I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

You previously indicated your parents are comfortable financially, so what's £30 on taxis? Wouldn't the wait for their appointment be the same whether you're there or not? Seriously, why aren't your parents using their financial comfort to pay for help - carers, cleaners, transport etc? Whilst you obviously want to support, you need to remember that you aren't responsible for your parents and their health. Neither is your brother. You shouldn't stop living your life because of how your parents will respond.

So it is because you’ve kicked off about still wanting to go and they’re not prepared to fund your food if they’re not there. This is a whole pile of control going on.

Take him with you, let him skip the races, but let your parents think he went?

Don't cave on the "you pay for everything" though - that's taking the mick.

The way you talk to posters here makes me think your bro will dodge a bullet if he stays home!

I don’t understand. You are 26 and your parents effectively won’t let you go to a Grand Prix (a daytime event) by yourself? It all seems a bit mad.

Your parents won’t be able to claim on their insurance for you and your brother not going.

As you are both over 18 you’ll be on different policies and you CAN travel without your parents.

Their medical conditions don’t stop you travelling.

Travel insurance doesn’t cover you when you decide not to go because the rest of your party can’t travel.

Yes your parents can take a taxi. Any time they want to. They just want to control you all the time. It’s seriously unhealthy and you need to step way back and let them figure it out.

They’re not paying because they have children, who of course have to step up and help!

All the family dynamics here sound really really messed up OP, and all of you are behaving as if you and your brother are still children. Your brother is pulling away from your parent's excessive, illogical and unreasonable demands, while you're leaning into the demands, bending over backwards to do everything they want, to your own detriment. You're resenting your brother for pulling away, but he's not the problem, they are.

I think that instead of deciding your brother is a dick, you should be taking a leaf out of his book and establishing some healthy boundaries for yourself.

This trip sounds like a nightmare and should be cancelled. They can't go, and it's not right for them to impose such weird conditions on the two of you going which are causing conflict between you. The only sensible solution is that they cancel the trip.

Then next time they ask you to do something for them when you're working, you need to say no sorry I can't help, I'm working then, and they will then have to find another solution. This is a totally normal thing for people to do.

I’m expected to let them wait for potentially hours and spend £30+ on a taxi?

yes.

What does your boss think if all this impacts on your work attendance?

They’re not paying because they have children, who of course have to step up and help!

no they don’t. There are lots of ways to help that don’t involve martyring yourself if that’s what you want to do, or will they only accept help on their terms?

you and your brother are at either end of extreme apparently. Neither of you have the upper hand here.

Their anxiety is not yours to manage, it's theirs. They sound (well your dad does) really manipulative pretending you being out of contact is making him ill. I would be pulling away op, like someone else said it sounds all very enmeshed.

You can't control another persons emotions or feelings, and just beacuse they feel something so what - they won't die from feelings, they aren't facts.

Wow OP. I’d urge you to read the responses you’ve received on here properly and really try to consider what’s being said. It is not normal for your parents to be controlling your holiday in this way. You then in turn are trying to control your brother. You cannot force someone to attend activities with you that they have no interest in. You should be annoyed with your parents for attaching the condition that he has to accompany you (which is as ludicrous as it is sexist). You’re directing your anger at the wrong person.
You all sound pretty dysfunctional tbh. I’d suggest cancelling the trip and not accepting conditional freebies from them in the future.
If you want to do lots for your parents, put yourself out and make sacrifices, that’s up to you. But it’s unreasonable to expect your brother to feel the same. Again, you’re mad at the wrong person. You resent him because deep down you resent doing all the things you do for your parents. Scale it back.

You can't work on it, they need to. You aren't some all powerful being that can control them, they've obviously groomed you to think that - oh my heart, I am so anxious - but it's simply not true. You also don;t need to take them everywhere, it was an emergency but she had your dad there, he sorts the taxi and goes with her. They are married to each other, you are not married to either of them.

The pp didn’t mean ‘carer’ in that sense but in yeh sense that yeh stipulations for this trio seem to be he has to look after his sister!

im with your brother on this. He seemed to be ‘happy’ going as a whole family and not having to spend. Now he has to cover 10 days worth of food and drink and go to the F1 (I would hate that even for 2 afternoons!).

your parents are basically blackmailing him ‘we will still pay if you supervise your sister’ and quite rightly that sounds shit.

you have been brought up like this but this is not normal behaviour with grown up children.

it also doesn’t matter if ‘you’ think he is tight or has the money. Its not up to you or anyone what he spends or doesn’t spend his money on. He thought it was a free holiday it’s now not quite free and has stipulations.

just leave the trip he clearly doesn’t want to go and the way you have stamped your feet (as in it’s what you want to do, how you feel, how you think he should spend his money), I wouldn’t want to go either.

All of this!

Financial comfort means you don't not NEED to rely on the free labour of family. If your health is at risk - you're recovering from operations - then that's poor form from your parents to prioritise their money over your health.

I would hate to attend a grand prix. Up there with horse racing for me - no way. It seems unfair to expect him to go to this if he doesn't want to go.

@WanderBug16 Just in case you are not aware there is an F1 thread. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sports/5242015-f1-2025-watchalong-thread?page=10&reply=145870642

That’s your choice you don’t have to you either want to or have been for want of a better word brain washed into thinking you have to.

your brother doesn’t have to help with any of the medical parent things if he can’t or doesn’t want to, you are being a martyr and it’s not doing you any favours.

your brother is totally right here and pulling away and setting boundaries.

Seriously I wouldn’t miss a shift at work so my parents could avoid a taxi! That’s just silly. Your brother is right to say he has work. Different of course if they were having a heart attack but for an appointment!

Op your parents have you convinced that your role in life is to be their support system. You are 26! What happens if you meet someone and want a family of your own.

Your brother is entitled to his own life.

You were at work. Why on earth would they ask you to do that when they could pay for a taxi?

This is ridiculous! You are far too involved with your parents. Of course they could and should take a taxi. Why would they be waiting ages for a taxi?!

Im totally bewildered that ‘working’ is somehow less important than ‘driving my mother and sister to a scheduled appointment accessible by taxi’.

working is a legitimate priority for most people. Maybe he’s desperate to get out of the house and is saving for a deposit. I would certainly be prioritising that amidst this mess!

Yes! This! I cannot believe OP thinks her brother is a "cunt" for not taking off work for that! There is no way my work would accept "I need to take my mum to hospital for a non life-threatening issue" as a reason to not be in work. Also my mum wouldn't ask because she is a normal fully-functioning adult in her 60s.

Also, OP said he works in a small hotel, so aside from him not getting paid, him being absent presumably impacts his colleagues who have to cover his duties.

I also really don't believe the parents actually need this level of help. It sounds like another layer of control.