DP and holiday with DS

[namesareannoying]

I'm a single parent to a 9 year old DS and have been dating a man for the last 8 months. We are around the same age although he has no DC yet but said he is open to them in the future. I introduced him to DS about 3 months ago and we have had some days out together, which DS really enjoyed. I've suggested we book a summer holiday together the 3 of us and after a lot of back and forth DP has said he doesn't want to go away with DS for now or if so, only for a night or two and he will do a separate solo summer trip. I probed him about why and he said he finds being around him DS lovely but a bit exhausting and he doesn't feel he wants to spend his only summer break catering to DS and child friendly activities. DS has autism so requires some extra attentiveness and accomodations when going out but is a total sweetheart. I love this man and am devastated/ don't know how to reply about not wanting to away with DS and I. Is this a sign I should break it off? I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

@namesareannoying I don’t think you should be alone forever. It’s unreasonable. I would just say take it slow. Don’t put pressure on and see how much he comes forward to want to do things all together. I get it that life must have been lonely before you met him. I’m divorced but my ex has teens 50% of the time so I regularly go away with just my dp.

I met my partners children after 1.5 years of dating and I’ve gone on an annual family holiday with them since they were 6 and 8! I generally enjoy it but we usually go for a deluxe family room where the rooms and bathrooms are seperate. I take time away from them and my partner once day to do an exercise class or go to the beach on my own. It’s something he made me do from our first holiday as he knows his kids are hard work. Plus my dc are teens so I’m past that stage.

This - 100% agree

I guess there’s a difference between someone knowing you are a mum, and accepting that a future with you means that they would be a step parent, so a package deal, while thinking it’s too early to be getting close to your son.

Which is different to accepting after 8 months you are a three. That if he wants to see uou, he should expect DS to be there and essentially be playing the dad role on your dates.

it’s reasonable to keep your child at a distance because it’s early days. He doesn’t know if you will work out. He enjoys your company and I guess may be fond of your son, but will be tolerating him being there so he can see you. That might be me projecting but I just have no interest in other people’s kids enough to want to spend that much time with them.

People saying you’re acting in your own interest, not your sons, might seem harsh but it is in your interest. But that’s ok, as you are human and no one is expected to be complete selfless and live a lonely life because your previous relationship didn’t work out. But step families are hard. Step parents increase the risk of abuse in the family home. So take it slow and make sure you’ve picked a good one

Other posters have introduced themselves as single parents, you haven’t shown any inclination to listen to them either.

Conflating meeting a romantic partner with meeting your platonic friends is deeply disingenuous. Also, this is fascinating Your logic makes no sense in that I should introduce this friend to my son until I've spent a year getting to know him and I'm meant to get to know him by never being able to see him or speak to him on the phone So, you wouldn’t be able to get to know him in a year of dating him, without him meeting your son, but you were somehow able to get to know him sufficiently well to introduce him to your son (and be in love) in six months of dating in those exact circumstances? And my logic doesn’t make sense?

You can rant at me as much as you like. Nothing you’ve said changes the fact that you’re acting in your own interests. And claiming that anyone who doesn’t agree with you ‘doesn’t understand’ is entirely in keeping with that.

Good luck, OP.

I’m a stepmum OP and I love them dearly but time away with other people’s kids just isn’t a holiday when compared to a couples’ or single adults’ trip!

Good for him for being honest. Clear communication will benefit you all.

I take it DS’s dad isn’t around to have him do you can have a break?

There are plenty of single parents here. Even some with ND kids, shocker. You really aren't the only one.

"I guess I'm disappointed because we have talked a lot about the future, living together and marriage etc which would all involve DS and I as a package and I feel like he's saying he doesn't enjoy spending time with DS, which he has never said before"

It seems like you were thinking you had a guy willing to marry you and coparent since you said you've already talked about living together and marriage in this short timeframe. He's just burst your bubble because he's now not interested in going on a family holiday.

I think he future faked you a bit and now that he's found out your holidays are hard work with your child along, he wants one but only with you. I think he's finally being a bit honest with you and he's putting on the brakes here.

This is why you don't introduce your kid too fast. Your son now knows this guy and if he ever hears that bf doesn't want him along on a holiday, he's going to feel bad. This is the kind of rejection that going slow protects your child from.

What are you not getting exactly? I was able to do that in 6 months by paying for a hell of a lot of childcare and not getting to do any other socialising with my other friends because I don't have endless free time. But I can't practically sustain that forever and even though I wanted to and would have done it for longer than 6 months as I explained because my son became aware of this person it's wasn't possible for me to then keep them completely separate. I've explained this many times and you keep ignoring it because you love the narrative that I've introduced them solely for my own benefit at the total exclusion of caring for my son. That's how I know you are not a lone parent because if you were you'd have a tiny amount of perspective of what it's like especially with a SEN child to be 100% responsible all of the time for everything and constantly adjusting, assisting, fighting for his needs to be met and you wouldn't jump the assumption I'm somehow now ignoring my son's interests because they met a person.

Also to clarify I did not mean DP and I went planning out wedding or moving in together. But I'm shocked that other adults don't check that the people they're dating have mutual goals when it comes to their future that somehow even talking about the subject of marriage is shocking. DP was upfront that he is dating seriously for marriage, I was upfront that if we were ever to live together DS can't move from our current accomodation. Doesn't anyone have serious talks with who they're dating? Doesn't mean I was expecting us to get married and move in together soon but we have continued our relationship on the premise we are hopefully working towards these things one day.

I don't think he's future faked me to be fair, as I said I think I misjudged the holiday and I've overreacted to him being honest about his experience of spending time with DS. I never said I was the only single parent to a ND child,what I've asked is that those lambasting me for introducing them "too soon" explain how exactly you maintain a relationship without introducing them to your child platonically when you don't have another parent that splits custody or endless money for babysitters especially when your ND child found out about this person and can't comprehend why they can't meet them and also tell me when the magical point is when it's not "too soon"

What are you not getting about it not being an inalienable human right to see this man as much as you’d like?

you love the narrative that I've introduced them solely for my own benefit at the total exclusion of caring for my son.

Okay, I’ll bite. Who else’s benefit was it for? If you didn’t introduce them solely for your benefit, who did you do it for?

No one is saying don’t date, and six months is not unusual to introduce a new partner.

However, to expect to play happy families so soon on holiday is too soon. They need to form a relationship and a bond first, and dc needs to get used to dp being in the picture.

You are insisting on not acknowledging that just because something benefits me in one way doesn't mean I am acting totally against the interests of my child. That's what I take issue in with your posts, the suggestion that I am acting solely selfishly which is why I am trying to explain to you that as someone who has put my son and his needs at the forefront of my life every hour or every day, I have not woken up one day and deciding to completely disregard his interests just because I am also trying to navigate and accommodate my needs along with his in a tiny way. I never said I had an inalienable human right to see him as much as I like - and I don't!! "Inalienable human right" "okay ill bite" God, what's a Mumsnet cliche, just because someone is trying to navigate a situation doesn't mean they think they have the inalienable right to everything they want. If you don't have actual helpful advice for dating in the real world as a lone parent, I'm not sure why you're still commenting except that you have taken some personal offence to me for some reason as though dating single mothers rile you.

Well in fairness I suggested a summer trip together because he has been talking about us going somewhere just us two

This would worry me tbh. He knows you can't leave your son but at the same time is pushing for you to magic up some sort of situation where you can leave your son behind. If you keep on seeing this guy keep an eye on how he treats your son when he thinks you're not watching. I don't think this man wants your son tagging along.

Thank you for your comment its helpful and I am conscious of the stepparent risk just based on experiences friends have shared with me about their pasts so it's something I am very aware of. It's not so much a case of expecting us to be a three, and I don't put him in a "dad" role. What I was trying to explain to PP that realistically, same with my friends, I don't have other children and I don't have a partner, so if you want to have a midweek dinner it's going to have to be at mine and DS is going to be there (in his room, and possibly popping out every now and then to ask me this or that) and I might even cancel on you last minute because DS is having a rough day because he's my priority. It's not so much that I expect him to take on a coparent role, more so that if you want to spend time with me, I most likely have DS around.

just because something benefits me in one way doesn't mean I am acting totally against the interests of my child

In what way does it benefit anyone other than you? How does it benefit your child? It doesn’t, correct? It’s about you. But, somehow, not selfish.

Your narrative now appears to have switched to ‘I have made all these sacrifices, so I deserve this’.

You introduced your child to this man too soon. You wanted to go on holiday with him. This is irresponsible behaviour. It doesn’t become less so because of SEN, your childcare limitations, finances, or the fact that you really really want something. The fact that you are completely refusing to engage with that indicates that yes, you do view seeing this man as your right. You can pretend the issue is single mums being vilified, if you like.

I get it OP. I raised my DS all on my own too and it’s really difficult for others who haven’t been in that situation to fully understand how relentless and isolating this can be, and also how protective you can feel about your DC as the only person in the world who is rooting for them.

Even holidays with my own DS, who I love beyond measure, were really hard graft when he was younger. I wouldn’t have expected anyone else to have wanted to come with us. Equally, I now wouldn’t do that for someone else or their DC.

Just because he isn’t ready for a full week as a 3 now doesn’t mean that this won’t naturally happen in the future when you’re all more invested. Don’t take it to heart.

Again tell me you don't have a SEN child without telling me don't if you really don't understand how me spending lots and lots of time away from him is distressing for him and hard for him to understand especially because he can't understand why this man is different to any other friend. I never said my sacrifices mean I deserve things, I listed them to try and explain to you that I am not the kind of person who disregards and doesn't prioritise their child 100%. If you've got all your vitriol against me out of your system perhaps you'll bow out now.

You're not understanding that a lot of us are in exactly the same position as you so we DO understand! I'm not going to be a nun just because I'm a single parent, but any potential date/partner has to fit in around my child, not the other way round!

And if you want people to tell you what's an 'acceptable' time, I don't think there is one, there are so many variables. I can tell you from my experience, though, that I haven't introduced anyone to my son before the 12 month mark, and certainly haven't gone on holiday all together.

I have an SEN child and I’m a lone parent. I agree with @ForZanyAquaViewer

This is about you. There is no benefit to your child. I have a DP and while they do get on, I’m not pretending it’s a benefit for them. My dc would be just fine if I never dated another person ever.

Gently, this far too early to offer your child to a man as part of a package with you. Even more so as your child has additional needs. You have at least been honest and said this is purely because you need a rest and you want love. Your child's needs need to come first.

Having any child means that you can't spend a lot of time away from them; having a child with extra needs means this in spades. It's not fair but it's parenthood. It doesn't mean that you drag your child along with you when you spend time with a romantic partner; it means that you may need to spend less time with your partner to meet your child's needs.

Again- you’re completely missing the point. Nobody is saying you should spend loads of time away from your child, the alternative to that though isn’t that every man you fancy meets DS prematurely and comes round for midweek dinner, the alternative is that you simply do not see a boyfriend very much. Is that fair? No. But it’s also just life as a single parent, particularly of a SEN child.

You are so focussed on just trying to maximise your time with a man you barely know that you haven’t considered how a child, especially a SEN child, would cope with seeing someone regularly, going on holiday with them even, to never seeing them again when you split up because lets me real- 8 months isn’t long.

I agree. I also dislike the categorical way some PP state their opinion as if it’s the law — you should have waited longer before introducing them; you should only be seeing this man 1-2 a month; you shouldn’t be dating yet/at all etc etc.

So, don’t spend lots and lots of time away from him!

It’s fascinating that you hear ‘don’t introduce them early’ as ‘spend lots of time away from DS’, as opposed to ‘see DP less’. Just…wow. But, somehow, you’re a person who prioritises your child 100% and you don’t see dating as an inalienable right. Are you even making sense to yourself, at this point?

I have no vitriol towards you. I’m perfectly calm and, if you stop tagging me, I’ll stop commenting. I’ve said all I need to say, so this is pretty repetitive.