DP and holiday with DS

[namesareannoying]

I'm a single parent to a 9 year old DS and have been dating a man for the last 8 months. We are around the same age although he has no DC yet but said he is open to them in the future. I introduced him to DS about 3 months ago and we have had some days out together, which DS really enjoyed. I've suggested we book a summer holiday together the 3 of us and after a lot of back and forth DP has said he doesn't want to go away with DS for now or if so, only for a night or two and he will do a separate solo summer trip. I probed him about why and he said he finds being around him DS lovely but a bit exhausting and he doesn't feel he wants to spend his only summer break catering to DS and child friendly activities. DS has autism so requires some extra attentiveness and accomodations when going out but is a total sweetheart. I love this man and am devastated/ don't know how to reply about not wanting to away with DS and I. Is this a sign I should break it off? I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

OP I think some people on MN are unrealistic about dating as a single parent. I often read people on here saying “I didn’t introduce DP to my kids for 2 years. It was easy, I just made sure I only saw DP on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend, when the kids were with their dad”, ignoring the fact that not all single parents have an ex who sees the kids.

In reality, it’s actually just as well you introduced your boyfriend quite early on. He has now met your child, and if he doesn’t think he’s able to manage being with a child with SEN, then it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.

Six months? Wow. Definitely too soon.

I don’t understand why you are getting so dragged here. You’ve asked for some advice and people are being so judgmental.
You’re a little hurt and defensive about what he said but in reality he’s been honest and sounds like quite respectful.
Ifs a shame not to have a little holiday together but your time will come . If im
honest I would be more alarmed if he had wanted to go so soon!
I’ve been a single parent dating and I totally
get how hard it is to navigate and organise and no one thanks you for it! There is no magical right time ( I waited 18months) and three years later he moved in and then we split up! All I’d say he is if he's lovely in every other way then respect his honesty and take some more time, you will get there if it’s meant to be it will work out . Just not easy without much help/opportunity to be alone.

it’s not necessarily too soon, but I think o/p’s unrealistic about dating as a single parent.

o/p seems to think her and her son as “a package” means the person she’s dating needs to get on board with an instant family.

she’s gone from dating and a couple of days out with her son to family holidays and taking offence when he declines.

her and her son is not a simple “add man”= family. She needs to go at his pace.

if he doesn’t want to leap into a week AI sharing a room with a 9 year old he barely knows and his mum who he’s been dating less than a year she needs to back off.

families take time. Blended families more so. He is right to not want to rush into taking on a parental role just yet.

Your situation makes me empathise so much. I am also a single parent to a son with additional needs and when he was nine I had virtually no ex or family support and could not leave him with babysitters due to his behaviour.

I accidentally met my now partner of 4 years on a rare night out, when my son was 9, like yours.

It seemed impossible at first but somehow we continued against all odds.

I broke all the mumsnet rules about introducing partners too early. He met my son after 3 months and was staying a few times a month when my son was at home after 4 months. I literally had no choice, like you, it was either that or end the relationship.

We went away for a week, all three of us, in month 10 at my partner's suggestion (I had doubts). It was a disaster. My son's behaviour is always worse on holiday due to his anxiety. What we could do together was very limited. My partner's stress levels continued to rise each day until on day 5 he fell out with my son over bad behaviour in a cathedral. My partner stormed off to the pub all afternoon and when he returned I ended things. I said that if he couldn't tolerate my son there was no point in continuing. I made him leave the holiday let and helped him pack. There was no argument and my son didn't realise what had happened but it was the saddest end to any holiday I've ever had.

We actually got back together after 6 weeks but 3.5 years on I'm still too scared to try another holiday! Luckily now that my son is 13 I have a lot more freedom. Four nights a year my son goes on a school camp and those are my nights to go away with my partner. My position has always been that I will not live with my partner until my son is 18 but we have reached a very happy balance, for these intervening years.

all the best!

I get it, you are a single parent to a ND child with no family support you and this man have been guilty of fast tracking your relationship with your talks about the future. Your bf is new to the challenges of dating a single parent with no support and although it’s obvious to you that a holiday will always include your son, it appears he’s late to that realisation.

DD has just turned 18 and for the last 18 months she hasn’t travelled with me to my tri annual trip back to London and it’s been so nice not having to be in parent mode (and DD is the easiest child in the universe). Your bf is simply telling you that for his only summer holiday he doesn’t want to spend the majority of it prioritising a child. You are eight months in OP, let this be the sign to slow Dow with talks of the future.

Oh come you are just nasty for nasty sake. You are insisting on twisting my words to fit the selfish narrative you already prescribed me. Why do I need to see DP less by law according to you? I already said I completely misjudged the trip but otherwise DP and DS get on well and it hasn't been an issue spending time together. Other posters have helpfully and kindly explained their perspectives on why as a child free person it can be difficult spending time with children, that was really helpful. You just have this constant undercurrent narrative that I should not be dating, it's somehow bad for DS despite the fact that DS LOVEs spending time with people's any of my friends, what he doesn't like is being left alone and excluded. Provided the day out or activity is child friendly, I take my child and you just have a huge problem with that for some reason basically don't take your child anywhere stay at home with them alone, with no actual logic as to why I'm not allowed to live a full life with my child.

Thank you for your comment and some real world perspective x

Thank you, and I agree partially which is what I meant by Ds and I are a package. If anyone whether it's friends or whoever doesn't like or can't cope with him and his needs I'd rather know sooner than later, yet based on nothing people are painting me as someone introducing lines of men to my child rather than a woman who hasn't dated in a decade introducing one person she has developed serious feelings for and is trying to build a future with and has kept all interactions around my son as platonic as any of my other friends.

Tbf, quite a few people have given you real world perspective from their point of view as single parents of SEND children. But you only thank the ones that take your view.

I also nearly split from my DP after our first holiday with dc. He didn’t storm off, and we talked about it. But dc are stressful and hard work and it is hard coming in with no parental responsibility or say so on how they are parented, and not knowing them and what they are like and having to spend a week in close confinement.

Family holidays are usually stressful and fraught and not that enjoyable when they are your own children. When they aren’t yours it is much worse.

Thank you I do get this and said I was wrong about the trip, but as he had talked of going away I got ahead of myself with them locations. I did acknowledge that I was oversensitive about his answer, I'm overprotective of my son and am always scared he will face criticism or discrimination because of his differences that my mind just leapt on the exhausting bit and got hurt (even though he is quite exhausting some days!) . I am definitely not after an instant family which I have tried to explain, my DS is not in the mindset that DP is my partner or boyfriend and I wouldn't rush into making that obvious any time soon despite how many people think I'm parading my son along on romantic dates

the alternative to that though isn’t that every man you fancy meets DS prematurely and comes round for midweek dinner, the alternative is that you simply do not see a boyfriend very much. Is that fair? No. But it’s also just life as a single parent, particularly of a SEN child.

Stopped reading after this because once again it's pure fantasy and just nasty on your part to assume (based on nothing) every man I fancy meets DS and comes around to my house for dinner. You have no experience relevant to what I asked and are refusing to take my posts on good faith and refusing to even rtft where I've already reflected and acknowledged misjudged some things. Go back to your husband and leave me alone, you clearly have no kindness or genuinely useful advice to offer a lone parent despite how simple it all seems in your imaginary world.

That’s a lot within 8 months.
He is being honest which is good.
I would have struggled with someone else’s child , especially if I didn’t have any.

I don't only thank the ones who take my view, I've also thanked people who have kindly and respectfully explained where they think I should have done things differently. I don't, for example, drink alone or around my child, so I don't find your pov very helpful or useful to me so not sure why you're engaging with me when I chose not to respond to your previous post!

I understand your situation perfectly.

My autistic child is now 18yo, and I am a lone parent. There has never been another adult in the picture, and I don't have family nearby or the money for childcare.

I didn't date as it simply was not in the brst interests of my kid.

In an ideal world I'd have liked another child, and a "proper" family etc. But it just didn't happen that way, and whilst it wasn't fair, I wasn't going to risk my DCs wellbeing to try and achieve this.

Having read a lot of threads on MN over the years I would have followed the wisdom of not mixing kid/partner for at least a year (and ibtroducing them as a 'friend'), and being cognisant that it takes a good 2yrs+ and at least one holiday (kid free) to really get to know another person.

Family holidays are usually stressful and fraught and not that enjoyable when they are your own children. When they aren’t yours it is much worse.

This is very true. OP, I wouldn't be too upset that he finds your DS a bit challenging, particularly not at this fairly early stage. And please ignore the posters who are obsessed with timescales, I think you've been given a really hard time here.

Once again, this is not a rational response to what was said to you.

As stated, this is getting repetitive, so I’m done. So, good luck with it all.

I've asked you to leave me alone several times - glad you're finally done! 👍🏻

You are literally the one who said people have to come round for dinner with your son if they want to see you 🤣

It’s really not hard, or shouldn’t be, to put the needs of your child above your dating wants. Hope that helps xxxxx

Frustrating how little she gets it.

Yes I said my friend do! Not every man I fancy. If my friends want a dinner mid week, I'll host because for several reasons it's easier for me to have DS is in space than take him to someone else's house. You've deliberately interpreted that as several men coming to my house rather than mostly female and some platonic male friends coming round for dinner. Are single mothers not allowed to have people for dinner?

There is so much vitriol on here against lone mothers and the assumption they don't make their child a priority just because they're doing things someone married or on a partnership might do. Didn't know I could only have an unrelated person in the house if I have a husband around. Didn't know you can't have people for dinner without a husband in the house. Didn't know I'm not allowed to meet a friend in the park if I don't have a husband at home. Listen to yourself logically. As I've said again and again I'm trying to balance my needs with my child, not give my needs the priority but I am actually allowed to have some. You've been very clear in your posts you don't think I should have any but it's not actually against the law.

Wishing you luck with the 1 in 2 xxxx

I absolutely "get it" and I've even reflected on where I was wrong. What I'm refusing to "get" is taking on this false narrative posters have invented that I'm got this wild dating life where I bring home a strong of men that I introduce to my son as their new daddy and then they're heartbroken when they leave and I bring home the next one. Some posters projections are just perpetuating a myth of an unmarried mother out of nowhere. Simply by having a social life of any kind I'm damaging my son or potentially damaging him, disregarding his safety, safeguarding. I've been called selfish and all sorts, some posters have just used this as an opportunity to be really nasty to a woman asking how to balance dating and motherhood because they clearly just don't believe mothers should date which was not the question of my thread. If you don't think a lone parent should date start a thread on that, don't just attack someone and assume the worst.

I'm a lone parent of an autistic child, who dates, but you're not interested in anyone's opinion/advice unless they're agreeing with you. Which is fine, but it's frustrating.

How old is your DS? Childhood is short. If you can wait till he’s eighteen then you’ll be in a stronger position.