other way around. And if that means you only see your boyfriend twice a month, you only see him twice a month.

How exactly? I said I take on board that I may have misjudged going away for a week, fine, but being a single parent and in a relationship does not mean I am completely sidelining my child's interests and is a huge assumption you're making and I have to assume then you don't know what it is like having a SEN child. I already said I would if possible have gone a lot longer without introducing them. Real world circumstances made that impossible any longer especially once DS was aware of this person he does not easily comprehend why for example this friend of mummy's is any different to any other friend of mummy's and to constantly abandon and exclude him isn't fair on him either. Realistically if the relationship is going to work out I come as a package with my son. If you want to spend more time with me than 1-2 days a month, I have a child with me and the same goes for my friends when they invite me places, either it has to be something where DS can come along or I usually can't go. I feel those who are assuming I'm creating some sort of family vibe between DS and DP already are misjudging the situation.

OP I agree with you that being a sole carer to a child makes it harder to leave it 1-2 years before they meet. And as you said, no relationship is guaranteed however long you leave it to introduce them!

However yes it is too soon for a "family" holiday and I actually think your DP is being sensible and responsible by saying he doesn't want to do this / won't enjoy it.

Better that than you all going away and nobody enjoying themselves.

If you're still together in a year then you can perhaps plan a holiday for next summer when they know each other a bit better and maybe your DP will feel a bit more comfortable with it by then.

OP, I love my DSC, but would have found a summer holiday with them overwhelming at first. I definitely second a shorter break as your DP has suggested. When you don’t have DC yourself, being around someone else’s DC 24/7 can be really tiring. It doesn’t mean there’s no hope for the future and FWIW, I think the fact he’s given it thought and is being honest with you are both signs he’s taking the relationship seriously.

I don't think this man sounds like he's going to be a good potential step dad for your autistic son, no. I wouldn't be moving him in at any point that's for sure. If he's not ready to cater to a child on a weeks holiday then it's going to be an awfully long time before he'd be ready to cater to them full time. I don't think he's very keen on your child tbh and that would be a complete deal breaker for me.

I have an autistic child. Also with someone for 4.5 years so far. After a couple of years we went away, a few nights to start with. And then a week. It’s been of mixed success 😂. We very nearly split after the first week, because he’s never had dc, and let’s be honest holidays with dc are exhausting and not always much fun.

We’ve had some good times away since. But we don’t live together, and won’t for another few years at least and only if that is ok for my dc. I take them away on holiday without him as well. They aren’t his responsibility.

I wouldn’t inflict my dc on most people, much as I love them 😂

No, we’re saying that if not introducing him to your DS meant only seeing your partner twice a month, then that’s how often you see him. We’re being very clear about this. You just don’t want to hear it.

I’ll copy/paste:

you seem to be thinking ‘I want to date, so I need to do X to make that happen’. No. That’s not how this is supposed to work. Your child’s wellbeing doesn’t need to fit around your (completely understandable) desire for companionship. It should be the other way around. And if that means you only see your boyfriend twice a month, you only see him twice a month.

You could have gone longer without introducing them. It just wasn’t convenient, because you wanted to see this man more often than that would allow. That is not putting your child’s interests first.

OP I think for the purposes of this discussion the length of time before you introduced your child is irrelevant. Had you left it another year, he still would have felt the same about going on holiday with a child, presumably.

I will e honest - now that I am free of child responsibilities there is no way I would spend my summer holiday with a 9 year old child, or any age child. It just turns the holiday into something different.

You are less than a year into your relationship and he presumably wants an adult holiday - with you if possible - with the opportunity to go to adult restaurants, stay late in bars, not have to go to kid friendly attractions etc.

I very much doubt it is personal to your kid - parenting any 9 year old is exhausting! And if you re not their parent or close family or have established a loving relationship since they are little, few people have the sustained interest to be in the company of a child that isn't theirs for a whole week.

He is being reasonable - and you are also reasonable to want a relationship.

If you are looking for a live-in step-dad set up, this man is not the one.

Okay, so how do you think it is in the best interests of your child to meet mum’s boyfriend after 8 months, and trying to plan a “family” holiday after 8 months? That is what is best for YOU, your dating life, it’s not at all about what is best for your child.