I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

If it wasn’t for all the health issues I would, but they just need some calm right now.

I could ask friends but it’s such short notice for a ten day trip!

Why wouldn't going to a F1 race be 'safe', with or without your brother?

This whole holiday sounds quite mad, with various mysterious conditions attached to it. I don't understand why your parents were so insistent that your brother attend an event he has no interest in with you in the first place...? You're not 'travelling' -- the racing track is only a few miles from the city centre, and is well-served by public transport. I've never gone out there, but from what I remember DH and DS got the bus there and a taxi back to where they were staying.

My parents get anxious about me travelling on my own. Usually I stand up to it, but with all the health issues they’ve had this year I just want them to be calm.

The holiday is quite simple - we go to Rome before we travel up to a small town outside of Milan for the race.

the only condition to us going without my parents was that we both went to the f1 race

😂

This is really easy - either do the trip with db but do f1 on your own, or, what I would do and is fairer to your poor parents is cancel it all and they get refunded.

I wouldn’t drag him to f1 and pay, no. You’re both adults…

This sounds a little like you might be the golden child. And your brother has had enough of it all being about you. And initially you said he wanted you to pay for everything if he did go to the race or he wouldn’t go. Later youve said you’d be happy to pay for his food and drink. So what’s the problem sounds like he’s compromised by giving up two days of his holiday to go something you want to do if he isn’t out of pocket. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

That's so annoying, OP! Could you possibly have an honest chat with your parents and explain the situation? Maybe they would offer to pay for your brothers food and drink at the race track?

Your brother is being very negative about this opportunity for a lovely holiday and a F1 race! Maybe he has some money worries?

I’m definitely not the golden child.

the trip was originally for me and my dad. He only feels comfortable travelling if my mum is there too - that’s his choice because of his health issues. I’d be happy to pay his food and drink for two afternoons but not for ten days! I don’t think that makes me unreasonable.

You say he's 'being a dick about money' but do you actually know what his financial situation is?

I have two sons, 25 and 23. The 25 year old is in a city job and is well-paid and the 23 year old is on a minimum wage contract with literally no flex or savings for extravagances. He comes out with us as a family if one of the rest of us makes it clear we're happy to pay, but otherwise doesn't, as he simply can't afford it!

We're not offended by it, and we don't call him a 'dick' about it, we just understand his situation is different to DS1 and ours.

TBH I can see your brother's POV, OP - the dynamics of the trip have changed and he probably doesn't want to waste his hard-earned cash on something he doesn't enjoy with his grumpy and judgmental sister!

My “poor” parents are the ones saying they want to pay for it!

I’d want it cancelled to be honest to teach him a lesson, but that’s me…

He makes more than I do - we’re both minimum wage but he works more than I do.

Depending on his job, he may have limited ability to alter his shift at short notice?

He works at a small hotel - he can (and often does!) change shifts as and when he wants - for example he could easily phone them and say he’s not going in till 7, or that tomorrow he won’t be in, but he won’t because he wants to get money.

Cancel the trip and go another time with just your dad. I think you need to stop forcing things with your brother.

They’re poor in the sense they’re poorly - I’d want them to cancel because I’d want to rebook it with them, and your brother is going to ruin it for you.

taking someone who couldn’t care less to something you’re really excited about is a recipe for a bad holiday and a lifelong grudge…

Surely, if your parents now can't go on the trip they are paying for, you don't go and they get to claim their money back.
Seems like the best solution

I don't understand this. Of course Monza is safe. You go with brother to Italy. You take yourself off to Monza. You might even find a buyer for the spare ticket there. You don't tell your parents .... or just say your brother was violently ill that morning.

You're in your 20s, right? Are there cultural reasons why you need permission from your parents, or disabilities at play?

Monza is safe; I've been to the F1 there. It's a great day out.

The thing is we genuinely get on well. We go on trips to the football together, we’re planning a couple of trips next year with each other. He can be a bit stingy or slow to pay me back but he generally does. But he’s just gone mental over this trip and started being really spoilt.

They don’t want to do this as they’ve cancelled a fair few trips in the last year (it’s been like a comedy. They book a holiday, get to the week before, something goes wrong and they can’t go), and they’d rather not claim again.

Parents anxious about a 26 year old travelling to a race / being at a race in a first world country is one of the most utterly bonkers things I’ve ever heard.

My 16 year old has travelled to Spain, Ireland all over, got buses, flights all unaccompanied.

You all sound deeply emeshed tbh

They just get anxious. I don’t know what else I can say? They’ll start going on that they didn’t sleep, my dad will text me in the middle of the night when I’m away, and then start saying that because he’s tired he can feel his heart starting to go funny.

Perhaps your brother works full time and has limited holiday, so is thinking about whether trips/activities/holidays with parents are more stressful than relaxing? I have very limited holiday. Last thing I’d want to do is a trip that I’d hate, while also having responsibility for ageing parents. I need my limited holidays to relax and recouperate.

They sound controlling. Are you never going to be able to travel without a chaperone?

Not cultural, they just get anxious. They watch a LOT of stuff like GBNews etc which has convinced them most of the world outside of our little town is a third world war zone. I went to London for a weekend recently and they’d call me and remind me to not have my phone out, we’re anxious about me going on the tube alone at night, stayed up until I got back to my Airbnb. It’s just how they are