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Original poster

DP hates children

395 replies

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

OP posts:
Vanillazebra · 22/07/2025 23:48

She needs therapy and a lot of it. I honestly think you should look to leave.

Biids · 22/07/2025 23:49

Tackle it very directly. Sit down, show her your post and ask her why she doesn't want anything to do with your family.

Children do often behave in a way that really pisses people off. They can be extremely frustrating, particularly if they are someone else's.

Psosugi · 22/07/2025 23:54

She sounds emotionally controlling and as if she is attempting to separate you from your family and friends. Frankly she sounds pretty horrible.

dontcryformeargentina · 23/07/2025 00:04

Stockholm syndrome.. you are in love with your captor. You need a therapy

colachive · 23/07/2025 00:07

I think ultimately it’s coming from a place of envy becausd your family is so well adjusted and happy. She doesn’t actually hate them OP, in fact she probably loves them. She just has an unhealed wound and is angry that no one loved her the way your nieces and nephews are loved.

I say this as someone with a pretty unhealthy family dynamic growing up. I have always found it very difficult to be around healthy, happy families - especially boyfriends’ families. Because you’re never one of them, your place in the family is obviously conditional on your relationship. That can be confusing and difficult. She definitely needs therapy.

Aria2015 · 23/07/2025 00:09

What's become more and more apparent to me as I've got older is, how we’re raised, our relationships with our family and how emotionally secure we were growing up, basically shapes who we are as adults.

Problems occur when there is a marked difference in how two people (who choose to be partners) experience these things differently. You can meet someone, think they're amazing and fall in love with them, regardless of these differences but at some point, they create issues or divide. Whether that mismatched emotional maturity or other problems.

This is what I think has happened in your situation. It's unlikely that she’ll ever feel or think very differently from how she does now if she doesn't see anything wrong with it, or want to understand why she feels as she does. You then, need to decide what you want to do. Either stay together but accept she feels as she does and so perhaps separate your relationship and family time (no longer asking or expecting her to join in), or you end things and perhaps find someone who has similar family values to you.

ScruffyTrouserMindFlip · 23/07/2025 00:41

Sorry OP, that all sounds incredibly tough.

There is a massive difference, between not wanting children, and actively trying to isolate your partner from all of their friends and family, and also actively hating children. Of course you should be able to see your friends and family, without it being an issue. And of course you want to share your full life with your partner (including visiting your family at Christmas etc). You deserve that, and should absolutely be able to expect it, in a happy and healthy relationship.

Your partner sounds borderline abusive tbh, in that she is manipulating you, into feeling somehow worried or guilty about seeing your friends and family. I would agree that it sounds like she is mentally quite unwell, which is where it all stems from. Isn't that usually the way, with controlling partners? Her childhood might have been unhappy, which isn't her fault. But it does not excuse her behaviour as an adult. All you can really do, is talk to her honestly about how you are feeling, and ask her to stop, or if she can't, then go to therapy to work through her issues. If it were me, I'd be unwilling to stay with someone who wouldn't stop this unpleasant and controlling behaviour. However funny she is the rest of the time, imagine how your life will look in ten years. Sounds like it will be lonely with just the two of you, and that your life will be very limited. You will have missed out on so many family events / birthday parties / Christmas celebrations... and will have missed your nieces and nephews grow up. As a consequence, it's unlikely you will be close to them as adults. For me, all of that would be too much of a sacrifice.

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 00:48

I think you need to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel and see what changes she can make.

Realistically, from what you've said she isn't going to be able to play happy families with them so if you want to continue the relationship I think you'll need to give up on that. She should be able to support you having a good relationship with them though.

I think the compromise (if you want to make one) will need to be, you remove any expectation or pressure for her to see them and she supports you in seeing them separately (so stops all the passive aggressive nonsense).

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

Usernamenotavailable19 · 23/07/2025 00:59

I think it’s best you break up, she’s going to make you miserable and drag you down. If you’re adamant you don’t want to break up with her then suggest some counselling

ScruffyTrouserMindFlip · 23/07/2025 00:59

Would you be annoyed at a partner visiting with their own parents, when no children are present though @Anotherparkingthread ? OP has said that this is the case for him. So it goes beyond even the partner being grossed out by children / not wanting to be near children herself. She objects to the OP spending time with other adults.

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 01:03

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

At what age do people become acceptable to you?

And does it gross you out that people used to be children? Like if you needed to see a doctor and they were relatively young, would it trouble you that just ten years ago they'd have made you sick to look at? But now you need them...

Do you see this getting worse with age?Do you think when you're sixty people in their twenties will make you feel this way?

You should do an AMA! It's a fascinating phobia to have!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/07/2025 01:06

I don't think it's necessarily a children issue, but a family issue.

How often does she and the both of you visit her family at Christmastime and significant birthdays etc. ?

I am surprised that at 34 you thought / felt you were too old to become / be a father.

Sodthesystem · 23/07/2025 01:10

I wouldn't want to attend family events with kids 4 times a year either tbh. But she does sound like she's being a bit of a, well, child about it.

It's like she views the children as competition for her attention. And she's projecting that onto you. The whole 'your parents love them more than you' bull sounds like a narcissist projecting.

It also seems like she's using them.sd an excuse to drive a wedge between you and your family. Another narcissist move btw.

Greendino20 · 23/07/2025 01:12

Honestly I think you sound like someone who values family. If I were you I’d cut my losses now and meet someone with more similar values to yourself. Whatever the trauma behind her behaviour she’s now making it difficult for you to interact with people you care about which is essentially miserable and controlling.

Just think what life will be like with a new partner, maybe someone who likes children and might like to have some with you.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 23/07/2025 01:17

Vanillazebra · 22/07/2025 23:48

She needs therapy and a lot of it. I honestly think you should look to leave.

This.

Sportsdaywinner · 23/07/2025 01:32

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

I have no words
You sound lovely 😬

Usernamenotavailable19 · 23/07/2025 01:39

Sportsdaywinner · 23/07/2025 01:32

I have no words
You sound lovely 😬

Show quote history

very lovely indeed 😬

statetrooperstacey · 23/07/2025 01:49

It sounds as though she’s made ‘ I hate kids’ into her entire personality and now is doubling down. Quite an odd ott reaction. Does EVERYBODY know she hates kids? It’s acceptable to really dislike kids but a bit weird to make such a huge deal about it. A bit like vegans or people who hate Christmas , they have to visibly recoil and make sure you see them do it. Tell her it’s boring and could she just stick to a small eye roll from now on.

ConfusedSchooling · 23/07/2025 06:48

@conflicted84 im actually struggling to see what you find appealing here about her when you write as though you love your friends/family, yet she despises them so much. Id struggle to look my nephews in the face knowing a partner hated them that much. Secondly she's driving a wedge between you and the family, do you really want to lose all that? You need a partner with a similar view on life/family. My most recent partner hadn't got children and had more of a 'seen but not heard' attitude. It didn't work out. He's not as bad person, he just needs someone similar to him.

ThejoyofNC · 23/07/2025 06:59

I don't want to split up with her

In all honesty then, nobody can help you.

CommissarySushi · 23/07/2025 07:01

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

Jesus fucking Christ. You need help too.

RealEagle · 23/07/2025 07:23

Dos she like anyone?

DampSquad · 23/07/2025 07:39

Sportsdaywinner · 23/07/2025 01:32

I have no words
You sound lovely 😬

Show quote history

She's just incredibly honest. And undoubtedly has reasons for feeling that way.

Not everyone is child or family orientated 🤷

CommissarySushi · 23/07/2025 07:43

DampSquad · 23/07/2025 07:39

She's just incredibly honest. And undoubtedly has reasons for feeling that way.

Not everyone is child or family orientated 🤷

Show quote history

I think saying you want to "react with incredible violence" at the sound of children, and you would be "revolted" by your partner interacting with a child is a bit beyond not being family orientated!