I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

Bluntly, that's on them, then. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated.

My own mother is a chronic worrier, who likes to tell her adult children about her travails lying awake saying novenas at 3 am for our safety, catastrophising any slight worry into disaster.

The result is that all but one of her children never tell her anything. I went through cancer from diagnosis to treatment to remission without telling her a thing. Because I do not need to have to manage my parents' worry as well as my own.

Your brother is being a brat. Can I come instead 😂😂

I think cancelling the trip and claiming on insurance is the best choice! You can't go on a holiday when neither of the people paying can make it, if there's an option to cancel!

Ultimately your desire to see this race doesn't outweigh your db's desire to do the things he enjoys on his holiday. Why is he a "brat" for wanting things his way and you aren't for wanting things your way?

But the whole thing is weirdly childish. Let your parents get their money back and make your own arrangements separate to the brother you clearly don't see eye to eye with.

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all, I wouldn't chaperone my 26 year old sister to any event, let alone one in a safe, first world country. That's the most spolied thing I've heard.

Why not just lie to your parents and say he went and you both enjoyed the day. I normally wouldn't bother lying but I'm afraid they have brought it upon themselves, having to go to hospital (?) because their adult child went to London, I mean come on.

I do think the decision making on an activity you don't really want to do is very different if all your costs are covered - and 10 days worth of food/ drink on holiday if you're eating out for every meal could come to quite a large amount.

Just accept he's not going on this trip. Then decide what you want to do.

I think the fact he’d rather neither of us did any of it rather than two afternoons at the f1, is quite bratty!

Ask around today, friends who might want to go, see if anyone is available. Assume hotel and f1 ticket is covered so it’s just cost of changing a flight to their name and spending money there. At 26, if I could get the time off work, I’d have bitten your hand off!

Start by seeing if there’s someone else, then if no one is free, tell your parents to cancel and claim on insurance as brother doesn’t want to go. When everyone is better, you and your dad go back to going away to watch f1 just the two of you. Discourage any big family holiday plans.

My daughter is going to Hungary to watch the grand prix next week.

Why can't you go on your own, you're a 25 year old grown ass woman.

oh yes, your brother is being bratty. So stop letting him control everything. Cancel. Get a refund. Refuse to entertain the idea of a big family trip again because of dbs behaviour.

2 points.

1. It's NOT a free holiday if he now has to spend money on food and expenses. It's absolutely reasonable for him not to want to! It's his money! He clearly wants to use it for other things. Saving? A holiday with friends? An xbox? It could ne anything and it is not for you to dictate what your brother does with his own money.

1. Maybe you would "suck it up". He clearly doesn't want to. And neither would I or many other people. Again, it's not for you to decide what someone wants to do with their time.

Try looking from your brothers perspective. He now has to spend money he hasn't budgeted for on a holiday he thought was all expenses paid and he is expected to attend an event be finds boring for 2 whole days. Can you really not see why he doesn't find this appealing? Especially since it sounds like he is not always like this as you've holidayed together before.

Just go alone and tell your parents your brother went - totally a non problem

So why do you want to make him go ?? He hates it

I think you're just trying to demean him because he isn't doing what you want. You're both acting like kids tbh.

I just can't get over your assumption that you'll still go without your parents, it seems really selfish!

Not the assumption. The direct order from our parents that we still go!

He’s always tight. We could absolutely eat on a budget, he’s just being a dick because he doesn’t want to spend anything at all. He saves for the sake of saving. He literally pulls it all out of the bank to have cash. It’s not like he’s got pressing issues.

I STILL don’t really understand why you can’t go to the race on your own. Do your parents need to know if you go on your own? I’m assuming you’re a grown woman.

Don't tell them? Just bith say you will be doing this and then go your separate was once you get there. I can't really see why he needs to be there with you. If he doesn't like F1 then it's going to be like hanging out with a dementor anyway!

I think moaning carcass is the best insult I’ve read in a long time 🤣

Op wasnt saying 'third world' she was saying 'third world war' zone as in WWI, WW2, WW3, i.e. dangerous.

My lord your parents sound a bit unhinged and controlling. If my child were away and I felt anxious I certainly wouldn't tell them. I'd just check in and say I hope your having a nice time. This is not acceptable behaviour especially as your a fully grown adult. I had kids at your age a home and my own life. I can't imagine my parents treating me like a 5 year old. Do you feel a bit suffocated by their behaviour?

It’s because they’re so anxious

Not particularly. We’ve always checked in etc and I adore them, they’re the best parents I could’ve asked for!

I would hate to be 'forced' to go along to the F1 just because my sibling loves it. I hate it, my husband loves it. I wouldn't even go if he begged me to - or, if I did, I'd be the person in the crowd reading my Kindle! Why do you think he should have to suck it up? Nothing more boring that having to be somewhere for 1 or 2 days just to suit somebody else's agenda!
You seem to be very sure that you've got the right to dictate what your brother does and doesn't want to do! If I were him, I'd be furious with your entitled attitude.

I can think of so many who would go with you - heck I'd even go. I may not be the most ardent F1 fan but watch it when every one else does. What an absolutely wonderful experience

Well this is the crux of the problem surely?! He accepted the offer of “pretty much an all expenses paid trip to Italy” and now he finds out that he has to pay for all his own food and excursions for 10 days. For someone on minimum wage who hasn’t planned and saved for this, this is likely to be unaffordable. Especially at the race where food/drinks will be extortionate.

I don’t think brother is being unreasonable here.