DP and holiday with DS

[namesareannoying]

I'm a single parent to a 9 year old DS and have been dating a man for the last 8 months. We are around the same age although he has no DC yet but said he is open to them in the future. I introduced him to DS about 3 months ago and we have had some days out together, which DS really enjoyed. I've suggested we book a summer holiday together the 3 of us and after a lot of back and forth DP has said he doesn't want to go away with DS for now or if so, only for a night or two and he will do a separate solo summer trip. I probed him about why and he said he finds being around him DS lovely but a bit exhausting and he doesn't feel he wants to spend his only summer break catering to DS and child friendly activities. DS has autism so requires some extra attentiveness and accomodations when going out but is a total sweetheart. I love this man and am devastated/ don't know how to reply about not wanting to away with DS and I. Is this a sign I should break it off? I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

For everyone saying I introduced them too soon - when exactly should I have done this because as I said it's been literally impossible to date and meet anyone when you don't have someone you can leave your child with on a regular basis. Fair enough if it's too soon for a holiday, I'll take that on board and I do see your points about it mate not being relaxing as such , but I feel like his comments against holiday could apply to hanging out with DS and I in general so now I'll have it on the back of my head he's finding us exhausting when we do days out

It's far better that he's been honest with you than pretending he's loving every moment.

He's not ready for a holiday with your 3yo. That's allowed.

You need to realign your chats about the future and plans with the reality that's now there now you've been spending time together the three of you.

It's easy to be full of big plans and hopes and excitement when it's just talk. The reality of life with a three year old, especially when there's no family help and extra needs is likely more than he realised it would be.

Better disappointment now than a disaterous holiday

Ignore those saying its too soon!!

Met her/my kids within weeks, holiday as 6 of us within 9 months and within 18m went away with her and her teen daughter all in 1 room. We get on great, but there were times I would have rather it was just us 2 for kiss/cuddle etc. but was fine. Going away with a young child means it is a family style holiday and that limits what can be done, and they are too young to go off on own etc..

I think a small break is good, but sounds like you are both discussing it and would stick with it if all else is good

Can your son’s dad have him for a few days so you can go away as a couple?

Dating as a single parent is challenging, especially when you don’t have easily available childcare. We all appreciate that and sympathise with the difficulties that presents.

However, that still doesn’t change the fact that introducing romantic partners at such an early stage is a bad idea, for a litany of reasons. And, as the child’s wellbeing is paramount, that means your dating life will be impacted.

To your second point, kids aren’t relaxing. We deal with that because we love them. This man has only known your child for three months. He is unlikely to have any feelings about them, nor should he. Most people wouldn’t want to go on holiday with a child they barely knew.

I assume he is dating you because he likes you, not because he wants to spend time with your son. There’s not many people in this world who would want to spend their holiday with someone else’s children, especially if hey didn’t have children themselves.

Dont take it personally. Just remember that other people aren’t going to want to be around your son, the way you enjoy being around your son. Him being autistic makes it harder too.

Backing him in to a corner about a holiday with you and your child after only 8months is a bit unfair on him.

I’m glad things worked out for you, but this reads like the intro to one of those stories on the news where something terrible happens and you’re aghast that parents could behave so irresponsibly.

‘Met her/my kids within weeks’. Jesus.

You have to accept that because thats the fact. Its impossible for you to be child free therefore the person you try to date has to accept that their future life with you will never exclude ds—that there will be few to no quiet, romantic, times alone together. The first few months before introducing your ds and his constant care needs were’nt him love bombing you they were you love bombing him, in effect. Because child free, focused on you as a couple, is not available to you.

The right person, if he exists, will either have a SEN child himself or have helped care for a SEN sibling and won’t have any fantasies that conflict with yours.

DS dad is and has always been a complete waste of space and out of the picture. I don't think those talking about being too soon to introduce to DS understand that I am literally responsible for him 24/7 I have no one to share the load with. I have put myself last and been alone and focused 100 percent on DS for nearly the last decade but I deserve love too. I've tried to do it as practically as possible and if I was able to date someone for years without having to introduce them or have them spend any time with DS, I would, but it's just not realistic. Plus if we are going where we've talked about DS IS going to be apart of the equation.

Suggesting it is hardly backing someone into a corner fgs

You're asking this question from the wrong perspective.
You're asking this as if you're owed a solution to this problem.

This is your logic:
I want to date the man I like
I don't have time/childcare to date the man I like
Therefor I must introduce son to this man early on

No. You're looking at this purely from what benefits you.
And I get it, I do. Being a single mum is a huge sacrifice and so unfair. But that still doesn't mean that it was right for you to introduce your son so early on.

The logic should have been:
I want to date the man I like
In order for me to date the man I like, I need to expose my son to a new relationship and risk him getting attached to someone who isn't permanent
This is not in my sons best interest
Therefor I will not date the man I like, because I will not sacrifice my sons best interest.

And you go from there.
Just because you want something, doesn't mean your son/the world needs to make that happen for you. And while I empathise very strongly with how hard that is, I disagree that just because you want something, your son has to bare that burden.
If your situation doesn't allow you to date without exposing your child to a new partner... Then sadly your situation doesn't allow you to date. Period.

Now, I actually do believe there are other solutions. Solutions you may not like, such as only going on dates when you have proper childcare and therefor seeing your boyfriend less. But that's the reality you have to deal with. Because if you don't deal with that reality, then the burden ends up on your son.

If someone said to you you have to take another 9 year old on holiday you’d only met a handful of times in the last 3 months how would you feel?

you’re looking it from the point that you’ve always know your son. You have established boundaries, know you can say no, tell him off, rein him in if his behaviour is off.

this is a child free man who doesn’t know your child. A holiday at this point is too much too soon. Presumably you’re sharing a room? Plus your son is probably too old for holiday clubs but not independent enough to occupy himself.

a week sharing a room and spending 24/7 with a kid you don’t know? Nope.

@namesareannoying
My son is 21 today. He is an amazing young man.
He also has ASD. To be honest I wouldn't gave inflicted the 9 year old him on a relatively new partner for a whole week.
Your DP is being honest with you. He's happy to do a 2 night break- I think that'd more than fair. Will give you more of a chance to see if it's potentially workable.

I agree that finding someone with experience of SEN children would be ideal however how on earth have I love bombed him?! I have been open and honest about the fact I'm a parent and that my child has SEN from the start. It's not like a suddenly revealed one day that I'm a mother or that DS is autistic.

He sounds sensible you are being overly sensitive and catastrophising. Suggesting a blended family holiday with your child after 8 months together was definitely too much pressure for all of you

1/2 overnight is enough. You could even keep it to a day trip.

He’s not said that now either.

He's being very mature and honest. I wouldn't want to spend my holiday with my new boyfriend's kid, there's nothing wrong with that.

There's no need to fast track your relationship.

You slow down is what you do.

You've already introduced your kid to the bf and had him around. Now you find out bf thinks your kid is hard work and doesn't want to spend time with him, which means he isn't partner material and you likely will break up. I mean, are you going to stay with a guy who finds your kid exhausting and hard work? Is he going to stay with you having your kid whom he doesn't really care for around all the time?

Having quick bfs that are there and then not takes a toll on your kid that you can avoid by slowing down these introductions. Do you want him to get attached and disappointed over and over?

Protect your kid. Dating is to sus guys out. He talked a good line and you fell for it, now you find out he wants a GF without the encumbrance of a child.

Whether I waited 6 months or 6 years i'd have to introduce my son to my partner who may not be permanent. No relationship or marriage is guaranteed to be permanent forever. Your post is basically saying single parents can't date until their children leave home. I want to be clear I have not been willy nilly about introducing my son to this man, and I am not one of those parents who brings home a string of boyfriends. I have introduced them because at a certain point it does become a bit impossible not to especially with an autistic child who I can't lie to.

Holidays with young children are hard work - I find it hard with my own children let alone a child that is not mine.

Dating as a single mother is not easy and relationships tend to take much longer to form and develop than if there were no children involved - to protect the children.

He is not suddenly saying he is not interested in a life with you or your son, what is he IS saying is, 'I don't want to spend my limited annual leave on a child orientated holiday'. It would mean a lot of time for him standing back and watching you parent from the sidelines so actually, how much meaningful time would he be spending with you anyway?

I'd do the suggested 2 or so nights and see how it goes. You don't have to decide your whole life right now !

That’s not what they’ve said at all. Read it again.

Plenty of single parents (me included) manage to not bring randoms we're dating into our kids' lives. It's obviously not as easy as dating when you don't have kids, but it's part of being a responsible parent, isn't it?

How could you possibly know someone well enough to do this? So incredibly soon?

Your son is your priority here and your wants, needs and desires take second seat to his safety and safeguarding.

It sounds like you're doing your best in a difficult circumstance. I met my DH's daughter after 6 months - actually sooner than I wanted really but her mum wasn't very present so it was just how it worked out. I agree, I wouldn't have felt ready for a whole week together that early on - children are exhausting! But for me, finding it a lot didn't mean I didn't enjoy getting to know her, just that it was more comfortable building up gradually. It was a good 18 months before we spent that much time together. We've now been married for 10 years and I have a really good relationship with DSD. On balance, it sounds positive that he's being honest about what he's comfortable with right now.