I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

This really escalated. What’s with all the weird stroppy posts today, allegedly from women in their twenties who live at home? 😆

Is this cultural? Because your angry obligation seems to show that you don’t realise that you don’t have to do anything for your well-off parents. They can sort themselves out. Children are not obliged to do what you’re apparently doing, with a fuck ton of resentment.

The 100000th reason why I miss the laugh emoji .

100% team brother. He's the only normal sane person in this whole shitshow.
A father who says he has to go to hospital for his heart due to you visiting London for a day isn't the best parent ever, it's a manipulative, bordering on emotionally abusive, arse.
He's on minimum wage in a hotel- he was offered a trip he didnt need to pay anything for, so I don't blame him for not wanting to spend money now. If your well off parents need him to go with you, they should be sticking money in his account to cover it.
Repeatedly calling him a cunt and saying he's rotting away; a disgusting way to speak about a sibling that has done nothing to deserve it; all he's done is put boundaries in place to protect himself from your batshit parents.
More fool you for not doing the same l!
They need to stop booking holidays they can't go on.

But you wouldn't be "travelling on your own". You'd be taking a local day trip. It's the equivalent of going shopping for an afternoon.

Just because you bully your child, doesn't mean the OP should bully her brother. I would hate to be treated like that.

For the holiday @WanderBug16 , could one of you fly with your dad and the other get the train with your mum?

They can clearly afford the taxi...so yes let them get a taxi.

Why would you both need to be there to take your mum to a hospital appointment? He had work. This is a bizarre family set up.

If I were you OP, I'd just let them cancel it all.

Then just go in a holiday of my own.

Don't your dad try and manipulate you into not going, by reminding him that brother is perfectly capable of taking him to hospital for his heart.

Stop being a martyr.

Let them take taxis to appointments, if they can afford a 10!day trip for 4 people,all expenses paid AND F1 tickets for 2 days on top, they're hardly scraping by on a state pension., so they can foot a £30 taxi bill.

Op, I personally think your brother will just push and see if he can get away with not paying anything. I’d personally tell him
to Foff and that he has to be the one explaining to your parents why they have to claim when they don’t want to.

I would also be very careful how I treat this issue as if you let him get away with it it sets the road for how you manage your parents in the future. They will have more and more health issues and it’s only fare he does his fare share of looking after them.

He works more than you do and is always doing shifts, yet is also rotting in his room? Which is it?

You're directing your anger in the wrong direction. It's not unreasonable, if you're on minimum wage, to not want to spend any money on what you were told was an all-expenses-paid trip. It's not unreasonable in any circumstances to not want to spend two holiday days out of 10 doing an activity you dislike (I would also refuse point blank to spend one-fifth of a holiday in Italy watching F1). In the larger picture it's not unreasonable to not take time off work on a whim to ferry people to and from hospital if they have other options available.

On the other hand it is absolutely unhinged to mandate that a holiday is dependent on two grown adults going to an F1 race together and unhinged to infantilise a 26yo woman to the point that she feels uncomfortable attending a normal large event on her own. Your parents' level of anxiety is a huge issue - much more than your brother's behaviour. Instead of dealing with it, you're tiptoeing around it, bending over backwards to accommodate it and taking your anger out on him.

Also: just lie FGS. I had controlling parents who didn't want me doing certain things, even as an adult. So I lied and didn't tell them what I was doing. Go to Italy with your brother. Go to Monza by yourself and let him do things he actually enjoys. Tell your parents you both went. End.

seriously though - at what age are you going to be able to make your own decisions without that kind of emotional blackmail - maybe its not done on purpose but its clearly affecting you all - are you going to stay in your village for ever? are you allowed to go to any city? will 40 be old enough? you do see don't you that pandering to people's fears doesn't make anyone's life better - they won't believe you're a man until you do act without their say so and survive it and will never stop being stressed about you and your life until you can demonstrate it to them - being kind doesn't actually help anyone: just like with kids OF COURSE you want to protect them forever but if you are not actually going to stay alive forever to do that you have to give them the tools to cope and then let them practice

Ugh, how suffocating. Why have you never sorted this out? It's no way for an adult to live.

Right, so if I tell my 4 year old you can have 1 scoop ice cream for dessert, and she wants 3 with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, I should just say yes? 🙄🙄🙄 I don't bully my child by holding boundaries, in her interests too.
We're talking about holidays, treats, etc. Not needs. The brother is demanding to have his cake and eat it too. The answer is no. Which, unlike my 4 year old, he seems incapable of understanding.
Just because you have zero boundaries and would let someone walk all over you doesn’t mean the OP should too (see how sweeping comments about someone you don't know are nonsense?).

He’s obviously being a dick (as you say). I mean I have absolutely no interest in F1, but if somebody was to pay for me to go to a race, I’d still go, if only to confirm I didn’t like it. I mean it’s one of the premier sporting events in the world!

If it weren't for your brother not being willing to pay for anything I'd say just lie and say your brother went with you to the raise / say he got ill. It's not a lie that's going to hurt anyone. Are you willing to pay for everything? If not then just don't go. It sounds like a massive headache and your parents need to learn to trust you!

Why must he go to the race?

Forcing your brother into behaving the way you want him to is not going to work and may likely ruin a ten day holiday. Furthermore,he has a point about the F1, I’d personally hate that. Given these weird restrictions put on the holiday and the fact that your parents believe a 25 year old can’t travel independently I would see cancelling as being the only solution here.

I think at 25 you and your brother need to start standing up for yourselves and doing things on your own. I was married and living abroad with a child at your age. My parents had no idea what I was up to. It all sounds a bit unhealthy.

You mean he's hardworking.

How old are you? You sound like a couple of kids arguing. You don't come out of this particularly well, you sound like a right mummy's baby.

Yeah I agree, If OP is going to act like child then it makes sense that her parents continue to treat her like a child.

I doubt I’d go on a holiday if I had to spend two afternoons at a race track of any kind. If he’s not interested he’s not interested. I’d cancel that whole trip as it sounds like just the two of you would be unpleasant anyway.

Honestly of all the sometimes weird threads on MN this is the weirdest.

All the parties in this psychodrama need
to grow up, and that includes OPs parents.

OPs brother is at least trying , clumsily, to separate himself from this stultifying and suffocating environment.