I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

They’re incredibly comfortable. They’re not worried about potentially losing the money

Because frankly he should’ve been preparing to have to pay for the food, or at least take some spending money!

Get them to buy him some travellers cheques that'll confuse the fuck out of him to pay for his food.

😉

edited - ah, bugger. You can't get them anymore.

Ask them to bung him a couple of hundred euros, or give them the option of cancelling 3 tickets.

Put your foot down. You're going.

Why!!!!??? That was not what he was offered or what he agreed to!!!!

If someone says "this is all paid for" you wouldn't budget for it. And £200 is a monthly food bill for many people!

It. Is. Not. Up. To. You. How. He. Spends. His. Own. Money.

Because I didn’t realise he’s that much of a spoilt brat and baby that he expected everything to be paid for down to the snacks on the plane!

Tbh, the way you talk about him, it doesn’t seem as if you like him very much. Would you guys really enjoy a holiday together even if it is free or low cost? I would just say to parents, it’s not for the two of you, you’d get on each other’s nerves too much so either you go alone or not at all. They can then decide if they want to fund it. You could decide to have a holiday and pay for it yourself? Like most of us do?

Then you’d be wrong.

He works a MW job, but does extra hours so he is able to save for his future (not “for the sake of saving”) and doesn’t want to throw money away at something he won’t enjoy. He is setting his boundaries rather than cowtowing to what you and his parents think. That’s what adults do.

You are pandering to your parents’ suggestion that at 26 you can’t travel alone, you are name calling him for being a sensible guy, and moaning about how this is all about you.

It’s clear who needs to needs to grow up in this scenario and it definitely isn’t your younger brother.

He is not being a brat.

The terms of the holiday have changed. He was told everything would be paid for, which is why he agreed to go. He clearly wouldn't have booked it for himself.

You are being so entitled. You have expectations of how you think your brother should behave and are salty because he isn't going along with what you want.

Grow up.

He's on minimum wage, your parents are well off, I expect they get a big a kick out of treating you both every now and then, I don't think he's being a brat in having expected his parents to pay for him, since that's what they always do, or not wanting to pay for himself, since he is on minimum wage and Italy is not a cheap country to spend 10 days in, especially if 2 of them are at an F1 race.

You are being really unreasonable. It's not up to you how your brother spends his money. It's not unreasonable of him to assume his parents would have paid for stuff out there. I would never dream of inviting any of my children earning minimum wage on a fancy 10 day holiday to Italy without also assuming I'd need to pick up the living out there. I might appreciate a token contribution, but I wouldn't expect it. I don't think your parents would expect it. You don't invite people significantly less well off you for 10 days in Italy including 2 at the Grand Prix without an understanding that they won't be able to afford it out there.

You think he's being a brat because he won't do what you want to do (and he doesn't) and pay for it out of his own pocket?

How about you don't do the F1? Or go to the F1 on your own? Or you compensate him by paying for his food so he's not out of pocket for accompanying you on a trip he's not really interested in going on? All of these would be reasonable.

OP, you are the brat! It's your way only or you throw insults around. I'm glad your brother is standing up to your abusive ways.

How about you compromise, rather than expecting him to, and pay for the privilege of being your carer/companion on a trip he doesn't want to go on?

And if your parents are really so controlling then that needs addressing. It's not kind or reasonable behaviour, however you try to dress it up.

You and your parents both sound controlling and think you get to dictate what your grown brother does with his own time and his own money. Very Toxic behaviour. It's pretty clear that you're the golden child who always gets their own way too! Why does the whole family think that you getting to do what you want is more important than your DB getting to do what he wants with his own time and his own money?

@WanderBug16 here's a thought...If you go, and either of your parents - thinking particularly of their recent medical issues - need help, or a trip to the hospital...will he step up?
Or, is he hoping the trip is cancelled so that you can do the "woman work" of caring for your parents?
Something to consider for the future.

edited to say by "you" I mean OP alone and not the Royal "you" which includes brother.

One of the big issues with the whole situation is that your parents’s behaviour is abnormal. I’m saying this as the parent of a 26 year old DD. Whatever you decide to do about this situation, in the long term the other bit needs addressing for all your sakes.

You do realise that if your parents cancel it’s more than likely you won’t be covered for their ill health.

I think we would be, or if not, I’ve got my own travel insurance. But they don’t want to cancel anyway

Oh he wouldn’t go. He’s refused to come over to the hospital this afternoon because it would mean missing a shift at work.

So the insistence he goes with you to F1 has nothing to do with how difficult it is to sell a solo ticket as you said before.

The bottom line is, they don’t trust you to go to F1 on your own. Instead of hashing that out with your parents, you’ve decided to pick on your brother (who probably also thinks it’s ridiculous) and call him a spoiled brat.

I’m on minimum wage too. I didn’t expect them to pay my way to the point that I hadn’t put anything aside for the trip.

I thought OP had said upthread they were flying into Rome. Must have misread it. I’ve never been so no idea on the geography of the area.

We are. Three days in Rome, train to Milan and then the f1

This isn't just about a holiday that he doesn't want to go on.

And that's why he's refusing to budge. He doesn't want to help.

Look forwards 10 or 20+ years...

He'll visit them once a week and still be golden bollocks.
You'll be there every day, like Cinderella.

At least you have advanced warning of how he'll dump it all on you.

You really need to learn understand that not every person thinks or feels the same.

Just because you were going to offer to pay for food etc out there (which presumably your parents would have turned down) doesn't mean he needed to.

He clearly doesn't want to spend money on holidays and would rather save. That is a valid and reasonable choice. As is your choice to spend money on holiday.

Full disclosure, I'm a traveller with zero savings and 3 bougie holidays booked this year. And I still think you're being a dick to your brother!

Fair enough but I think him then point blank refusing to spend anything makes him a brat. Like come on, use your head.

This is a massive leap.

He didn't want to miss work to go to hospital where his mother (grown adult) is with his sister (grown adult). What reason did he need to be there? The mum has support and a lift home. She wasn't in a life threatening situation. Why would he miss work for that?

I dunno where you work but I can't just announce I'm taking a day off to visit someone in hospital!

He sounds quite controlling.

You're going to Italy, not the deepest part of the Amazon. You're probably at as much risk of hassle, mugging etc in your own home town as Monza. And you're 26 so presumably have some street -sense.

I certainly wouldn't want to be dragging round a highly reluctant person to an event they hate- for 2 days. It's bad enough with DP at the supermarket for 20 mins.

I suggest you either go alone, ask around for a friend to join you, or the parents cancel the whole thing.