I’m really going to fall out with my brother over a family holiday

[WanderBug16]

I am 26. My brother is 25.

Last year, my dad and I went to a formula one race together. He loved it and we booked tickets to Monza in September. The holiday grew from just being my dad and I to my family - mum, dad, me and brother. This was my parent’s idea and they very kindly offered to pay (which we accepted, obviously 😂)

Over the last 9 months, since booking the tickets, my dad has faced multiple health problems and it’s been uncertain whether he was able to go. The first time this came up it was agreed that no matter what, my brother and I would go on the trip - on the understanding that he came with me to the F1. This was the only condition my parents placed on it and at that time, my brother was fine with it.

My mum is now facing being unable to fly due to a potentially torn retina. Obviously the same discussion has happened again and the same agreement has been reached. No matter what, my brother and I will be going.

He’s now being a brat about the entire thing. Saying he refuses to go to the F1, saying he’ll only go if I pay for everything while he’s there, and just generally kicking off a bit. I want to shake him and get it through his head that he would be getting an entirely free trip to Italy on the basis of him spending two afternoons at a race track. I’d happily go alone but I don’t think my parents would be okay with that, and on this short notice I can’t afford to pay for the entire trip myself and hope for the best.

I’m just venting, really, and a bit pissed off that he’s being this spoilt over a free holiday! We’re so incredibly lucky and fortunate that our parents have said we should still go, instead of cancelling it all.

I agree you are angry at the wrong person. It's really not up to your parents to dictate all this.

You could really benefit from some therapy to address your family enmeshment issue.

If your brother is a “cunt” then why the desperation to go with him? What a miserable way to spend a week…with someone you appear to despise. Why not go with a friend or cousin? This way, you’re accompanied, and likely to have more fun! Such a waste otherwise.

If you listen closely, you can hear the OP stamping her foot...

What

This can't actually be real. People don't actually behave and speak like this

Sound familiar ?

Golden child syndrome manifests in various behavioral and emotional patterns within the family. These signs not only affect the golden child but also have lasting impacts on the entire family system, often creating emotional and psychological strain for everyone involved. Some key signs of golden child syndrome are as follows.

1. Constant praise and favouritism The golden child is frequently praised and complimented, even for minor accomplishments, while their siblings’ achievements may go unnoticed or unacknowledged. This constant favoritism can create an imbalance in the family dynamic.
2. Unrealistic expectations

Parents often hold the golden child to exceptionally high standards, expecting perfection in academics, sports, or social behavior. The child may feel immense pressure to live up to these expectations, sacrificing their own desires or well-being to meet parental approval.

1. Overprotection and special treatment. The golden child may be overprotected by their parents, and shielded from criticism or consequences, while siblings are held accountable for their mistakes. This preferential treatment fosters a sense of entitlement and may hinder the golden child’s ability to handle adversity.
2. Sibling rivalry and resentment

The golden child dynamic often leads to tension between siblings. Other children may feel neglected, develop resentment toward the favored sibling, or experience lower self-esteem as a result of being compared unfavorably.

1. Emotional burden

The golden child may internalize their role, becoming overly responsible for the family’s emotional well-being. They might feel obligated to maintain harmony or meet all parental expectations, leading to burnout, stress, or difficulty setting boundaries in relationships.

OP hasn't said they're elderly. And they're fit enough that the holiday got booked in the first place so they're clearly OK to travel!

OP has said they're very well off so if they really do need help they could pay for it.

This sounds a lot like they're using their "health" to manipulate OP and she is martyring herself. The brother has decided not to go along with it and good for him.

I’m coming to that conclusion

You’re 26 and it’s Italy?

are you Muslim? Otherwise this entire scenario doesn’t make sense

So you’re not going to fall out with him at all? It was just hyperbole? Or you’re going to fall out with him just enough to coerce him to do what you want?

@MoveOverToTheSea Most people would say that it’s not an unusual situation for the dd to be doing all the hard work and the ds to do fuck all. And it’s shit.

My sexist, misogynistic, racist narc mother 'persuaded' (emotionally blackmailed) my younger brother to move in with her full time as her carer a couple of years ago. She's still perfectly capable of looking after herself, she just wanted the extra money she gets by having him as her official carer (not UK, I hasten to add).

She'd been trying to get him to do it for the last 25 years, when she was my age - 57. I told him at that time that he'd be mental to do it, but at the end of the day it was his choice and I wouldn't be involved in any way - even if I didn't live on the other side of the world!

You need to live your life and let your brother live his own. Go on the trip solo if you really want to go and set boundaries with your parents. Let them know you'll check in once or twice a day but it's not on to put their unnecessary stress on you. Or don't go. Your brother obviously doesn't want to go so take him out of the equation and you have 2 options. Your family sound over dramatic.

So the golden child would be my brother, who’s allowed to rot in his room doing fuck all for the family? Thanks for clearing that one up!

It's so bizarre that an adult in their mid-20s is this enmeshed with their family. Granted mumsnet can often go too far the other way, but to be modifying how you live your life to please an anxious, paranoid parent is just wrong and setting you up for decades of misery. Get yourself a higher paying job and start paying for your own holidays, then it won't matter who goes.

I don't think it's real either.

Your parents are awful. And none of this makes any sense. If your parents need the level of care you’re describing, you can’t really go to Italy for 10 days anyway. Or they can sort themselves out well enough and you don’t have to runaround after them all the time. It’s all so codependent and unhealthy for all of you. You need your own life and to stop judging your brother for his he’s managed to carve one out for himself.

Better they use the holiday money for a cleaner and to pay for taxis to the hospital rather calling you for every menial task they have

expecting you to take off work for non emergency appointments is unreasonable you’ve said so yes to so much you can’t see where to say no.

I think your brother could be flexible but paso think his lack of flexibility could be some thing he’s developed to your relationship with your parents.

??

visibly muslim women are much more likely to experience racism (potentially violent) when travelling.

a bunch of Muslim women just had to leave their travels early due to violence and spitting!

I can empathize with your brother insofar as not wanting to attend an event one dislikes/hates. I spent my entire childhood and young adulthood being forced to attend events and outings to things that I frankly loathed, all because it’s what my mom wanted to do. She never even entertained the notion to do anything we’d enjoy as a group or do something that I would enjoy. It was all about her, her preferences, her hobbies, etc. - so in that regard I can understand your brother not wanting to attend a two-day F1 race. F1 isn’t his thing, it’s your thing and your dad’s thing. And it’s not just about “suck it up and just go” - the negative feelings one gets from being forced to do something they dislike or hate don’t just magically poof away after the event is over. Your brother doesn’t like F1. He doesn’t want to go. You’re basically telling him “too bad, suck it up!” - would you be totally fine with that if HE told you the same thing about going to an event you hated?

I’m not saying he’s justified in acting like a wee brat to you and your family in this regard, just that I can sympathize with how bloody awful it is to be forced to go to an event or activity that you utterly loathe. I’m 43 now and my mom and sister still routinely force me to attend events with them that they KNOW I dislike (they buy a ticket for me without asking me first and then say I “have” to go.) It’s really horrible and has caused me to feel a lot of resentment towards them.

If he enjoys any other activities/hobbies (drawing, watching livestreams, etc.) you could always suggest he take something to do with him and just do that during the race - it’s not like he HAS to watch the race or pay attention. He could watch movies on his phone or tablet with earbuds in the whole time.

But if not, do you really want the albatross of his pissy and unhappy behavior around your neck for the whole rest of the trip? Because if he’s forced to attend the race, he WILL be pissy for a while, not just the day of.

I speak from experience XD

I genuinely don’t understand what people think the alternative is?

my mum had an emergency (and yes, it’s classed as an emergency!) appointment at the hospital. She couldn’t drive, my dad can’t drive. I’m expected to let them wait for potentially hours and spend £30+ on a taxi?

I think she means all the other appointments you've mentioned attending with them

But yes, I would expect her to get a taxi and wait at the hospital because that's what adults do.

No, she’s a brat for refusing to engage with the fact that her brother owes her nothing.

I said nothing about not being allowed to complain and stated, quite clearly, that the fact that she’s doing it all is toxic and sexist. It’s right there in the comment you lifted that quote from.

You said they’re wealthy, I’m sure they could manage £30 for a taxi. My mum had to do the same recently after a broken wrist, I couldn’t pick her up as I was working, her and my dad are divorced and my brother is dead.