I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

Definitely not full time and unlimited holidays. He was happy to go when someone was paying for it all 😂

Still, when/if he has a family and children of his own, all this enmeshed business of going away with parents on their say so will need to stop.

Ok. So controlling, and a tiny bit racist (London a third world .... I think we get what they really mean).

I do get that given they are ill you don’t want to worry them but that has to stop at some stage. They need to keep those thoughts to themselves.

It sounds to me like he was onboard with the trip while he thought your parents were paying for everything. Maybe he genuinely doesn’t have the funds to cover his expenses for 10 days? Are you half board at the hotel or anything? Just because he earns more than you doesn’t mean he has more disposable income , he could have debt you’re unaware of, more financial commitments such as car finance. Do you both still live at home?

In Your shoes I would have an honest conversation with DB. If it’s just a case of not wanting to do the F1 then you could just go on your own, your parents would be none the wiser or you cancel the trip and rebook for when you can all go.

He doesn’t have children. It’s not “going away on their day so”, it was an offer for a family holiday. Are you saying if your parents offered you pretty much an all expenses paid trip to Italy you’d say no, because it’s “weird” to go away with family past the age of 18?

maybe you need to show your parents it’ll be ok @WanderBug16 ? That you’ve got this and aren’t worried and they shouldn’t be.

I'd tell your brother what I'd tell my 4 year old: you get this, or nothing.
He can't choose what "this" is, that was your and your parents' decision. He can have it or not, he doesn't get to choose x, y, z. What an entitled man child.

I have to say, I’ve no interest in F1 but I’d suck it up for a few hours for a free trip to Italy but that’s just me. Assuming you’ll do other things while you’re there? Trevi fountain, colloseum etc?

We have adult children. Once in a blue moon we offer a family holiday. However, we accept and embrace our children’s need to have their own lives. They are all working full time and will one day have children. It would be unreasonable of us to offer to pay for a holiday, then expect them to drop all their plans every five minutes because of our health scares, or go to places they desperately hate.

Dump your brother and take a friend on holiday. Hell, take me.

Your parents are being a bit ridiculous about you travelling alone and if you keep giving in to them they're not going to get better. I'm sure they grew up without mobile phones.

I don’t think needing a trip to the hospital for emergency eye surgery is quite expecting us to drop all plans 😂 I also reject that he hates it, he’s just being a brat

I’m trying to work on their anxiety and the shit they consume and allow to brain wash them but it’s slow progress

I’m not entirely sure why they think I haven’t, ive travelled a bit in the past without them and they know I can do it. It’s just the last twelve months, they’ve really bought into the rhetoric that the world is no longer safe

Just go on holiday together and let your brother decide on the day if he's coming to the race with you. By that stage it will be too late for your parents to cancel the holiday, and if your brother decides not to come to the track he will be the one having to explain it to the parents.

@WanderBug16 others have suggested that you and your brother go to Italy. You go to the race alone. Your brother does what he wants. You don’t tell your parents that your brother didn’t go to the race. Why is this not an option? What the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over.

I’d be happy with that, I’m not 100% sure if he would, but then it’s just the aspect of lying to people who have spent a considerable amount of money on the holiday isn’t it

I feel like this really is the crux of it.
He was happy to go on a holiday that was fully paid for. He now doesn't want to- or can't- pay for 10 days worth of food and expenses.

It sounds like the holiday wasn't really "for him" in the first place but he was happy to tag along. Things have now changed and he now has to spend money on a holiday he wouldn't necessarily have chosen. If he is minimum wage that is entirely reasonable- Rome is a capital city and Italy is in the euro. Its not cheap!

Also I think you sound like a bit of a brat yourself for claiming that he doesn't hate F1. It's not for you to dictate what someone likes/dislikes. It's the kind of thing that is immediately boring if you're not into it. Imagine going to watch cricket or golf for 2 days with a real enthusiast. You'd be bored to tears. I know I would!

Then surely you point out that you're a sensible adult in your mid-20s, not given to putting yourself at excessive risk, and that they need to take responsiblity for their own health, mental health and the media nonsense they consume? And you turn off your phone?

It's frankly silly that they're putting weird conditions on paying for the holiday. If they don't want to cancel, then go, but just don't tell them you went to the F1 by yourself?

It's almost twice the distance from Monza to Rome than it is from London to Paris 😂😂😂

We’re not just in Milan though:)

If I was getting a free ten day trip in Europe I’d definitely suck it up for a day or two! I know his financial situation and he definitely could afford it - he just doesn’t want to.

I’ve tried, so many times, to tell them it’s not how they think. But they just don’t listen, work themselves up and my dad ends up in hospital.

Ah I see but if you did tell them after the holiday that your brother didn’t feel like attending the race on the day what realistically could they do? It all sounds a bit ‘emotional blackmail’ to me. I would probably get your parents to cancel it all and sort your own holidays from now on. Good Luck!

I'd tell parents to cancel and get money on insurance. I couldn't be bothered dealing with a brother who behaved in such an unreasonable manner.