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Original poster

DP hates children

395 replies

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

OP posts:
Pinkyhere · 23/07/2025 10:43

She is entitled to her way of feeling. But it sounds like a lot of hard work for you managing your choices and family interactions to not rock the boat and even facing a backlash for going to see your family on your own
Her opinion and feelings are one thing -the way she is making you feel and behave is not ok.
Personally, I would fear growing old, getting ill or relying on someone who doesn't seem to have a capacity to care or nurture.

Dreamondreaminon · 23/07/2025 10:44

Summerlilly · 23/07/2025 10:07

@ Anotherparkingthread you are a sociopath love, please seek some therapy before you act on these violent urges you experience. Hopefully you can unpack whatever childhood trauma you experienced. These feelings are not normal.

Everyone is entitled a child free life if that’s what they choose, but you aren’t entitled to a child free world.
The thing is you and your DP have conflicting family values, you have them and she doesn’t.
You have every right to be close to your family and she has the right to not be close to hers, it sounds like the trauma there is strong.
I know you don’t want to leave her, but this will continue to wedge itself between you until you break or she wins and isolates you from your family

I agree. I'm actually terrified thinking that people like @Anotherparkingthread live near me, this hostility towards anyone is fucking frightening. It is also horrifying that this pp thinks it is ok to feel this way (let alone voice it) towards a specific group of people. If you replace "children" by any other group, that wouldn't be ok ("women", "French people", any given ethnicity/religion etc.) so why this pp thinks ok to feel this way towards all children is beyond me!

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 23/07/2025 10:44

If she were male everyone would be calling your relationship abusive and controlling! She is attempting to isolate you from your family and friends! Leave her, she’s not worth all this.

LameBorzoi · 23/07/2025 10:44

OP, what she's doing isn't ok. If she has that much trauma, then removing herself from the company of children is one thing. The nasty comments are another thing entirely.

VeryStressedMum · 23/07/2025 10:45

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

Do you realise you used to be a small child. Do you think of yourself as a gross animal when people cuddled you?

PixiePuffBall · 23/07/2025 10:46

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

Really sorry to hear how you're being treated by your partner. This is not on.

I think you need to sit her down and have a really frank conversation with her along the lines of "these are the behaviours I can't be doing with and if it doesn't change immediately this relationship is over".

Separately, I understand not being a children person, but it's really unhealthy to have this much active disdain towards them. She needs some help

Melancholyflower · 23/07/2025 10:46

OP, you haven't responded to posters that have said she is controlling/abusive- you say she doesn't stop you seeing your parents, but makes snide comments which upsets you, so that is emotional abuse. She is trying to alienate you from them by making your visits to them an issue between you, so you see them less and less.
If a woman had posted this everyone would say LTB and your situation is no different.

Original poster
conflicted84 · 23/07/2025 10:48

Imisscoffee2021 · 23/07/2025 07:56

She needs therapy, because she cannot "avenge" her mother by punishing people completely unrelated to that, including children. She's breathing life into past abuse and letting it infiltrate another persons life, and others too as its having an impact on your family.

I have a friend who dislikes children, and finds the idea of having them the most gross, bizarre, life limiting thing she can imagine. Even though she exists and lives her life because she was someone's child, she can't extrapolate her personal dislike from her world view, so she applies this to everyone, she pities those who have children with a smattering of disdain and doesn't engage with children if she can help it.

In her case, she has SEN, autism most likely and her opinions are life tenets in her thinking and she's very happy to voice them.

Is your partner like this with other things? Strong opinions upheld almost like universal truths?

Either way it doesn't sound like she's compatible to your family life and if you want to enjoy your family and the chikdren in your family going forward, you need to make a decision.

The "strong opinions upheld almost like universal truths" is a really insightful observation. Yes, there is a lot of that. Once she's formed an opinion about something she doesn't seem receptive to alternative points of view.

Her mother has exactly the same trait, so I can see where it comes from. When the two of them talk it is often a long session of them putting the world to rights in a way that suggests they clearly consider anyone who disagrees is either stupid or malicious.

OP posts:
anotherside · 23/07/2025 10:49

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father

So you were barely 35 when you met but thought you were too old to be a good father? Of course not wanting children is totally reasonable, but considering yourself too old at 35 seems a bit extreme. Otherwise I echo other comments, she sounds like she needs therapy.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 23/07/2025 10:49

I’m mostly shocked that anyone would think cuddling a pig is gross.

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 23/07/2025 10:50

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

You are clearly a sociopath and need therapy…lots of it!

KateMiskin · 23/07/2025 10:50

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 23/07/2025 10:49

I’m mostly shocked that anyone would think cuddling a pig is gross.

Indeed! They are so cute.😀

ShallIstart · 23/07/2025 10:55

She doesn't sound like a nice person to be honest.
Trauma or not it's no excuse for just generally being illtempered and rude abouy your partners family.

Livpool · 23/07/2025 10:56

CommissarySushi · 23/07/2025 07:43

I think saying you want to "react with incredible violence" at the sound of children, and you would be "revolted" by your partner interacting with a child is a bit beyond not being family orientated!

Show quote history

Exactly! I don’t like dogs as I am allergic but l don’t have a visceral reaction to DH engaging with one. That kind of reaction is disturbing and honestly socio or psychopathic.

whitewinespritzerandastraw · 23/07/2025 10:57

colachive · 23/07/2025 00:07

I think ultimately it’s coming from a place of envy becausd your family is so well adjusted and happy. She doesn’t actually hate them OP, in fact she probably loves them. She just has an unhealed wound and is angry that no one loved her the way your nieces and nephews are loved.

I say this as someone with a pretty unhealthy family dynamic growing up. I have always found it very difficult to be around healthy, happy families - especially boyfriends’ families. Because you’re never one of them, your place in the family is obviously conditional on your relationship. That can be confusing and difficult. She definitely needs therapy.

I agree with this, a lot of it is probably jealousy.

I grew up in an abusive / neglectful home. From a very young age I felt an intense jealousy of my peers who had parents and wider family who loved them.

I moved away at a young age, got a job and started afresh and was generally pretty happy. But I actively disliked kids, particularly very loved, pampered kids as I was intensely jealous. I felt a lot of empathy for abused / neglected kids like me.

I have my own kids now and adore them. They have great lives and a much better upbringing than I have. But I still generally dislike a lot of other kids, but mostly just the spoilt, irritating ones. I envy them the extended family that I never had.

In saying that, I never behaved the way your DP is towards your family. I’ll admit I was very disinterested in his nieces / nephews, but I wasn’t hostile, and was fine with the rest of his family.

now that we have our own kids, I am still largely disinterested in his nieces etc but I hid it and fake interest

Cherrytree86 · 23/07/2025 10:57

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

@conflicted84

35 is a perfectly normal and average age to become a mother or a father

Jerrypicker · 23/07/2025 11:03

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

I’m actually worried that people like you exist and walk among us. But in a way it’s good that you’re spilling out your feelings and thoughts on sites like this, so we can be aware that not everybody’s a nice person 😐

Bananarama2000 · 23/07/2025 11:03

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

I actually think @Anotherparkingthread has a point.
I have a SIL like this (I have 4 children) and our family events would be much nicer without her there. She doesn’t want to be there and we really don’t like her, I’m guessing she has some sort of misplaced feeling of obligation.

OP if you want to stay together perhaps stop forcing her into situations she’s not comfortable with. You can still go and then everyone’s happy, although it does sound like you’ve changed your view of kids not her.

I personally can’t stand dogs so can understand how others can feel like this. It’s personal preference.

forgotmyusername1 · 23/07/2025 11:07

I think really you need to say 'I will visit my family and will be in my nephews and nieces life. You can be a part of it or not but if you choose not to come with me to family events then that is your choice not mine so I will not be made to feel guilty for seeing my family without you'

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 23/07/2025 11:09

She really doesn’t sound very nice. You say she’s supportive privately, but what good is that if she’s aggressive and argumentative publically? And why be like that? Is it purposely to make people feel awkward and not want to invite you out? It actually sounds quite controlling this Jekyll and Hyde personality.
It’s fine not to like children, but you just suck it up every once in a while when you have to. At least you do if it’s for the person you claim to love.
Regardless, I honestly just don’t think you are compatible and you need to end things sooner rather than later before she alienates you from your family entirely.
Notice she was happiest in lock down when it was just the two of you and no social obligations. That would be fine if you also felt the same way, but you sound like you like to socialise and to have a wider circle than just the two of you. You also sound like you enjoy your nieces and nephews, which a lot of people who choose to stay childless enjoy as a happy medium, so having a relationship with your family is one of your core values. This doesn’t align with hers. It doesn’t matter how much you enjoy her company (in private), if your values don’t align it’s going to become a very lonely life for you as you get older. She won’t bend or change or compromise, so you’ll be the only one making changes. I’d argue at that point it’s you making all sacrifices and her not even attempting to meet you half way.

Hoppinggreen · 23/07/2025 11:12

Its has nothing to do with hating children and being rude and unpleasant.
If she REALLY can't manage to be civil around your family then you need to split up or accept that you will be attending all family events alone

gishgalloping · 23/07/2025 11:13

No idea why @Anotherparkingthread is claiming to want to do violence to children while also participating in other threads giving advice to women on how to manage their children. Seriously weird behaviour.

OP, you're in a very controlling relationship. She wants to isolate you from your family and slowly eat away at the pleasure you take in spending time with them.

If she was willing to go to therapy then I might give different advice, but I think you have to end this relationship. She doesn't even see the point in giving your parents the basic courtesy anyone should be capable of. This is toxic behaviour on her part.

Sassybooklover · 23/07/2025 11:16

I think you need to understand that you can't 'fix' your partner. She has deep rooted unprocessed trauma, from her childhood. I feel there may be jealousy that you've had a happy childhood and have a loving family. However, I do think in some ways she looks down on adults that have children - she believes they're 'ruined' their lives, are feels they are somehow less of a person and she feels they're not worth bothering with. She's cordial to your parents, barely can contain her contempt towards your sister/BIL, isn't interested in meeting with your friends who've had children. Her attempts at making you feel bad for seeing your family - passive aggressive comments is wrong on every level. She may not 'stop' you from seeing your family, but she makes her displeasure very much known. This is 100% abusive and controlling. If you were a woman, every comment would say to leave. You don't want to split up, but going forward you need to make it known that she keeps her comments to herself and you WILL be seeing your family, regardless of she likes it or not. Immediately stop expecting her to attend family events, it's pointless - she won't engage, sulks and is unpleasant. Speak to your parents/family/friends and be honest why she's not coming with you any longer - don't hide it or make excuses for her. If this doesn't work, then you need to end the relationship, because without therapy she isn't going to improve, and is likely to become worse. Don't end up isolated from your family, no woman (or man) is worth this.

Cherrytree86 · 23/07/2025 11:18

gishgalloping · 23/07/2025 11:13

No idea why @Anotherparkingthread is claiming to want to do violence to children while also participating in other threads giving advice to women on how to manage their children. Seriously weird behaviour.

OP, you're in a very controlling relationship. She wants to isolate you from your family and slowly eat away at the pleasure you take in spending time with them.

If she was willing to go to therapy then I might give different advice, but I think you have to end this relationship. She doesn't even see the point in giving your parents the basic courtesy anyone should be capable of. This is toxic behaviour on her part.

Is she?! @gishgalloping

how weird!!

LaughingCat · 23/07/2025 11:18

conflicted84 · 23/07/2025 10:35

This is the weird thing: in social settings if we do go out in an environment where kids aren't present (we both work in a field where there are often "fancy" dinners etc, for example, and we go to concerts/theatre reasonably often and run into people we know) she's incredibly lively and charming. Same if we meet up with any of her friends when they happen to be over in this country. So "socially inadequate" doesn't fit. Put her with my family or friends, though, and it's a whole different story.

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See, this would be the red flag for me, OP. She is perfectly able to be ‘lively and charming‘ in public but actively chooses not to be around your family and friends. That’s…awful. You can’t force her to get therapy and you can’t change how she is - the only thing you can choose are your own decisions and the those will depend on your own boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour to you.

I would strongly suggest that you do a course of counselling, specifically to help you work through how you feel and whether you really are ok with this. They can help you explore your boundaries.

Also, I’m having my first (and hopefully only!) child at 42, and my DH is 45. You aren’t too old to be a good dad. My knees might crackle a bit now but what I lack in youthful vigour, I more than make up for in stamina and experience!

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