DP and holiday with DS

[namesareannoying]

I'm a single parent to a 9 year old DS and have been dating a man for the last 8 months. We are around the same age although he has no DC yet but said he is open to them in the future. I introduced him to DS about 3 months ago and we have had some days out together, which DS really enjoyed. I've suggested we book a summer holiday together the 3 of us and after a lot of back and forth DP has said he doesn't want to go away with DS for now or if so, only for a night or two and he will do a separate solo summer trip. I probed him about why and he said he finds being around him DS lovely but a bit exhausting and he doesn't feel he wants to spend his only summer break catering to DS and child friendly activities. DS has autism so requires some extra attentiveness and accomodations when going out but is a total sweetheart. I love this man and am devastated/ don't know how to reply about not wanting to away with DS and I. Is this a sign I should break it off? I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

Just a hint OP - but no one really enjoys other people's children. Its hardly the fairy tale. A lot of stepparents make it work, but its not easy, so its good he is being honest with you.

I'm going to go against the grain - I don't think the OP introduced them too early. Just how long is she supposed to wait??

I guess he might be finding days out with your DS exhausting but I think that's ok. If you have no experience of kids I think it can be quite surprising how hard work they are. Obviously it's not going to work if he's not prepared to spend time with your DS but it doesn't sound like that's the case, he's just not keen on the idea of a full on holiday. I think that's fine. If you like him and it's going well, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

I completely agree with him, it’s far too soon to be taking family holidays together.

Its not about not wanting a future with you, he’s taking things at a good pace and I think you’re trying to rush him here.

Hrs being very sensible imo. It’s refreshing compared to some of the threads on here where men are moving in after about 10 minutes.

Again your creating this narrative that it was just "inconvenient' to me out of nowhere. When I say I can afford 1-2 evenings of childcare a month younger that covers anything and everything I want or need to do child free? I'm sure it sounds very easy from your life to judge me because after getting to know someone for 6 months, and my child becoming aware of them, I had to introduce a friend as some kind of terrible parent but you just sound like you have zero idea about being a lone parent in the real world.

I’d have way more red flags and concerns if he was already trying to step in to a parental role and wanted to spend that much time with your son. Kids are hard work, he barely knows him. His relationship is with you, it’s still early days. I wouldn’t expect to play happy families until that develops more naturally

Totally agree. I see him as being very honest and sensible. It’s all green flags imo.

Right, so your boyfriend has to fit into that then. That’s what you’re not seeming to grasp.

You can’t have a normal dating life as a single parent with no support, that’s really unfortunate but it is simply a fact. It’s still not an excuse to try and push your boyfriend of 8 months and child together for a family holiday!

I've asked several times for someone to say when this should be because everyone wants to shout too soon without naming a time themselves. The only answer given was a year and in practice in order for me to see this man totally in secret for a year that would also mean having no other adult child free socialising for a year with any friends or school mums, work parties etc as id have to use every baby sitting opportunity to solely see this man

I feel by now he should be ready to accept DS and I as a package

at 8 months???

I totally get this and I agree I'd be concerned if he was too far the other way. On reflection what he said about DS wasn't too bad I think I have just reacted and taken it overly personally because to me DS is perfect and I don't resent him being "hard work" but logically I can see how it might be too much for someone else

It’s a huge adjustment for a childless person to adapt their life to include a child. You need to slow down and give him time to adjust and get used to things slowly.

Rushing will push him away

FGS I already said I misjudged going away! I was responding to PP suggestion I am selfish or irresponsible simply for having a relationship and introducing them to my child. I understand I can't have a completely "normal" dating life but some PP are not living in the real world at all with how you suggest lone parents should date if they're going to agree all (and it's even been insinuated that by dating at all I'm not considering my child's interests).

I hope it happen more naturally for you all but he already knows you’re a package deal and he must still see a future with you, but I guess you can’t expect him to enjoy spending time with your son as much as you do. It’s difficult when looking for a future relationship as a single parent because no one else is going to love your children like you do. He sounds sensible taking it slowly, which is a good sign and will give you plenty of time to assess if he’s going to be someone you want in your sons life long term

You are saying 8 months, introduced after 6, but you’ve also said you could only meet once or twice a month due to babysitters which means you introduced your son to this man after about 9 meet-ups (using averages). That is no where near enough. No where near enough to be ‘in love’, and no where near enough to know him well enough that it was safe to introduce him. Which means that this isn’t real but rather a fantasy on your part. The idea of a week long holiday at this stage is basically absurd.
you are using hyperbole about having no choice ‘so what you can’t date until he’s an adult’ etc when that’s not what anyone is saying. Work around it; meet when he’s at school, when he’s at a friends, when he’s with his dad, when he’s at extra curricular, when he’s with other grandparents etc etc plenty of options. It isn’t no dating at all until he’s 18.

I’m not creating a narrative. I’m taking you at your word. You’ve said, multiple times, that

it's almost impossible to get enough childcare to continue a relationship without some sort of meeting DS unless we are only going to see each other once or twice a month when I can afford a babysitter

and

If you want to spend more time with me than 1-2 days a month, I have a child with me

And I’ve said that means you see him twice a month. If your financial or time constraints mean that’s out of your reach, you see him less than that. You chose not to do that, because it wasn’t what you wanted. So, yes, you introduced them for your own convenience. It made it possible for you to do what you wanted - see your DP more often.

That’s what you don’t seem to be getting - the fact that you want to see him more doesn’t mean you are entitled to or that it’s in the best interests of your child.

You know nothing about my life. You are not the first single parent to navigate dating and you will not be the last. Claiming that ‘nobody understands’ is just silly.

Again I ask what is the perfect interval at which I stop pretending I don't have the full time responsibility of a child? Are you a lone parent? Because I don't feel that some PP really get it. As with my friends as well, I have a child with me at all times when he isn't in school. If you want to see me on the weekend, an evening, heck even have a a phone call with me- I have to multitask as I have a child in responsible for. There is no "me" alone. For everyone saying see someone every now and then for years and years before you introduce them to your child, you're not living in reality. That doesn't mean I'm parading our relationship in front of my son, as far as he has seen this man is a friend no different to my other friends. I get I misjudged the holiday but comments like yours that I am somehow not a package deal and someone should be able to spend time with me and never have to acknowledge or accept I'm a mother is ridiculous.

I hear your frustration, and I don’t doubt how hard it is to be the primary caregiver with little to no break. That said, finding someone else’s child exhausting doesn’t automatically mean someone is dismissing your reality or refusing to acknowledge you're a package deal. It’s a valid feeling—especially early on in a relationship where someone is still adjusting to the dynamic of dating a parent.

There’s a difference between expecting to never engage with your child and just needing time and space to build comfort with the situation. Being honest about feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean someone sees your child as a burden or wants to pretend they don’t exist. It can mean they’re being self-aware about what they’re capable of handling emotionally and practically.

The truth is, dating as a single parent requires both people to communicate their needs clearly—and that includes your need for someone who accepts your life as it is and their need to adjust to that reality in a sustainable way. Not everyone will be the right fit, and that’s okay. But framing any discomfort or exhaustion as a lack of understanding or respect might shut down dialogue rather than open it up.

You're right to expect acknowledgment that you're a mother. But it's also fair for a partner to acknowledge their own limits without being cast as selfish or unrealistic. Relationships require empathy in both directions.

Was too soon to introduce him to your son and if this is his attitude now it will only worsen. Break it off

Totally agree. Sometimes men can’t win it seems. If after just over half a year he said he loved her, was ready to be a father and wanted to move in and be on all holidays then that would also be construed by many as a red flag.

As it is, BF seems to very sensibly be taking things slow and is honest that after just over half a year he’s not ready for a long involved holiday. To me he’s a green flag by being honest and open about what his concerns are. The fact he’s willing to do shorter breaks and still build on the relationship shows he is mature and same as any other person dating just wanting to proceed with caution as he gets to know her. After all, you only get the true measure of what someone’s really like after at least a year or so.

Why don't you tell me what is in the beat interests of my child? Because all you're doing is criticising and assuming. Please explain how exactly it should be done in my circumstances.

Youre insistent everything is about me as though I don't literally live for my son, just because my child has met a man! Just as he's met all my other friends (yes some of them are shocking horror male!) because I don't have hours and hours of childcare. Your logic makes no sense in that I should introduce this friend to my son until I've spent a year getting to know him and I'm meant to get to know him by never being able to see him or speak to him on the phone and then at this magical interval that's when I'll not be a terrible parent even though I'd barely know the man he's meeting because I haven't spend any time with him.

I agree I know nothing about your life but if you are a lone parent to a SEN child perhaps you're preface your advice with that but then I don't think you'd be coming at this from such an unrealistic pov. Your coming at this as though I introduced him as my BF to my son from the get go, which I didn't and still btw haven't told my son we are in a relationship. My son doesn't see this man as special for spending time with us because he has to spend time with most of my friends!

Taking on somebody else’s child especially when you don’t have any of your own and with added extra needs on top is hard.

He is being honest with you and if I were you I’d throw this one back. It is a huge sacrifice and hardship to help raise/live with someone else’s child and this obviously isn’t for him.

It's a good job that he has said this.

He's applying some sense to the situation

Also @ForZanyAquaViewer I'm not saying no one understands. Plenty of posters have been understanding and helpful in the perspective they've given me. I've only said you and PP who are suggesting I'm irresponsible, neglecting my child's safeguarding, am selfish, for wanting to date don't understand!

Thank you this is really helpful advice. Tbh I think I just overreacted because I'm sensitive about DS and his needs. What he said wasn't that bad and I did misjudge going away together, I think in the moment I just read it as him judging DS which on reflection isn't what he was saying at all.