I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

Are your parents retired? If so they could take the train to Milan if within 6 weeks of the operation, my dh has had a retina repair and got his eyesight back about 5 weeks after the operation, needed new glasses though (then 3 months later the other eye went) the surgery was amazing

This is wild. I would be looking deeper into how else they control you. Your 26. It’s Italy?!

Are you serious? You are in your 20s and your parents don’t want you to go on your own and a condition is that your brother goes too? Wow. Controlling much?

I’d tell my parents to go ahead and cancel and then book a trip just for myself.

They need the help. So no it’s not okay.

For not wanting to pay to go something he doesn’t enjoy to satisfy a sister who doesn’t like him and parents with unreasonable demands? If your parents were going to foot the food bill if they were going but still want you both to go why aren’t they sending food money ? Or is it because you’ve kicked off about wanting to still go? Honestly looking at everything you’ve written the answer is obvious that they should cancel and claim the costs back on insurance.

No he should just suck it up. I deserve a fucking holiday.

He’s not going to. So you won’t get your holiday.

Op - this isn’t about formula 1. It’s about family dynamics.

like others have mentioned Google golden child and scapegoat. Not to criticise you in any way but just so you see what’s going on here. For your own well-being and happiness.

your relationship with your sibling is important and will ultimately last longer than the ones with your parents so do pause and think before you and your sibling damage it

And that’s why he’s a cunt 😂

Well as I said above, you’ve decided to fall out with him so it doesn’t matter if he’s a cunt or not, you don’t want a relationship with him anyway. Shame all your future trips with him that you mentioned will also have to be cancelled, but life doesn’t always go the way you want it to.

I do fucking everything. Appointments, look after them when they’re sick, cleaning the house while he does nothing

that’s all your choice though? Left to their own devices is there any reason your parents can’t manage their own appointments? Sourcing their own help in the house if they need it? Getting a taxi/uber if they can’t drive somewhere?

neither you or your brother are obliged to parent your parents and he’s choosing not to. That’s up to him and between him and his conscience.

in all honesty you need to sort out encouraging other strategies with them because it’s only going to get more demanding as they age and you’re already resenting it.

saying stuff like you supporting your parents enables him to work really shows how dysfunctional it all is. You sound like you’re in a parenting relationship with a man who doesn’t do anything with his kids.

Oh they will happen. He’ll suck it up and go, because he doesn’t get life his way. Sat rotting on his computer while everyone else does everything in the family.

Tbh you are massively unreasonable to force your wants onto the rest of the family.

Who the hell are you to dictate what he does to come on the holiday?

Again, you’re choosing to do those things. He’s choosing not to. He doesn’t owe you anything because of choices you, an adult, are making. The fact that you think (and are insisting) he does makes you the brat. Which is why you’re getting so little sympathy on here.

Your family dynamic sounds unhealthy (and quite sexist). You’re the put upon girl child who ‘does everything’ and you can’t possibly go on holiday (in Europe, to a major event in a safe city) because they’d be ‘anxious’. Instead of addressing that, asserting yourself as an adult and establishing boundaries (which you can do while still loving your parents), you’re whining like a child that it’s unfair your brother won’t go on holiday with you.

I will also point out that your ‘beyond comfortable’ parents could pay someone to cook and clean, and that there are paid carers available. Options exist.

Of course we’re obliged to. They’re out parents. He just seems to have missed that memo.

No, you're not obliged to care for your parents. Nobody is.

You’re starting to sound a bit unhinged at this point.

I disagree there.

But the issue is that your brother doesn’t seem to be able to say NO.
he is avoidant - says Yes but means No and everyone has to guess that’s what he means.
And now it’s become clear that he’ll have to pay for SOME of the expenses, he wants to backtrack but is putting you in the position where YOU have to say it yo your parents. Not him.

Having said that, I get it’s a free hols etc…. But I dint think you can force someone to do something they dint want. Why on Earth he said Yes to the trip in the first place is anybody’s guess. Unless he was planning to skip the F1 once there with your parents (or hoped to convince your mum to do somethimg else instead).
But if he is stuck to the ‘I’m nit going to,the F1’, then the only thing to do is tell your parents and cancel.
Which is shit fur you. But then you need to remember you’re missing out because of their ill health. If your brother hadn’t joined the hols party, they very clearly would have cancelled wo a second thought.

Pay for your own then and cancel the family trip that nobody except you wants. You need to grow up.

I find it very hard to believe they need the level of care you describe. There is no reason that adults cant go to hospital appointments by themselves, deal with their own medication and clean their own house- especially if they are fit enough for a trip to italy. Which they clearly are or they wouldnt have booked it.

But even if they do, you don't have to give the help. And neither does your brother. You are choosing to do it and he his not. Both choices are valid.

Once again, it is not up to you to dictate what he does.

No, you’re not. You’re not the parents. You’re both in your twenties and should be prioritising your own lives at this point.

I’m speaking from the position of being carer for one parent or another due to terminal or life changing illness since her teens. (With a brother that checked out early on). I was determined to carve out my own adult life because I didn’t want to hit my forties and find that life and all its opportunities had passed me by. As it happened the opportunity to completely focus on my own life didn’t occur till my mid-forties and I’m more convinced than ever I was right and would never expect my own dc to do even a fraction of what I had to because they’re my children, not my carers and my parents were wrong.

If he’s such a cunt, why would you want him
there? I know you said you don’t want to go alone.

Are you afraid your friends and family will think you’re a Billy no mates if you go alone? Because they won’t! It’s fine to do things alone!

You’re angry at the wrong person. This isn’t on your brother, either stand up to your parents manipulation and go on your own or ask a very patient friend

I’m wondering if this is the same poster as the one who posted about using her dad’s mug.

Again, you’re choosing to do those things. He’s choosing not to. He doesn’t owe you anything because of choices you, an adult, are making. The fact that you think (and are insisting) he does makes you the brat.

@ForZanyAquaViewer youre the first person on MN I’ve seen saying that the person who does tge caring for their elderly, ill parents is the brat because they’re chosing to do so aren’t allowed to complain 😁😁

Most people would say that it’s not an unusual situation for the dd to be doing all the hard work and the ds to do fuck all. And it’s shit.